Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Even with all the difficulties I've been having lately one thing I haven't had a hard time finding is angels in the flesh, I work with them on a daily basis.

When I'm having a particularly hard time being a single mom I have a clinic full of people who are at my side giving me ideas and volunteering to help where they can. As stubborn as I am I usually turn down the help and tell them that just getting everything off my chest is the best gift they can give me. But these men and women are smarter than that. They know that a lot of my stress comes from finances and that I am dead set against asking for help unless I absolutely need it. While I hadn't said I needed it these angels took a gathering in the office and presented me with an envelope of money to help make things easier. I was totally shocked and immediately grateful. That envelope meant diapers, a new backpack for Lex since his broke earlier this week and then gas for my car so I can make it to work next week. It meant the world to me that they would do this for us. Every time I think about it I start crying because I don't know how I got to be so blessed with such wonderful coworkers/friends/family. I wish I could do something just as touching in each and every one of their lives because this made a huge impact on ours

Sunday, January 9, 2011


I have a lot of problems with my anger. I can usually control it, especially when I'm around Lex (who incidentally has my hot temper) but I find that once I'm angry I tend to stay that way for hours to days. I'm harboring a lot of anger lately when it comes to things with Nate, especially bills or expenses and feeling like he gets to live relatively stress free in that aspect. Now don't get me wrong I don't blame him for all of the money problems I'm dealing with, I caused some of it too but I feel like I have to handle all the mistakes myself. I have a hard time talking to him because I'm in a constant state of stress, work causes stress, being home causes stress and my child that doesn't communicate like other kids his age causes stress and all this stress causes me to get angry. I feel like he's gloating when we talk because he gets to go out with his friends, he gets to do fun things that I can't afford to do or can't do because Lex is with me more often than not. I get angry when I hear about all the fun things he has planned for Lex's visits because he never wanted to do anything like that when he lived with us because he was always too tired or he just didn't want to.

I know I shouldn't get angry about these things because it just draws energy out of me and I should be happy that Nate wants to take Lex out to do fun things when they are together but sometimes I just can't help it. I had put everything I had into trying to make sure we could live comfortably, that Nate could attend school and do well,that Lex was getting all the therapy and one on one play time he needs and trying to make my marriage work. Once the work on the marriage fell through I was left wondering what went wrong. Yes, I'm the one that asked Nate to move out but I still blame myself for not being patient enough, for not giving him a stern enough warning to want to make the changes necessary for things to get better. I'm angry at myself for what I view as failing, I'm angry at Nate for not taking the necessary steps to help me on a daily basis and to help with Lex and the housework, for not attending classes and keeping down a job until we had managed to catch up on bills. But all this anger doesn't do me any good, it just makes me feel drained.


This last few days have been very frustrating for me. My favorite coworker (and very good friend) was off due to a medical procedure she had to have and while we joke that she and I run the clinic I realized this week that it is sort of true. I had so many questions directed to me that I honestly contemplated hiding out in an empty exam room just to avoid the extra questions. In addition to having to do my regular vaccine and medication ordering I had to order supplies since that is normally her responsibility. I just hope I didn't screw that up at all.

Normally I work with one doc 3 days a week and then another on Thursdays. This Thursday he started later than normal but I still got to the clinic early figuring I would use that time to catch up on messages and prescriptions but instead I spent the extra 45 minutes before his first patient stocking his rooms. His other assistant obviously hadn't put any new supplies in there in a while since there were a lot of expired items that I threw out and he had to covers for the otoscope in one room. Now I normally just mutter under my breath and maybe complain to another assistant or two because it's not really my responsibility to keep these rooms stocked but I never say anything to our manager. (I'm responsible for the 2 rooms that my regular doc uses and she never runs out of supplies because I get in early on Tuesdays to make sure we have plenty of supplies for the next week.) This time I had enough, I went to the manager and explained I understand that this nurse has a harder time keeping up with patient flow, messages and prescriptions because of the way she works but I had enough of having to stock these rooms when I know she has the time to do it because she is frequently off chatting instead of in her office. I told him that if he and the doctor wanted me to stock those rooms I would do it but otherwise I want the normal nurse to do it. I came up with a form last year to make sure we check all the items in our rooms for expiration dates and the nurse I was having problems with hadn't used hers at all as far as I could tell. My manager said he would discuss it with her when she returns to work and thanked me profusely for taking the initiative to make sure the doc had the supplies he would need and checking expiration dates.

