Treatments

I saw Dr Sebastian today for my first fertility appointment. I will be starting femara on cycle day 3 of my next cycle. I am incredibly excited. This is supposed to be more effective than clomid which is good. I need to lose weight per his orders as well since that will increase my odds. I'm optimistic that Lex will be a big brother in the next year to year and a half. I hope we get lucky.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? As you know I've done my best to be good this year so I'm hoping to ask you for a couple of things. The first being a bfp. I would really like a second child so Lex has a little sibling to love just as much as I love my brothers. Next, I would like Nate to be spoiled rotten. He has worked so hard between school and work and taking care of me and Lex he definitely deserves something wonderful. For Lex, can you bring him a couple of books and some more snow? He loves playing in the snow and I want there to be plenty for him to play in.

Thank you Santa and have a safe trip.

Cate

I ~LOVE~ my dr

Last week I had a mole on my leg removed because it had been changing and there is a history of skin cancer in my family. (I had some atypical cells in the mole, not cancer yet but headed that way.) This week when I went in to have the suture removed my doctor brought up our attempts at trying for another "beautiful" child. (She absolutely loves Lex and gushes over him everytime I see her, I'm honestly tempted to see if when I take Lex to see Santa this weekend Santa'll let me sit on his lap for a picture too to mail her in a Christmas card). Since she knows I know what I'm doing when it comes to ttcing she wanted to check on how things are going. She offered me metformin and more prometrium and I gladly took them. She also made me a referral to get assistance with fertility treatments, mainly clomid. I'm really excited about this. I've never had a dr take such an interest in me.

Sorry I haven't been blogging more lately, it's been a very busy couple of weeks at work and so my life has been very boring. There is good news from that front. The manager at the clinic I'm at insists that he will be hiring me for one of the upcoming openings. If he had his way he wouldn't be putting the job up as open but there are rules about that. It's always great to know I'm needed at that clinic.

Airing it out

This is a vent yet again about my craptastical luck when it comes to trying to get pregnant so if you don't want to read it I understand go ahead and skip over. If you are one of my beautiful pregnant friends please do not take any offense as I could not be any happier that you are being blessed with a child (be it your first or your fourth).

PCOS sucks monkey balls! I am on cycle day 49, my chart claims to be 11dpo and I just ~know~ tomorrow will be yet another negative test. Everywhere I look there are pregnant women, in my family in my friendships and most definitely at work (the downfall of working for a family practice doctor and knowing I'll be covering another maternity leave starting in January). I'm pissed off that my cycles are 2-4 times longer than a "normal" woman's, I'm pissed off that I don't seem to ovulate without much assistance. I'm pissed off that I have next to no libido and never feel attractive because of the damn extra weight and hair that PCOS has packed on my body. I'm pissed off that I can't let myself have the optimism that Lex will be a big brother in the near future, simply because I know how long it took get pregnant, stay pregnant and have my son. All I've ever wanted was to be the mother of 3 children, a mother like my mom was. I've comprimised with Nate that we'll have just 2 and I can only hope I'll be as good as my mom was. I'm frustrated that I can't feel happy for my friends that are pregnant without feeling that pang of jealousy and thinking "how come it was so easy for them? Why can't I get pregnant that fast?" I'm tired of crying myself to sleep over something that should not consume my life so much. And even though I'm not alone I feel that way so much right now. Bear with me my friends, one day I'll either give up or get pregnant and won't be such an annoying whiner...

So torn

I found out earlier this week that my eldest niece is currently expecting her first child and while I am happy and excited for her and her fiance, I'm also upset. Anyone who has dealt with infertility knows what I'm talking about, you can be so happy for the person expecting the blessing but you still have the thought "why not me?" and you have a hard time with that mixed emotion. I also worry about her, she just started college, she has a wedding to plan and there are some other concerns I'd rather not write about. Going to college and being pregnant was incredibly difficult and I had a one year program, I don't know how long her program is. I hear she has really bad morning sickness and although mine was bad I had been lucky in that my teachers understood, Nate spoiled me rotten and I had prescriptions for anti-nausea pills. I wish I could be down there for her, maybe that would be more therapeutic for me being there for her and my future great-niece/nephew (I for the record think she's having a girl...)

Operation get pregnant

Since Nate is on board to get preggers and I already know I'm pretty much back on the annovulatory bandwagon (my friends on facebook should check out the infertility cause I started) I'm scheming ways to hopefully get me pregnant before Lex's second birthday.

The first is the herbal route. I bought this tea called Fertilitea which contains vitex, red raspberry leaf, green tea, ladies mantle and nettle leaf. I'm also taking evening primrose oil in addition to my multivitamin (I can't swallow the prenatal vitamins without gagging so I take two chewable centrum) and calcium. I drink the tea 2-3 times a day and take 3 epo capsules.

The second is exercise. The only way to control PCOS aside from medication is diet and exercise. So I've made the decision that I really need to start exercising regularly. Right now the plan is to put Lex to bed at night and bust out the work out tapes on nights Nate works. On nights he's home I'll either attempt to make it up to the gym at the hospital or at the very least do yoga in the mornings.

The third plan is changing my diet. I am addicted to candy and sugar. I literally crave it all day every day so I need to limit the amount I intake. Not to mention the carbs I love so much (as I type this I'm chowing down on graham crackers). I need to become good friends with protein.

The fourth is getting some assistance from my doctor. I will ask her when I see her in a couple weeks about checking my hemoglobin a1c, random glucose, follicle stimulating hormone, lutenizing hormone, testosterone, and progesterone. Then if we can rationalize starting some sort of medication for my PCOS (thinking like metformin ... although I would prefer actos) we can get that started. Or heck she may refer me to an endocrinologist to see what he can recommend.

All in all I hope it doesn't take until Lex's 5th birthday to concieve another child.

One word.

