5 years

Nate and I have been married for 5 years yesterday and I can't believe it's been that long. We've had our share of ups and downs. We began our marriage with him being deployed for 9 months, not ideal conditions to begin a new life. His return from Bosnia was tough as well, I had expectations for him to come home and help me and he was still in military mode where everything was provided for him. That first year he was home was incredibly difficult, we fough a lot and we didn't seem to understand each other the way we had before we were married. Next came financial problems, I had spent far more than I should have when he was deployed and I wasn't very good at balancing out what we could spend and what we couldn't afford, we are still making up for that. Once we had worked on our marriage and had bills under control and headed back in the right direction we decided it was really time to start trying to have a baby. We hadn't been preventing since we had been dating, I've always had problems with birth control, once he proposed I stopped all birth control. I spent two years not preventing and not understanding how conception really works. I tried for another year without any assistance before I was referred to Dr. Sebastian who diagnosed me with PCOS and we began the year of medicated cycles. That was probably the toughest year of us trying, every cycle I had hope and almost every cycle that hope was crushed. We had more cancelled cycles than successful attempts. In that year we had a loss that took a massive toll on our hearts. When our second IUI ended in failure we decided to take a year off for me to attend school and save up for IVF. That's when my miracle boy happened. I was shocked that my body actually worked the way it was supposed to and even more shocked that I actually got pregant. Lex made his arrival in October and I still managed to finish school this past spring (only 4 months later than planned).

Nate is definitely the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with even though some days he makes me absolutely bonkers. We have some work to do on our marriage because I still get frustrated with him but we'll make it work. Hopefully in 5 more years I'll be reviewing again and I'll have another little one to mention (hint hint honey....)

Let's make a deal

I've done my fair share of bargaining with God or whoever/whatever is out there but this time I want to make a deal for a friend. Today I saw the most beautiful sight on her blog and literally jumped up and down in excitement for her, only to feel her heartbreak at the next post. So let's make a deal I will be patient and can wait another 4 1/2 years for a baby if she can get her's first... she honestly will make a wonderful mother and she's waited long enough. C'mon you know you want to make the deal...

That's it!

I've decided that after this pill pack I am absolutely positively stopping bcp. I've been fighting depression issues more while I'm on the damn pill than I normally do and I'm fed up with it. I can't seem to find a pill that doesn't have either emotional or physical side effects and I don't really need the pill to prevent pregnancy but rather to regulate my cycle. And this recent frustration with the pill is affecting my studying for my certification exam. This test would give me a pay raise if I pass and I can't focus enough because I'm upset at everything. Fuck the pill.

Definitely want a second one

This morning I babysat my friend's 19 month old daughter and after she got over her initial fear it was so much fun. She and Lex were sharing toys and playing up a storm. I think it was good for Lex to have another really little one to play with especially since all his cousins are so much older than him.

It also makes me want to join or start a mommy group but I have no idea where to start. I've looked for mommy groups here and all the ones I've found have been religion based or charge money to be a part of.

Why do I do this to myself?

Since Lex and Nate are napping and I didn't want to do dishes I decided to check in on my friends on the varying boards from ttc, to pregnancy, to parenting. Now I had no problems reading the ttc or parenting boards as I rarely do, but when I got to the pregnancy boards I got bummed out. Like tears, woe is me bummed. I'm getting back to the point that I envy pregnant women. On our way home from Minneapolis last night we stopped for gas in Hinckley and I saw two pregnant women and I wanted to cry. Don't get me wrong I'm blessed as all heck to have Lex but I would give my left arm to have another and based on the 2 1/2 month long cycle and inability to get Nate to agree to try again I know it's going to be a long trek to the next time I will get to break out the maternity clothes. But anyway I was reading on the pregnancy after infertility board (women I could relate with and a few I care deeply for) and one of my friend's has "I don't ovulate" in her signature and for some reason that stung, as she concieved this one on her own... just metformin and sex (which is wonderful as her daughter was IVF and she is a great mother) and I know right now I don't ovulate (outside of the birthcontrol issue). I'm such an ingrate... ignore me.

