Wednesday, November 24, 2010


I know it's the time of year when everyone is posting about what they are thankful for and while I normally try to post this throughout the year I figured I'd join the masses and post now.

I am thankful for
-Lex. He's an amazing, frustrating, funny, beautiful and stubborn boy. I spend every day trying to teach him new words and how to communicate his wants and needs with we and he spends those days teaching me how to be more patient. He teaches me how to loosen up and enjoy the day every day. Some days I don't feel like we are meshing, I'm not getting his signals and he's not getting mine but on the days we do it's magic. He'll talk up a storm and I understand his "words" and their meanings, he'll guide me around the house to help him do things. These are all massive strides from a year ago when he wanted to do everything by himself and he wouldn't say much. I just want to see him growing  and expanding as a person.
-My parents. Mom and Dad are wonderful. When we had car trouble earlier in the year Mom came to the rescue. If there's ever a time I can't go get Lex from daycare one of them will go get him for me and entertain him until I can get to their house. They spoil Lex like there is no tomorrow. They always have mini marshmallows for a snack, the layout of their furniture makes a great track and they have the best bed for jumping on. Nana and Papa's house is Lex's favorite place, he loves being home with me but when we get dressed to run errands on the weekend he races to the door yelling "Nanananananana!" So I know he wants to go visit. I'm thankful that these two people that I know love me so much were willing to let me make my own mistakes and are always there to help me get back up when I fall.
-Nate. After being married to someone for 7 years a separation and pending divorce is difficult and he is trying to work with me to have this be as amicable as possible. I know in my heart of hearts I still love him but just not in the same way I once did. I'm thankful for him being there through our whole ordeal of trying to get pregnant, our loss and subsequent amazement of our pregnancy with Lex. He was good at helping while I was pregnant, trying to princess me even though I'd rather keep trucking along. I'm thankful he was so "afraid" of me to go to the nurses station to advocate for me while I was in labor. I'm thankful for him being here when Lex's tympanoplasty tubes were placed, for the sedated hearing test (and getting extra jammies after Lex threw up waking up from sedation) and for sitting by my side when Lex was diagnosed with autism. I'm thankful he handled most of Lex's occupational therapy sessions while I worked and then started the brushing protocol before I could. I'm thankful that even at the end of our relationship we can act like adults and still care about the amazing child we have together.
-My brothers and their loved ones. Karl started the year in Afghanistan and came home safely. He came back a grown up, I was used to my little brother being more teen like and goofy but he's getting his life together and I love being able to watch that change since he's only a block down the street from me. It's nice knowing he's nearby but not so close that we are within bickering  range. I have yet to meet Chelsea his girlfriend but some day. Ollie is an amazing little boy and so funny. I hope to have him and Lex get together to play soon. Matt has been in Missouri working hard and now playing just hard. His fiance Megan is his perfect match they even smile upside down. I'm thankful Matt has found his match in her she's a perfect fit into our family. I'm really thankful for my nephew that Megan is still baking. I love babies! And Samuel is going to be one loved baby!
-My friends Chelli, Penny, Shawne, Kathy, Sally,Tami, Mark and Beth at work. They make the day fly by. We spend so much time laughing and pulling pranks on each other. This is the first job I feel like I'm a member of a team instead of a body filling a position. I love hanging out with these ladies outside of work and their adorable kids.
-My friends Crystal, Krystal, Stephanie and Dustin. Some of you are actually related to me and some of you I wish were, you know who you are. I'm thankful of all the love and support you give when all you really have is a hug from miles away. I'm so proud of you guys for everything you've done in the last year and the things that will come in the new year. Keep your chins up and let me know if you need anything.
-Pam, Lex's daycare teacher. After the problems we had with New Horizons this year Pam has been a miracle. She just seems to "know" what to do when it comes to Lex and some of his difficulties. I almost never get a bad report on his behavior there. The kids there are wonderful too. Yesterday when I dropped Lex off the kids asked if he had school and then were very sad to find out that he did. They wanted to play with their new friend Lex and he wanted to play with them.
-Carol, Lex's special education teacher. Carol is wonderful with Lex. She admitted she didn't really know what to do with him for the first days because he was so difficult to handle. She makes it a point to communicate with me at least once a week and she tries to find the good even when she has bad to tell me about. At his conferences she was proud of the strides he has made and even commented on how she wished the other kids were as good at eating as Lex is.Yesterday's note brings a smile to my face. "AMAZING Day!" Lex was very involved and participated . He did 2 obstacle courses with NO protest and independently did 1-2 more. Then he went to the table to play with playdoh and a peer joined him and they played for 10-15 minutes!" This is really big for Lex and I like to thank Carol for letting me know how he's expanding there and using my ideas when she thinks they'll work for him without interrupting his class
-Douglas County Birth to 3. Most specifically Paula and David, The time we spent working on techniques we learned in occupational and speech services is priceless. Lex had such a good relationship with each of them and I know he enjoyed playing with them while learning. It was hard moving away from their services but Lex is nothing but better for having them.
- Nate's family. They have let me know that I'm still a part of the family even with what's going on with me and Nate. I can't wait to see my eldest niece get married this fall, she'll be a gorgeous bride.I'm glad they were willing to give him a place to live when he moved out and a place for Lex to have fun on his weekends with them.
-Pumpkin, Ozzy and Alice (Bella and Eva). Our kitties are a source of frustration some days ("What do you mean you couldn't throw up in the box... why in my shoes?") but they are a huge source of relaxation for me. It's nice to have a warm body snuggled in my lap while watching movies or taking a nap. It's a load of fun watching them play with whatever "toy" falls on the floor and how easily a shadow can startle them. While Bella and Eva no longer live with me(Bella went to the shelter and was adopted almost instantly, Eva went with Nate) I'm thankful that I got to have the time to get to know them.
-My own learning and strength. This year has been a journey, it's been a long twisty ride and I've come out stronger and smarter for it. I know I'm going to have my down points but if I keep smiling I can manage anything and if I can't handle it myself I have wonderful people that will be here to help me.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Today is the start of a week of separation . Lex is going to spend from tonight until Saturday afternoon with Nate and my inlaws. I'm miserable with out having Lex around. I know I will be able to handle the day to day stuff, cleaning, feeding the cats, etc, What I'm going to have a hard time with is the quiet times Lex normally shares with me. The snuggling on the couch with the tv on. Snuggling in bed because he's too awake and needs someone to rub his back to help him fall back to sleep. I'm going to sleep with his spare blanket tonight  so I can feel like he's near by me. If I could have my way there would be no custody agreement  that would mean Lex is several hours away from me for several days. I love my baby boy.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