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Red
4. Your mother? Gorgeous
5. Your father? Amazing
6. Your favorite thing? Sleep
7. Your dream last night? Dunno
8. Your dream/goal? Medicine
9. The room you’re in? Front
10. Your hobby? Playing
11. Your fear? Bees
12. Where do you want to be in six years? School
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you’re not? Strong
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? Superior
17. The last thing you did? Nap
18. What are you wearing? PJs
19. Your T.V.? Playmates
20. Your pet? Cats
21. Your computer? Small
22. Your mood? Ok
23. Missing someone? No
24. Your car? Neon
25. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
26. Favorite store? Walmart
27. Your Summer? Short
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Morning
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

My seven...
1. Katie
2. Nancy
3. Sarah
4.Alison
5. Kailah
6. Jessi
7. Nicole

Bunnies

I've decided that there is nothing sexier than a man who goes on and on about how awesome spending the day with his son is and thus Nate and I have been like bunnies lately and I'm hoping my body will decide it's a good time to ovulate and we'll get lucky. I've been working with a very pregnant woman at work and the girl I'm covering for had a baby on Lex's birthday and brought him in this week so my baby fever is through the roof. I was watching news at my mom's house tonight and it showed a brother and sister, the sister was dressed as an angel and brother as a devil and I looked at Nate and said maybe we could do that next year... only I want two boys so we'd have to do something slightly different. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays because I love seeing all the kids dressed up and my son is no exception so I'll leave you all with a picture of our little cub.

Yay!

I've convinced Nate that we should try for another baby! I'm so excited! Now I just hope it won't take as long this time around but we'll see. My doc has told me that when we are ready to start using medications she'll be more than willing to help us out.

I really like Dr Sprengler, today we were discussing my celexa and I mentioned my nervousness in using it while we are ttc'ing because of the whole possibility of using it during early pregnancy so she called over to the OB office to find out what they would recommend if she needed to change it or I could stay on it and they told her it was their number one choice for post-partum depression moms that want to try for another baby. She also took a look in my ears because they've been bothering me for about a month now but when I went and had them looked at again before I was told there was no infection just fluid. When she looked today the eardrums were bulging with fluid but there was no sign of infection, however, she did a tympanometry test and my left eardrum moved like it was supposed to but the right one didn't move at all so she referred me to an ear, nose and throat (ENT) dr. There is a chance I'll need tubes she warned me but if it drains this damn fluid I'll be happy.

I'm still awaiting the results of the job interview, I hope I get the job but if not no loss, I can apply again for the new dr that will be hired this spring. Besides this was probably not a good week for me to interview... the day I interviewed I had a significant exposure (aka needle stick). I was giving immunizations and the baby moved and I tried to activate the needle cover to protect the baby and instead got my finger. Thankfully the blood tests the baby had done came back normal so far. I also got my certification papers this week and so I'll be getting a raise soon.

Frustrations

I've determined that I've been frustrated with life lately, the damn curveballs get to me more than they should and maybe it's because I feel like I'm deserving of some things that maybe I'm not. I feel like getting pregnant this time around should be easier, after all 4 1/2 years of tears and frustrations to have Lex felt like more than necessary. I feel that my husband should be more willing to try for another baby because that means more sex something he always wants. I feel that he should want to see me happy with two little children because I put in so much work here taking care of our house and our son and really another child is all I want. I feel like I deserve the job I'm applying for tomorrow because I've put in my dues doing float work, coming in when needed and not scheduled, working hard to learn what I need to do at each clinic, fighting to fit in at clinic after clinic. I feel that my friend who's been ttcing for so damn long should be blessed with a child before any other woman I know who hasn't been through that long journey is. I know life isn't fair but wouldn't it be nice if it was once in a while?

Weepy

One of the girls I was originally trying to concieve with had her second son yesterday and despite my joy for her I'm depressed. I want a second child more than anything and Nate's not ready and I'm not sure I'll be able to concieve again. Ugh! Why can't it be easier???

Favor please

I have a friend I met through DH who is currently in Iraq on her second tour there. She was supposed to be out of the Army a year ago but was prevented from leaving due to her job and rank. While there she rescued a puppy and he has become her life saver (literally, she has suffered from depression horribly while there, I worry about her immensely). She was having this puppy sent home through a program that would have brought him back to Minnesota to live with her parents until she came home in the next year, however, he was confiscated by the military due to a rule that prevents soldiers from befriending animals and now faces almost certain death. Long story short there is now a petition that her family has placed on the internet that will go to commanding officers once it has enough signatures requesting that Ratchet's life be spared and he allowed to be able to come back to the states to wait for her. If you could be so kind as to sign it I know Gwen would be forever grateful and I will be too. TIA!

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/release-ratchet-from-iraq-now

Gastroenteritis is no fun

Friday was not a good day. After doing all my running and getting all the stuff for Lex's parties picked up we sat down for a not so healthy lunch of Burger King. Immediately following I started to feel nauseated so I took one of Nate's anti-nausea pills (something I know better than to do without a prescription but I felt awful) and we took a family nap (Nate had to work a double and it was Lex's nap time anyway). When I woke up with Lex two hours later I had to run to the bathroom, everytime I stood up I had to sit back down, it was not a good situation. I could feel myself getting dehydrated and I had some pretty bad abdominal pain so I went to the ER. Got there about 7pm and started throwing up in the waiting room. Since I wasn't high up on the priority list and it was relatively busy I ended up not getting into a room for 3 hours. Once I was in my room the dr came in pretty quick and got an IV with zofran and morphine started for me. I had a CT scan that came back clean (although they said they couldn't see my appendix and they weren't happy that it wasn't done with contrast but I'm allergic to the contrast so I wasn't about to let them inject me with it and add a rash to my GI symptoms). So by 3am when they discharged me I was exhausted still nauseated and ready to go home and go to bed. Nate was working a double so he had to leave right after he picked up my prescriptions for me. Being the sweet hubby he is he called my mom in the morning and asked her to pick up Lex for me so I could get some sleep, it was nice to not worry about him all day and to get the much needed rest. I'm still exhausted and not feeling that great but I'm keeping food down and not having to rush to the bathroom.

Hopefully this week goes well since I have to clean our entire apartment and get ready for his party next weekend. We have one thing done, Lex got his hair cut today and he looks like a boy again instead of girly lol.

Copycat

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Ancestory - Geneology

After seeing Jessi's and Shay's I decided to give it a shot too.

Bring it on!

