Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"Instant Karma"

That's the name of the House episode I was watching last night that made me sit back and think, most specifically the quote "People don't get what they deserve. They get what they get". While in that case House was trying to prove that karma has nothing to do with a man's child being ill. My logical mind knows that what House said is true but then there's a part of me that believes in karma isn't so sure.
I often ask myself what I did to become infertile. Was it from not listening to my parents as a child, becoming sexually active at a relatively young age or from picking the wrong man to have children with (I love my husband dearly but I married a man that didn't want children). Logically I know that my infertility stems from a hormone disorder, not anything I've ever done.
I also know this is the same logic I need to have in regards to Lex and his Autism diagnosis. I often wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't taken Lor.tab for my severe back pain, had scan after scan on my lungs or the elective induction and subsequent c-section. I know that none of this caused Lex's autism but I can't help to think that my karmic balance is off.
I wish there was something I could do to help balance the scales but if there's not that has to be fine too. I can't live my life in the what-ifs. There is too much in my life for me to enjoy to dwell on what isn't there.

Spring cleaning

Every year I tell myself I'm going to buckle down and spring clean and most years it just doesn't happen, this year is different. I've already accomplished quite a bit by getting all of the baby clothes that we'll never use again as well as a bunch of toys and other things that I haven't unpacked from our move over a year ago. I have to admit I cried when gathering the baby clothes. I've always felt that I would have more than one child but Nate and I have come to an agreement that we should probably just have Lex. We are financially strapped and it doesn't look like we'll be rolling in the money anytime soon. Speech and occupational services will stop being free in October and Nate has at least 2 more years of school and then I wanted to go back to get my M.D. With all those in consideration I've decided that my desire to give Lex a sibling just wasn't reasonable, especially knowing what I had to do (clom.id and injectibles with IUI) to conceive him. I fear that he'll feel alone in the world but I hope that my brothers will get married and have children soon so that he can have at least one cousin (other than Haiden) close to his age that he can be close to like I have.

I guess in addition to the spring cleaning of my basement I did a little spring cleaning in my soul.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Weight lifted.

Today Lex's teachers helped lift a weight off my shoulders. We met with them to discuss Lex's diagnosis and what we can do to help them and what they can do to help us.

We started off notifying them that we know about Lex's penchant for misbehavior and that it was okay to use a heavier hand with him than they would with the other kids and giving them how we treat such behaviors at home because we want to keep that a level playing field. I informed them of Lex's diagnosis and what his signs and symptoms at home are and they shared what his are there. My new assignment is to come up with some information for them about what Autism is and what we can do to help Lex become a participating member of his class. We tried to reassure them that he can be part of the class when he wants to be and to definitely keep up with any brushing techniques that his O.T. has taught them to help bring him around to being a more focused kid. They are also going to look into getting a tent for his classroom to give him a place to retreat when he is too sensory overloaded. All in all I feel better about the situation even if it means I need to sit down and do some homework.

Another bright spot of today is realizing that Lex is starting to show some affection not only to me but to his books. He has a baby sign language book and it has a picture of a baby that's crying and he kisses the baby better. Today while he was watching his "music videos" on youtube he leaned over and gave me several kisses on my arm where I had a mole removed, it melted my heart.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The 5 stages

I am copying most of this right out of my personal journal so don't be surprised if it makes very little sense or has very little flow.

The grieving process is usually 5 steps (denial, anger, barganing, depression and acceptance) but I feel like I've mastered 3 of the steps recently and not in the correct order. (I've also read/heard that most parents of a child that has special/different needs go through this process over and over.)
I have been going through denial, anger and acceptance most recently. I originally accepted Lex's autism diagnosis because I knew it fit just as much as sensory processing disorder does (70% of kids with spd are also diagnosed with autism).

Then I went down the road of denail. I believed he wasn't really any different from the kids in his 2 year old class. Sure, he didn't talk and he has some negative social interactions but he didn't seem like he was all that different.
Friday morning opened my eyes. When I dropped Lex off in his classroom at daycare the other kids didn't want to play with him and he ended up sitting by himself with some blocks. Picking him up was more of the same. The other kids were running and playing together and Lex was hanging out in a corner by himself. Then came the report from his teacher that he was being aggressive again, pulling hair, pinching, hitting and biting for really no good reason.

I'm angry that the teachers don't encourage the other kids to play with Lex. I'm mad that Lex is being so difficult at daycare. But I'm most angry that I don't know what to do for him.

I guess I'm grieving the child I had expected Lex to be. Don't get me wrong I know he'll be able to do many things but most of life is social and he will have a very hard time with that. When I dreamt about Lex when I was pregnant I never dreamt about endless therapy or a child that is an outsider among his peers. And while I know I should be happy that he is happy and healthy, I fear what is going to happen to him in this world that isn't so understanding.