For me happiness is spending time with Lex watching Pixar movies. Happiness is hearing him giggle when he's doing something he shouldn't or he finds something completely off the wall funny. Happiness is hearing a new word come out of his mouth, even if that new word (bad) is paired with mommy. Happiness is him giving me a kiss or hug to apologize for biting or hitting me.

I've found I've been my happiest lately with it just being me and Lex. Sure things can be stressful, especially when he's slamming his rock hard head into my freshly pulled tooth spot but I am enjoying every minute of my time with my Lexy Lex.

Saturday Night Song of the Week

Okay I know I'm a little late but I crashed early last night so here's the song of the week.

I hope to find this kind of guy some day. Not looking for him now but who knows down the road?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Feeling blessed

Today got off to a rough start. I woke up with massive swelling in my left cheek after having a tooth break last night on that side, I had an abscess. Thankfully I got in to see my dentist and we've gotten that taken care of. I'm still swollen but I no longer look like I have the chipmunk and acorns stuffed in my face.

Today ended on a good note. My good friend Crystal came over and Lex and I got to enjoy the night with her. We had planned on dinner but she stayed right up until Lex was wound down enough for bed. It was great having her around to talk to (not that I don't like talking to Lex but given his limited vocabulary it's hard to hold a conversation), she helped with bath time, brushing his teeth and getting him settled. I will be very sad when she moves to Green Bay at the beginning of the year but excited for her all the same. I know she will do great down there, she's a wonderful person and so smart how could she not?

I'm feeling pretty lucky when it comes to Lex's school and daycare now. The last two days at school it was just him in class and his teacher sent home notes about how well he did with all the one on one time. Today I got a note that there were more kids there so he had a rougher day with more hitting and head butting but after she got him settled down he still had a very good day. I think that having him attend school 4 days a week has been great for him. He has come so far when it comes to everything we are seeking assistance for, he's attempting more words, he's using some signs regularly and he has become even more outgoing, something I know can be very hard for him. Daycare has been wonderful too. Pam is a great fit for us. She understands what his limitations are when it comes to autism and she's great at explaining it to the other kids. She makes sure Lex is always included with the other kids, even if it is just the baby and Lex playing peek-a-boo. Lex obviously loves it there because he runs in every morning and doesn't really want to come home at night. Tonight she and I got talking and she started giving me some information on resources I haven't looked into as far as services to help both Lex and myself. I tend to be willing to give until I break down and she reminded me that I can't do that, it's not good for either of us, so I'll be looking into respite services. I do get a break now when Nate has Lex but that could always change.