Lex's birthday is just over two weeks away and wouldn't ya know it I'm gonna be busier than heck until then. I work full time both the weeks, I'll have to prepare and decorate and all the while battle this exhaustion that's hit me... Anyone have access to a caffeine IV drip? I just hope things calm down until Thanksgiving, that would be nice, too bad I can't spend the day after Thanksgiving in my pj's with my boys... darn work!

Tagged again

Since the beautiful Sarah tagged me I guess I'll play along.

7 Random facts about me:

1. Every morning I watch Little Einsteins and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with Lex and actually enjoy them.

2.When I was a teenager I felt lucky to never have a period, seriously thought I was blessed lol.

3. I give shots to kids at work and almost every time I do it I can feel my heart start to race and I feel awful for a half hour after I do it, like a panic attack.

4. I was majorly depressed when my dr graduated from residency and left our clinic.

5. When I was a kid I convinced my brother to stick his finger in a pair of scissors and closed them on him, he has a giant scar because of it, wraps all the way around his pinky.

6. I'm jealous of mom's who had "average" sized babies. Lex was 9lbs 4.1oz so sometimes I feel like I got jipped of the tiny baby stage.

7. I want another baby soon and if I could be assured it's going to be a boy I would want it sooner.

Alright I'm going to tag...

Katie
Shayna
Shauna
Nicolie
Elana
Alison
Mel

I would sell my soul for sleep

Okay maybe not that far but still. Lex has been sick for the past couple days with last night being the worst so far. He was running a fever and I got only 3 hours of sleep... yucky. Nate isn't feeling well either so he can't help that much.

Lex is now a cloth diaper wearing baby! We (well I) decided to get him some to at least give them a try and I love them! They are so soft and cute and we didn't have a leak last night despite the amout of fluids I made him drink.

I suppose I should get us ready to go see the dr since both my boys are going today.

Success!

Monday I got a letter that I've been waiting for since the end of June. I passed my medical assistant certification exam! Not only did I pass but I was in the 95th percentile. This means a pay raise and higher consideration at job interviews which is great news.

My son shocked the crap outta me earlier, he took his first unassisted steps. I was playing on the computer and when I looked up to check on him he was already halfway across the room from the tv stand, he continued all the way to the shelf on the other side of the room. He has been walking every few times I stand him up too. I knew I would have a walker by his first birthday.

We are looking into toys for his birthday and I have a few ideas but what kind of toys do your kids have that they love?

Home Sweet Home

We moved into our new apartment this past weekend and it reminded me why I hate moving and I didn't realize we have as much stuff as we do. The new place is nice, the neighborhood isn't quite the best (we have the want to be kids out there, the ones that make trouble) but winter will be here soon and that makes a world of difference up here. I like it here as far as the space is concerned. Not so fond of having to do dishes in a small sink several times a day but I'll get used to it.

My little brother had dinner with us tonight and it was awesome. I love when Matt comes home because we never get to see him and he and I were always close. He told me when he came home he won't do much with Lex until Lex reaches his teens but tonight he was playing with Lex while I cooked and was trying to teach Lex new noises. And Lex loves his Uncle Matt, he was snuggling with him, it was so nice to see.

Busy busy busy

This week has been incredibly busy and time will continue to fly by until the two weeks I have off in the beginning of October.

My cousin's wedding was Saturday and it was gorgeous. We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day (although a breeze would have been nice). Her husband was crying during their vows which were just beautiful. I know they'll be incredibly happy, just like I told her they would be when they started dating 5 years ago.

Lex started daycare yesterday. It's a home based daycare run by one of my mom's neighbors. He really seems to be enjoying it and she said she loves having him there because she has never encountered such a happy baby, he has yet to cry while there and he's been there for two full work days. He got really excited when I dropped him off this morning so that made me feel better about putting him into daycare

We are moving on Saturday, but we are starting to move things over Friday night. I can't wait for our move to be over and everything to be unpacked. What I can't wait for most? The washer and dryer we will have. Doing laundry in our own place instead of the laundrymat will be wonderful. I won't have to drag my son out in nasty weather just to make sure he has clean clothes, instead I can do it after work every couple days and we won't get the stains we have had in some of our clothes.

Nate started school yesterday as well and I think he'll do great despite his reservations about it. He may be older than a lot of students there but he's a lot more mature than he was when he was their age and now he has something to work for.

I better get back to housework and packing since Lex is down and I still have to make my dinner.

Not so many answers, apparently

My thyroid results came back Friday and I'm within my clinic's definition of normal, but just barely (their definition of hypothyroid is 4.7 or higher and I'm 4.5 and that's lower than the 6.36 I was in April) so my doc is running thyroid antibodies. I was drawn today and she'll get the results in a week when she's back from vacation (since she's a resident the supervisors tell them when to go on vacation and even though she just got back from maternity leave). I almost want to make an appointment to see her next week because of my extended cycle again (cd 57 or some crap like that...) and I have questions about my emotional state.

I am worried about my boy's bottom. Lex has been teething and this has resulted in an awful diaper rash that won't go away, poor guy is raw and nothing I've done has helped. But being the happy go lucky guy he is you'd never know his butt looks so awful.

We went to visit Linn this weekend and she spoiled us rotten (and I say us because she basically saved us a winter's worth of clothing costs for him). She bought him lots of outfits, some toys and some other things I wanted for him. She also bought him strid.e rit.e shoes, something he would never have if it weren't for her. I can't see paying $50 for something he'll outgrow quickly but I appreciated it.

This weekend is Steph and Dustin's wedding and I can't wait for it to be over, it's exciting but so expensive with the hair, limo and nails.

Finally some answers

I saw Dr Spengler today to recheck my thyroid and aparently I've been hypothyroid since my last test in April. Based on the results from today's draw she will give me my starting dose of synthroid. I'm glad that she was taking me serious especially when she heard about how symptomatic I am.

Lex is teething, he has two coming in and he's making me bonkers! One minute he's sweet and clingy the next he's screaming and crying and fighting to get away only to want to come back a minute later... I can't wait until all those darn teeth come in.

Real Quick

I have the newest pictures of Lex up on his blog which is also under my profile, take a look if you feel so inclined.