Changed my mind

After spending a good half hour looking at myself in the mirror earlier trying to get rid of zits and new hairs that shouldn't be there I decided I should probably go back on birth control for the time being. Nate agreed. In addition to the whole narcassistic reasons there is the upcoming move that I really don't want to be pregnant during. I'm very independent and want to do things on my own and if I couldn't help move I would feel awful. It's my crap I should have to move it. That and since we don't know for sure that we'd get a house with 3 bedrooms (or a house in general) now would not be the best time to add to our family. Besides then I can focus on the weight loss and not fertility signs or trying to avoid sex.

Coming up at the end of July is my cousin's bachelorette party and I'm having reservations about it... we are supposed to go to Minneapolis/St. Paul and party it up for a whole weekend but the mommy in me says I shouldn't go because Nate works that whole weekend and I'd need to find a sitter for Lex (not to mention I hate being away from him for more than 10 hours) or at least shouldn't go for the whole weekend. But the part of me that is one of her best friends says I should go get my party on. My mom said I should probably just go down for one of the days and Nate said he could either work from home that weekend or we could drop Lex off at his mom's but I don't know... What would you do if you were in this situation? I'm already turning down staying the night before the wedding with the girls because I know I can get up and get to the salon and then get home and get my boys ready better that way.

BFN

So I was right and it was negative. Now I need to call my doctor to figure out what the heck is going on with my body. Talk about frustrating.

Figures

I was going to poas (pee on a stick) today after running up to the pharmacy to get some home tests but they didn't have any, not even in the back storage. Normally I would just say 'whatever' and let is go but I really wish I had a test... I'm having similar feelings to when I got pg with Lex, especially the cramping I had on the day I found out I was pregnant. Normally I wouldn't care and just blow it off as normal aches and pains however something feels off, especially since I've been extra tired and queasy lately. It's probably nothing but I really feel the need to test...

Best sound ever

I was just sitting here catching up on my friend's blogs and sort of watching good morning america when I heard this beautiful sound coming from Lex's room, he was laughing. I absolutely love his laugh and he laughs so frequently I can't help but to laugh with him. He makes other noises too but his laugh tells me just how happy he is which makes me happy.

I've made at least one decision I'm going to skip the birth control and in a couple months get a script from my new dr for prometrium... that is if losing weight doesn't help me balance out.

What would you do?

I'm torn. Part of me wants to go back on bcp so I don't have to wait around forever for my period and it's much easier to keep track of my cycle that way, especially since we aren't ready to have another little one just yet (well Nate's not ready but I am...) but I don't want to go back on it because of some of the side effects I have.

Good news from my doctor's office today. I've lost 4 pounds since my last visit a month ago. I didn't realize I had lost any but it did make me happy. My doctor is honestly the sweetest woman ever. She told me how proud of me she was that I completed school, had a beautiful happy boy and got a great job that I obviously enjoy (although not so much today I had a three year old kick me a couple times and a 1 year old yank a needle out of his leg). And now I'm working towards my goal to lose weight... I'll get there one day...

Here Spot! C'mere boy!

It's about freakin time but spot showed up. Maybe that progesterone wasn't all bad and stopping yesterday after 6 days wasn't all bad. Hopefully he'll bring his owner AF with.

As dumb as this is I'm seriously contemplating bcp again... I have a script for em, I have some here even but I also want some hormone testing done... I don't know what I should do...

Brrr

So I'm a freezer. I took my temp this morning and it was 97.12, mind you I've been taking progesterone for 5 days and there has been no temp jump. I'm assuming that since the progesterone is past the expiration date that the pharmacy puts on there (generally they date it out a year from when you get the script and it doesn't acutally expire until later) it's either A)not working or B) my thyroid is crapping out on me or C) a little bit of both. Honestly I have a feeling about it being my thyroid, I've been utterly exhausted and noticed my fingers and toes are freezing even when it's warm out or I'm physically warm. I was doing research and PCOS and hypothyroidism (and more often autoimmune thyroditis) are related. This definitely makes me want to see the endocrinologist because I'm aware of my subclinical hypothyroidism and if this is due to hypothyroid as much as I don't want to I will be more than happy to take the synthetic thyroid hormone. It's frustrating knowing that I don't actually know what's going on with me and I don't know how soon I'll be able to find anything out.