I'm also really lucky to work with the wonderful ladies I call my friends at work. They covered for me so I could go to the dentist, handled some of my responsibilities for me since I start a little late on Thursdays and one even agreed to watch Lex next month since my daycare will be closed for her vacation and I can't take that time off of work. We are having a shower for one of the ladies in January as a surprise since she's having her first daughter and we are all so excited for her. She is such a sweetie. She knew I wasn't ready to be done having children when Nate decided he was so she wanted to make sure I heard from her when she announced her pregnancy as to make sure my feelings weren't going to be hurt. They weren't hurt at all, I was very excited for her, she's a wonderful person and mother. After all she's the mommy of another 10/15 baby, we have a very special connection.

Yesterday my baby brother and his fiance found out they will be having a son in April. I'm so happy for them. I was really hoping they'd have a girl but I know what kinds of things boys need so that'll make shopping for gifts that much easier. I don't know what they plan to name my future nephew but I'm very happy to know he's on the way. Matt and Megan will make wonderful parents, they are both pretty awesome people.

My middle brother has been so kind in the weeks since Nate moved out I almost don't recognize him. Karl and I haven't always been nice to each other (we are less than 2 years apart in age so we had a lot of competition when it came to getting approval from family and we tended to flirt with each other's friends in order to make each other mad) but I really like my brother now. I don't know if his deployment to Afghanistan really changed him that much or if my home situation changed me but we get along now like we never really have before. He's also dating a lady with a little boy who is absolutely a doll. Oliver is super cute, hopefully he and Lex can play more often since they only are a little more than a year apart in age. I can't wait to meet Chelsea (Karl's girlfriend, Ollie's mom) I'm sure if she can put up with my brother she's gotta be worth getting to know.

I have so much in my life to be feeling lucky for and I really am lucky.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Our new norm

This weekend was Lex's first with Nate in the Twin Cities. We agreed to alternate weekends so Lex can see both of his parents. I missed him like crazy. I'm so used to having Lex with me all the time it was odd to run to the store and not have to grab a cart and continually tell the small person sitting in it to sit back down. Don't get me wrong it was nice but I'd honestly rather have that time with him. Since I work so much during the week the weekends are mine and Lex's quality time together. Those are the hours I usually spend with him playing, doing crafts and just being together enjoying his laugh and trying to be patient with his temper tantrums. I guess I'll just have to get accustomed to this new norm where he's doing things with Nate's family while I try to think of things to keep myself busy.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Testing testing

Okay so I'm a little slow and didn't realize that I didn't have a comments field on here for some reason so I changed some settings just to see if it'll work. I think the changes only start after a "new" post. If you can comment please do so, I'd like to see if I got this fixed. Thanks!

Saturday Night Song of the Week

My new goal is to post at least once a week and this will be my sure fire way of doing it. In honor of this being the first week I'm going to post my two top songs of the week. First one is a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus song that describes how I've been feeling about the whole separation and pending divorce. Second one is Eminem and Rihanna just because I can't get enough of that song.

Monday, November 8, 2010

A different road

Lex and I started down a different road from Nate roughly a week ago. Nate and I separated and he moved down to his mom's house a few hours south. We have started the paperwork to get a divorce. Now while some divorces are all about blaming each other ours won't be. I can't blame him for all the problems in our marriage, I'm just as much at fault. We've been trying to work on these things since March and no matter how much we improve we always fall back into the bad habits. In the end we are doing what's best for us and Lex.

Lex is living with me most of the time and will be staying with Nate part time so that he always knows his dad loves him. I do have to say that even just being separated a week has proved most beneficial for Lex. I know I'm not as frustrated as I was and that trickles down to Lex, I'm not as quick to be annoyed when he's refusing to communicate and instead just wants to scream. He's getting more one on one interaction because of all the time it's just me and him.

I love being a single mom so far. We've had a few rougher spots (changes in his routine/schedule, cutting his nails and hair) but I would say overall it's been a good week. Lex makes me laugh when I feel down and I make him dinner lol. I think I'm just eating up that he has so much affection to give and since Nate's not here I'm getting it all. We've also developed new games in everything we do and discipline isn't a problem since I'm not trying to battle differing views. I just hope that Lex realizes that we both love him very much I just happen to be a bit better at handling my difficult child when he wants to be difficult.