I was tagged

The rules of tag are:

Link to the person who tagged you
Post the rules to your blog
Write 6 random things about yourself
Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

1. Even though I work in the medical field I would love to go on to teaching elementary school.

2. I love swimming in Lake Superior no matter how cold the water is.

3. If I had my way my son would never go to daycare.

4. I've been roller skating since I was 18 months old at the same roller rink.

5. I don't want to have any daughters, I'd much rather be a boy mom.

6. I'm addicted to medical shows.

I'm not gonna tag anyone because I'm lazy....

Attack!

I don't understand why when I post an answer about the chicken pox vaccine on a board I get flamed for vaccinating my child and being aware of why he should get this vaccine and yet when a second person posts almost word for word my response nothing happens. I have friends who are delaying vaccines and others that are skipping them completely but I can't do that to Lex because I work in a setting where I can bring anything and everything home with me. Ugh!

Add that I'm already feeling crappy, exhausted unable to sleep well, Lex being a handful and you get a big balling mess, maybe I need to go back on celexa...

Feeling blessed

I emailed my mom to see if she could watch Lex next weekend while I am at work and she replied telling me that it was a silly question and of course he could come over. This is the same woman who wasn't sure she wanted to be a grandmother until she held him for the first time. I love seeing my boy with his grandparents (both sets) because they show just how much they love him. The weekend of the 23rd he is going to see his other set of grandparents because I am going to a concert down there and I know they are super excited to see him again. I'm hoping that while he and I are down there we can run to the Mall of America and get him an outfit for the wedding the weekend after. He's my spoiled little angel and I love every minute of it!

Added help

Since Nate was given orlistat at his visit with Dr. Avello I wanted to give it a shot too so being the loving husband he is he went out and got me alli. It's the same pill just at half the dose thus making it otc. I took my first pill with dinner and since we are starting to eat a lower carb diet and I try to work out a couple times a week I'm hoping this will just be an added boost. There's only 3 weeks until my cousins wedding and I hope to be down 10 or so pounds and make that dress look pretty decent. Nate has warned me about the side effect he has been experiencing but I think I can handle it.

Yesterday I had the most painful pelvic exam I've ever had. I went to urgent care thinking I had yet another uti (story of my life) and ended up having a pelvic because my urine didn't show signs of infection. Turns out I have another yeast infection, so damn frustrating because I never had them before I got pregnant but now I have them every couple of months. Maybe I need to eat more yogurt.

Rainy days

Have you ever felt like the weather? Today is one of those days for me. This morning it was kind of nice and I was in a pretty good mood despite being exhausted from having to pick up Nate late last night and Lex not wanting to go back to bed when we got home. This evening even though it's pretty decent I'm weepy and we have some isolated thunderstorms. I don't really know why I feel so weepy. Part of it might be reading posts about pregnancy, even though my friends who are pregnant are wonderful women and mothers I still hope some day we may be blessed enough to have another child even though being on cycle day 36 makes me doubt that.

Nate saw Dr Avello again today and he was placed on a fat blocker and told to start a low carb diet. I know this is good for him because it will prevent him from getting worse with his liver but I'm jealous. He has a doctor that will offer him some help in losing weight where I've been trying to lose weight since Lex was born almost 10 months ago and I've been left to struggle. We'll both be going on the low carb diet since it's recommended for PCOS too. I go see my new doctor on the 19th to check my thyroid again and I'm going to ask about seeing the endocrinologist, hopefully she'll be willing to give me the referral.

We found out we have to move in 3-6 months. We don't have anything lined up which is driving me nuts. We are hoping to get the financing for a house, but we don't have that great of credit. I'm afraid that we won't find anything and we'll be out on the street.

My cousin's bachelorette party was pretty fun, I got so sunburnt so that a week later I started peeling and now I itch like crazy, my shins look like a snake.

What I wouldn't give

For my chart to tell me if I actually ovulated and if there is the slightest possibility of me being pregnant. I'm actually kind of upset about this not knowing because seeing those damned crosshairs gives me what I believe to be false hope. I suppose it's a good thing that I don't ovulate because then I can work on losing weight but I could care less about losing weight since I'm going to regain when I do become pregnant again. But I may not become pregnant if I don't lose weight... ugh!

I'm just gonna go curl up and cry for a bit...

Frustrating

Between my chart, my nausea and inability to get to the gym regularly I'm pretty frustrated.

My chart is all wonky. Fertility friend cannot seem to make a decision about when I possibly ovulated first it said cycle day 13 and then 14 and now is back to 13. I don't know that I believe that I actually ovulated but only time will tell.

I'm nauseous yet again. I was feeling pretty good this morning when I woke up and went to the gym. I felt pretty good when I got home and showered, fed Lex and ate breakfast and got the chili started in the slow cooker. I sat down after doing dishes to check boards, read email and blogs and started feeling queasy. I actually got up at one point and was dry heaving in the bathroom. I'm tired of being queasy. I am going to see a doc at my clinic today about the bruises that randomly appear after working out on my back and I may mention that I've been nauseous for almost a week.

I feel awful, except for the workout this morning I hadn't been to the gym in more than a week. How the hell am I going to lose weight if I don't buckle down? I need someone to be accountable to other than myself I think... too bad my gym doesn't offer a personal trainer.

We found out that Nate has obesity-related hepatitis based on his biopsy results. We won't know much more than that until he has his follow-up with Dr. Avello in August.

Blah

So this is ridiculous. Since my chart shows ovulation I'm going with it, being 4dpo I know there is no way I should be getting sick now, even with early implantation it's still too darn early. I implanted at 5dpo with Lex and started feeling queasy the next day, I'm queasy already, the past few days I've just felt pukey and been getting bad headaches... how I wish I knew what was going on... Only 10 more days until I test (and I have the test already).

Baffled

My chart is throwing me for a loop... I don't know what to think. I do have my regular progesterone migraine so maybe just maybe... take a look.

I wonder

Since I quit taking bcp I'm monitoring fertility signs just to see where I am in my cycle and I'm currently in a stretch of fertile signs that make me hope and dream but I know that I got fertile signs several times during cycles before I had Lex and it's highly unlikely that any of that has changed. Either way a girl can dream.