The next day the nurse I was having problems with called in sick as she does pretty frequently (or she shows up late without any warning for the rest of us). My manager called me around 7am to see if I could work the rest of the day since I was only scheduled to work the morning with my regular doc. I told him I had several things I had to do but I would stay if they needed me. Luckily he found a float to come in so I didn't have to stay the whole day but instead I had to help the floats that were covering 2 of the 5 docs in office. Covering that many messages and prescriptions isn't usually a problem but we had really over booked my doc. So instead of doing just her messages and prescriptions I had hers and 3 other docs' stuff open. At work I'm pretty easily flustered if I don't feel like I'm making good progress and it didn't feel like I was on Friday. I still managed to get it all done but an hour and a half after I was supposed to leave.

Friday after leaving work my plan was to run home and grab some stuff to bring back to my cable company, pick up Lex from daycare and get a steroid injection in my sore shoulder. That plan fell through completely. I was driving a little faster than I should have because I was trying to remain ahead of a car that was coming up on my bumper when I saw a police officer driving in the other direction. I had already started to push my brakes when I saw him turn his car around and come back my direction. I knew who he was pulling over... me. By time he got to my window I had my license ready and I did my best to be polite. Then came the bad part, he asked for my insurance, something I didn't have (I had let it lapse in order to pay other bills that I felt were more necessary, something I now realize was a bad idea). He went back to his car and I knew I was getting a ticket. Okay so I didn't really want the ticket but I figured paying a fine was no big deal and would help me learn my lesson to slow down. He came back to my car and said he had to tow it for the lack of insurance and asked if there was anyone I could call to come get me. I was just about in tears before he finished that statement but I managed to hold it together to tell him that I would try to find someone but if I couldn't would it be possible for him to give me a ride to the downtown bus stop so I could at least get back to Superior to get Lex from daycare on time. He said he would drive me all the way to Superior if I needed him to. Luckily my dad came to my rescue. While I was waiting for Dad to get there I called and got a quote for car insurance so that as soon as I could get a prepay debit/credit card I could order the insurance. Tomorrow I will hopefully get my car back since I have my insurance cards. This one mistake is costing me big bucks though.

Last night and today I don't know what bug crawled up Lex's butt but this kid is testing my patience. He has just been screaming or crying for nothing and then he has been hitting and scratching way more than normal. I'm surprised I don't have a black eye for the number of times he has punched me in the face this weekend. Last night I felt bad for him. He absolutely hates having his nails cut and he doesn't like having lotion put on his skin, not sure if it's SPD (sensory processing disorder) related or just a quirk that he has but doing both of these things cause a battle (as does cutting his hair but that seems to be improving since I got a new set of clippers that are much quieter). I started trying to cut his toe nails since he had a couple of long ones and a couple that were broken and I'm sure snag on his socks, that was almost impossible so I just cut the long ones and stopped. He screamed the whole time I was doing that so I held him for a while and he kept trying to hand me his pajamas to put on him but since I hadn't done the lotion yet I wouldn't put them on him. Next up was his finger nails. I have a lot more practice doing his fingers so I swaddled him, pulled one arm out and pinned him under my legs, cue the major screaming and the baby Hulk. I managed to get them all cut but he lost his voice from screaming (he's like me his voice is the first thing to go when he gets a cold). He cried while I put the lotion on him and started to calm down once I had his pajamas on. When I went to put the nail clippers and lotion away he fell asleep on the couch. I always feel bad when I have to do this but an upset child is better than my arms looking like I got into a fight with the cats.