I've been super busy with work lately so I haven't had as much quality time with my boys. Nate works opposite of me so I almost never see him and that's tough. For example, tonight I could really go for some cuddling, a shoulder rub and some adult time but he won't get home for a few more hours and I'm super tired and have to be up for a shift early. At least I see Lex at night. He almost always gets super excited to see me and we play hard until it's time for him to eat dinner, then it's either a bath, cuddle and bed or more playing, cuddle and bed. He's been really sweet lately and wants to cuddle which is nice but he's been difficult to get to sleep and that's hard because I usually use that time to catch up on blogs and board postings and then chores and I haven't accomplished much in the past few days because of his refusal to sleep. Tonight I spent almost 2 hours trying to get him to sleep, only to get frustrated and walk out of his room leaving my computer to play some lullabies and him to cry. It worked but I was very frustrated and felt awful afterwards.

I haven't been to the gym in a few days because the only time I had available was super early which sucks. I was hoping to go tomorrow morning but apparently yesterday I slipped my shoulder out of joint and it really freakin hurts still. I refused the pain killers yesterday in the urgent care (I also like an idiot refused to file a work comp claim...) and I'm kicking myself for it. Hopefully it feels better after work Thursday because I'll have time and I'll be on campus so working out would be great, if nothing else I'll at least go and do cardio and lower body.

One weird thing I've noticed when I finish working out are bruises that have just appeared on my back, no injuries or anything but deep dark bruises. I'm going to see a doc at my practice (since my primary care doc recently graduated and I haven't chosen a new doc yet) on Tuesday, hopefully it's something simple.

I should head to bed, I have to be at work in 9 hours and it's going to be a long day.

Hoo-ah

I rejoined the gym at work and tonight was my first night going back and it felt freakin amazing! I have so much residual energy and that is great considering I worked for 8 hours prior to going to the gym. My immediate goal is to make it to the gym at least 5 days this week, next goal is to lose 5 pounds by my cousin's bachelorette party at the end of this month and 15 by her wedding at the end of August. Since I'm working at the hospital until well after her wedding I'll have no excuse not to go. I can either go before work and shower there or go after work. Either way my fat toosh is gonna lose some poundage before the wedding and hopefully enough to get me ovulating regularly so I can convince Nate to try again. Not to mention I'm sure more body confidence on my part will make our sex life better.

Why do I have to dream?

Seriously what is the point in my dreaming at night? Last night and when I napped this morning I had very vivid dreams that involved being pregnant, delivering a beautiful baby girl, and a bfp. These are all things I want very very very much and with the way my body has been with pcos these are things that are out of reach. It doesn't help that Nate doesn't want to try right now at least until we get a house and I understand that but I can't help what my heart wants. I woke up in tears this afternoon because I could still smell that beautiful baby smell. Don't get me wrong I love that smell on Lex but it was a little girl, I could see her namebands from the hospital and everything. There is no promise that when I do finally become pregnant again that I'll have a little girl but it was just so heartbreaking to wake up and realize it wasn't real.

I should focus on my weight loss until I can start ttc'ing again but I just can't. Ugh I'm so damn frustrating to myself.

In other news I sunburnt the crap outta myself yesterday while I was at the 4th parade. I put on two coatings of spf 50 and my chest still blistered, it sucks monkey balls. At least Lex didn't burn and except when he got a little fussy towards the end he seemed to enjoy himself. He slept like a rock when we go to my mom's for her bbq and then woke up cheerful and more than happy to play with his grandparents and Aunt Carlie (who is technically not his aunt until she marries my brother but I love her to death so she'll always be Aunt Carlie). If anyone knows any good sunburn remedies (other than aloe because I always break out in hives with aloe) I'm all ears (which amazingly didn't get burnt lol).

Nate is having his procedures (colonoscopy, upper endoscopy and liver biopsy) on Tuesday so if you're the praying type we'd appreciate it. He's really nervous about the results I'm more nervous about the actual day because he never does well with sedation, he's impossible to wake up, where I'm trying to help the post-op nurses right away when I wake up. I usually have to drag him up the stairs to our apartment and last time my brother was around and that was great because Matt is so much stronger than I am but now Nate is quite a bit heavier and I have to get him up the stairs on my own since his mom will be with Lex.

Aunt Flo is evil

After delaying for a few days and making me a little nervous Aunt Flo has arrived and now I'm wishing she'd take a hike. Between the cramps and the migraine that won't budge I'm pretty miserable, it's a good thing Lex is in a good mood. Now I just have to predict how long it'll be until my next visit after this one, admittedly I wouldn't mind if she took a hike for 10 months or so and I get a baby out of the deal but realistically I don't see that happening, besides my friend needs a bfp first. Besides I have to watch Mr. Lex pretty constantly lately, he's crawling everywhere and pulling up on things, he's growing up on me... it's exciting and sad all at the same time.

I need a friend

Things aren't so great right now and I could use a friend, that's when I realize I don't have a lot of friends IRL... life sucks.

5 years

Nate and I have been married for 5 years yesterday and I can't believe it's been that long. We've had our share of ups and downs. We began our marriage with him being deployed for 9 months, not ideal conditions to begin a new life. His return from Bosnia was tough as well, I had expectations for him to come home and help me and he was still in military mode where everything was provided for him. That first year he was home was incredibly difficult, we fough a lot and we didn't seem to understand each other the way we had before we were married. Next came financial problems, I had spent far more than I should have when he was deployed and I wasn't very good at balancing out what we could spend and what we couldn't afford, we are still making up for that. Once we had worked on our marriage and had bills under control and headed back in the right direction we decided it was really time to start trying to have a baby. We hadn't been preventing since we had been dating, I've always had problems with birth control, once he proposed I stopped all birth control. I spent two years not preventing and not understanding how conception really works. I tried for another year without any assistance before I was referred to Dr. Sebastian who diagnosed me with PCOS and we began the year of medicated cycles. That was probably the toughest year of us trying, every cycle I had hope and almost every cycle that hope was crushed. We had more cancelled cycles than successful attempts. In that year we had a loss that took a massive toll on our hearts. When our second IUI ended in failure we decided to take a year off for me to attend school and save up for IVF. That's when my miracle boy happened. I was shocked that my body actually worked the way it was supposed to and even more shocked that I actually got pregant. Lex made his arrival in October and I still managed to finish school this past spring (only 4 months later than planned).

Nate is definitely the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with even though some days he makes me absolutely bonkers. We have some work to do on our marriage because I still get frustrated with him but we'll make it work. Hopefully in 5 more years I'll be reviewing again and I'll have another little one to mention (hint hint honey....)

Let's make a deal

I've done my fair share of bargaining with God or whoever/whatever is out there but this time I want to make a deal for a friend. Today I saw the most beautiful sight on her blog and literally jumped up and down in excitement for her, only to feel her heartbreak at the next post. So let's make a deal I will be patient and can wait another 4 1/2 years for a baby if she can get her's first... she honestly will make a wonderful mother and she's waited long enough. C'mon you know you want to make the deal...

That's it!

I've decided that after this pill pack I am absolutely positively stopping bcp. I've been fighting depression issues more while I'm on the damn pill than I normally do and I'm fed up with it. I can't seem to find a pill that doesn't have either emotional or physical side effects and I don't really need the pill to prevent pregnancy but rather to regulate my cycle. And this recent frustration with the pill is affecting my studying for my certification exam. This test would give me a pay raise if I pass and I can't focus enough because I'm upset at everything. Fuck the pill.

Definitely want a second one

This morning I babysat my friend's 19 month old daughter and after she got over her initial fear it was so much fun. She and Lex were sharing toys and playing up a storm. I think it was good for Lex to have another really little one to play with especially since all his cousins are so much older than him.

It also makes me want to join or start a mommy group but I have no idea where to start. I've looked for mommy groups here and all the ones I've found have been religion based or charge money to be a part of.

Why do I do this to myself?

Since Lex and Nate are napping and I didn't want to do dishes I decided to check in on my friends on the varying boards from ttc, to pregnancy, to parenting. Now I had no problems reading the ttc or parenting boards as I rarely do, but when I got to the pregnancy boards I got bummed out. Like tears, woe is me bummed. I'm getting back to the point that I envy pregnant women. On our way home from Minneapolis last night we stopped for gas in Hinckley and I saw two pregnant women and I wanted to cry. Don't get me wrong I'm blessed as all heck to have Lex but I would give my left arm to have another and based on the 2 1/2 month long cycle and inability to get Nate to agree to try again I know it's going to be a long trek to the next time I will get to break out the maternity clothes. But anyway I was reading on the pregnancy after infertility board (women I could relate with and a few I care deeply for) and one of my friend's has "I don't ovulate" in her signature and for some reason that stung, as she concieved this one on her own... just metformin and sex (which is wonderful as her daughter was IVF and she is a great mother) and I know right now I don't ovulate (outside of the birthcontrol issue). I'm such an ingrate... ignore me.

Changed my mind

After spending a good half hour looking at myself in the mirror earlier trying to get rid of zits and new hairs that shouldn't be there I decided I should probably go back on birth control for the time being. Nate agreed. In addition to the whole narcassistic reasons there is the upcoming move that I really don't want to be pregnant during. I'm very independent and want to do things on my own and if I couldn't help move I would feel awful. It's my crap I should have to move it. That and since we don't know for sure that we'd get a house with 3 bedrooms (or a house in general) now would not be the best time to add to our family. Besides then I can focus on the weight loss and not fertility signs or trying to avoid sex.

Coming up at the end of July is my cousin's bachelorette party and I'm having reservations about it... we are supposed to go to Minneapolis/St. Paul and party it up for a whole weekend but the mommy in me says I shouldn't go because Nate works that whole weekend and I'd need to find a sitter for Lex (not to mention I hate being away from him for more than 10 hours) or at least shouldn't go for the whole weekend. But the part of me that is one of her best friends says I should go get my party on. My mom said I should probably just go down for one of the days and Nate said he could either work from home that weekend or we could drop Lex off at his mom's but I don't know... What would you do if you were in this situation? I'm already turning down staying the night before the wedding with the girls because I know I can get up and get to the salon and then get home and get my boys ready better that way.

BFN

So I was right and it was negative. Now I need to call my doctor to figure out what the heck is going on with my body. Talk about frustrating.

Figures

I was going to poas (pee on a stick) today after running up to the pharmacy to get some home tests but they didn't have any, not even in the back storage. Normally I would just say 'whatever' and let is go but I really wish I had a test... I'm having similar feelings to when I got pg with Lex, especially the cramping I had on the day I found out I was pregnant. Normally I wouldn't care and just blow it off as normal aches and pains however something feels off, especially since I've been extra tired and queasy lately. It's probably nothing but I really feel the need to test...

Best sound ever

I was just sitting here catching up on my friend's blogs and sort of watching good morning america when I heard this beautiful sound coming from Lex's room, he was laughing. I absolutely love his laugh and he laughs so frequently I can't help but to laugh with him. He makes other noises too but his laugh tells me just how happy he is which makes me happy.

I've made at least one decision I'm going to skip the birth control and in a couple months get a script from my new dr for prometrium... that is if losing weight doesn't help me balance out.

What would you do?

I'm torn. Part of me wants to go back on bcp so I don't have to wait around forever for my period and it's much easier to keep track of my cycle that way, especially since we aren't ready to have another little one just yet (well Nate's not ready but I am...) but I don't want to go back on it because of some of the side effects I have.

Good news from my doctor's office today. I've lost 4 pounds since my last visit a month ago. I didn't realize I had lost any but it did make me happy. My doctor is honestly the sweetest woman ever. She told me how proud of me she was that I completed school, had a beautiful happy boy and got a great job that I obviously enjoy (although not so much today I had a three year old kick me a couple times and a 1 year old yank a needle out of his leg). And now I'm working towards my goal to lose weight... I'll get there one day...

Here Spot! C'mere boy!

It's about freakin time but spot showed up. Maybe that progesterone wasn't all bad and stopping yesterday after 6 days wasn't all bad. Hopefully he'll bring his owner AF with.

As dumb as this is I'm seriously contemplating bcp again... I have a script for em, I have some here even but I also want some hormone testing done... I don't know what I should do...

Brrr

So I'm a freezer. I took my temp this morning and it was 97.12, mind you I've been taking progesterone for 5 days and there has been no temp jump. I'm assuming that since the progesterone is past the expiration date that the pharmacy puts on there (generally they date it out a year from when you get the script and it doesn't acutally expire until later) it's either A)not working or B) my thyroid is crapping out on me or C) a little bit of both. Honestly I have a feeling about it being my thyroid, I've been utterly exhausted and noticed my fingers and toes are freezing even when it's warm out or I'm physically warm. I was doing research and PCOS and hypothyroidism (and more often autoimmune thyroditis) are related. This definitely makes me want to see the endocrinologist because I'm aware of my subclinical hypothyroidism and if this is due to hypothyroid as much as I don't want to I will be more than happy to take the synthetic thyroid hormone. It's frustrating knowing that I don't actually know what's going on with me and I don't know how soon I'll be able to find anything out.

Bring on Aunt Flo

I'm so tired of this cycle. I'm on cycle day 68 and I've started progesterone supplements but based on my chart they haven't really been working (no temp jump when it was expected). I'm almost tempted to go back on birth control. The only thing stopping me is wanting to see the endocrinologist and I'm sure that will entail some blood tests to check hormone levels.

Why can't my body just work the way it's supposed to? You'd think after 12 or so years of scanty periods, hair growing where I don't want it to and then 6 years of fighting with my weight I'd be used to this but it's so damn frustrating. All I want is to ovulate and have normal periods like normal women do. I don't even necessarily want to conceive now (I do but know we have to wait for a while for our finances to balance out and Nate to complete some of his education) but knowing that things work would make me feel better.

I feel like such a bitch complaining about this when I have friends who haven't conceived yet and are awaiting that blessed child but sometimes I just need to have these feelings come out because otherwise I will spend my "alone" time crying over my broken pituitary gland (I assume it's broken because I'm prediabetic and subclinical hypothyroid in addition to the pcos).

Neeeeeddddd sssssssslllleeeeppppp

That's me in my best zombie voice. Can someone explain to my darling son that just because the sun is up at 5:30 am doesn't mean he has to be? I'm trying to figure out ways to get him to sleep later because today was supposed to be the day I got to sleep in a bit (as much as 7 am is sleeping in) since I don't have to be to work until 10. He keeps moving his bedtime forward and thus his wake up time. Before he'd go to bed at nine and not get up until 8 and that was wonderful. Then it was go to bed at 8:30ish and get up at 7:30ish which was fine. But now he's moved bedtime to 7:30 with a 5:30 wake up time and Mommy isn't doing so great with that. It's not so bad on days when I have to be up at 5:30 to get up for work but seriously I will be up for far too long by time I get off work, dinner in me and finally doze off. If any one has ideas for me feel free to post a comment I would love some help.

Long long days

I'm going to have some seriously long days coming up. I'm working at my "home" clinic this week learning urgent care up there and to cover for one of the clinical assistants. I'll end up with just shy of 40 hours in the 4 days I'm up there. And then I come home to do housework. I'll admit Nate's been better at helping but there are days when I still come home and dread walking in the door because I know I'll find a mess, or a baby that is crabby and still in yesterday's clothes or last night's jammies. I know they don't go out during the day for the most part but still he should be put in a clean onesie.

I'm kind of annoyed. Nate called the endocrinology office for me to see if I could get an appointment and they only see patients on referral... okay that's all well and good but the doc that would be doing the referring will not be the doc recieving the results. I want to discuss with a physician what I can do about my pcos and actually have that doc know what pcos is. Also someone who may pay more attention to my prediabetes and subclinical hypothyroidism as related to my pcos. I'll have to discuss with Dr. Vick about getting me the referral next week when I see her. Hopefully she'll be willing to do that even though I don't know who my new doc will be... I have a few options but I'm not sure who I want to chose. I kind of look at it as who would I want to come see me when I have my next baby (not likely to deliver since it would be a c-section) and who I feel comfortable with taking over Lex's care.

Got cats?

Anyone want some cats? I am seriously ready to be rid of at least two if not three of my cats. The girls annoy me to no end and Ozzy does on a regular basis. I know I wanted them in the first place but I'm losing sleep from them racing around, sleeping next to my face and puking at night. I love them dearly I'm just going insane.

Catching up

Since I moved Lex's blog over I figured I may as well move mine. So just like I did with his I will be copying and pasting from my old blog over here so as to catch up. This one is going to be a little long...

Saturday, May 24, 2008

New plan

As of July 1st I will have a new doctor as Dr. Vick is graduating. I'm hoping that before that happens I can get her to refer me to an endocrinologist (a person who deals with hormones) if nothing else but for my pcos. I tried asking her about starting some meds to help control my blood sugar and she simply said that they wouldn't treat me until I have full blown diabetes, which I find bull but whatever. She said they would work on my diet and exercise first... I've been doing that with very little to no effect because I crave carbs... my body demands them. If I don't have them on a regular basis I get crabby and mean... and as much as I need/want to lose weight it's just not worth it to me to alienate my family to lose 5-10 pounds. Besides I don't think she understands that I'm losing fertility by the day... I want to have another baby before Lex is in school, I want to be a mommy again even if Nate doesn't understand that.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Stoked

I'm incredibly happy for two reasons. The first being one of my online friends getting a much deserved bfp. She is already a wonderful mother but she has longed for this little one for a long time. I can only hope this bean is sticky and she doesn't have to endure the hardship of a miscarriage.

Secondly, Nate has said that if we get a house when we move and we finish paying off the car shortly thereafter we can start trying again. I can't wait to start trying again. I love being a mommy. It's honestly the best feeling in the world to have this little guy who smiles when he sees me and needs me. He's my doll. Although if we are so blessed as to concieve again I would hope for another boy. Lex has been such a happy addition to our little family and I know what to expect from boys. I wouldn't mind a girl since I know my mom would be so excited for a granddaughter but I would be incredibly happy to have to messy, loud, tough little boys running around.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Can't wait

Tuesday I start my new job at Miller Creek. I can't wait! I'll be a clinical assistant in urgent care and a float for a couple of the other clinics, it'll be so nice to use my education, even though I don't technically graduate until the end of the week.

Things have been going well for the most part. I am completely off my antidepressants from postpartum and I have decided to stop all but my allergy meds and vitamins. It's nice not taking a half dozen pills every night with dinner. I'm still having problems with my hands and wrists hurting so I am starting hand therapy this week, hopefully that helps. I also have got to start really losing weight since I've been having a lot of back problems not to mention finding out I'm prediabetic.

Tomorrow is Nate's meeting with Dr. Avello, the gastroenterologist, to discuss his liver problems and what steps he'd like to take next. We are pretty sure it's going to be at least a biopsy and maybe a couple of other tests. I worry about Nate but at least this is getting taken care of.

I can't believe my little Lexy Lex is going to be 7 months old this week. It just seems like yesterday I was bringing him home and spending my nights awake with him. Now he sleeps all night, eats pureed baby food like a champ and is starting to use sippy cups for the bulk of his formula feedings. He has learned to army crawl and I've caught him trying to say dada a few times (he makes the motion but doesn't make noise). I love being his mommy, I don't know where I would be if we didn't have him to brighten my days.

We found out the city has approved a plan to buy out the houses in my neighborhood to expand the business district and my landlord is seriously thinking about selling. This means we'll be moving sometime in the near future. Nate was doing some research and it appears that the state has programs that because we are being displaced could get us into a house of our own. There is one not far from my mom's that I would love to move into. The floor plan is almost identical to my mom's and it would be perfect for us. But we'll have to see what is offered to us when the time comes.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I did it!

I'm finished with school completely! I just have to pick up my final transcript next week. I also got a job today. I will be working as a float for Miller Creek Clinic, the pediatrics office and cardiology. It's guaranteed hours which excites me to no end as I've been an unscheduled for over a year now and would LOVE being almost full time.

Lex has been a doll the past couple of weeks. He has two teeth now working their way up but since they are above his gumline he is more cheerful. I'm already thinking up plans for his first birthday, even though it's still 6 months away. I know we are probably going to have 2 parties one up here and one in the cities so that both sides of the family can be involved without overwhelming him.

I can't wait for the federal rebate check to come. We are planning to get into the gym just down the block from us (so much more convienent than driving up to the one at the hospital) and getting Lex an exersaucer which would be fun for him. It would also keep my lil man from rolling under the couch where he could possibly get hurt.

My birthday is coming up (as is Nate's) the big two-five. And the weekend after it is my first mother's day which is so nice. The only problem is right now I'm scheduled to work, we'll see what the new position does to that schedule...

Friday, March 28, 2008

Been a long time

I've been slacking on my blogging lately, even on myspace so I should probably do some catch-up. I'm currently working 40+ hours doing my externship at Mariner clinic. I'm really enjoying myself there and sincerely hope I get a position there, even if it's unscheduled. I had my mid-term evaluation on Tuesday and my supervisor said I'm exceeding all expectations and doing a really great job. All the people I've worked with agree and keep telling me I'm hired. Katie, the CMA I'm working with in family practice, said she has no doubts I will do fine on my CMA exam in June since I'm doing so well at the clinic.

Nate went in for a CT scan last week due to elevated liver enzymes for more than 9 months and it turns out he has some fatty infiltrate on his liver. We have to wait for some more testing but this could be Fatty Liver Disease (FLD). FLD can lead to cancer or cirrhosis if it's not controlled. He needs to change his diet and start exercising according to his doctor. He's having more blood work tomorrow to check some other things and after that comes back he's being referred to Dr. Avello, a gastroenterologist at our hospital, for a probable liver biopsy and a possible small intestine biopsy. I know he's really scared about it being cancer even though he jokes about it and laughs. I am concerned too but I realize the likelihood that it's cancer is pretty low and even if it's cancerous there is a quite a bit they can do before it becomes fatal. I hope though it's just FLD and he can get his diet and exercise under control.

In my health I'm prediabetic. I had my doctor order a blood glucose and a hemoglobin a1C because I wanted to go off metformin and she agreed. Tuesday I went in and Wednesday I got the results. My hemoglobin a1C was 4.6 which is at the higher end of normal but is normal. My glucose was 104, fasting, which puts me in the prediabetic category. I really need to improve my diet and exercise habits to keep me from becoming diabetic. I am going to be rechecked in three months.

Lex is at Linn's right now and it's taking all my energy not to call down there and see how he's doing. It's my first night away from him since he was born. I know she'll take good care of him but he's still my bubby and I hate being away from him.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I don't understand

There is one part of me that I don't understand... the part that makes the excuse to not work out. I don't just feel good after working out I feel great, I like the world has been lifted off my shoulders and I can face the next day with a new outlook. But even with that feeling I find myself thinking about all the stuff I should do instead of working out or excuses as to why I can't go. Usually these excuses are just dumb, Nate can take care of Lex, dishes and cat boxes can wait until I get home and yet I end up dwelling on them. I've already informed Nate that I want to workout tonight so I'm sure he'll push me to do it but I still have excuses running through my head. The really dumb thing is I could be doing the chores that I'm making excuses for right now....

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The pain is awful

I don't know what's going on with my body but for more than a week I've been in pretty nasty pain, mostly abdominal. I would think it's either cysts or a bladder/kidney infection but I'm not sure. I really don't want to go to the doctor or ER for it because I don't think they'll do anything for it. Dr. Vick changed my birth control to prevent the mid cycle bleeding I was having so I'm grateful for that but I wish there was something she could do for this abdominal pain. I'm tired of hurting and feeling like I want to cry.

Last night I took Lex with me to the roller rink. It was nice to go skating again but a little sad at the same time. Rick and Theresa were there but they weren't running things which I'm so used to them doing. Instead Rick's brother and sister (who never helped him run things when he was managing the rink) were doing it. Lex seemed to have fun until he got tired. I pushed him in a little stroller, only a few years and he'll be able to run all over on his own.

I had my informational interview for Mariner yesterday. It sounds like I'll be very busy during my externship but that's great. I'm hoping to get it done and get a real job quickly.

There is something I don't understand and maybe I'm just expecting too much but when Nate has the day off from work I would think he'd like to spend some time with me and Lex but today he has spent just about the whole day in front of his computer. I know he needs time to unwind but we rarely see each other since we work opposite schedules and when he gets home from work Lex and I are almost always sleeping. I don't expect him to do much for chores (in fact I've taken his chores over so he doesn't have to do anything except make dinner when we are both home).