Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Stress does a lot of bad things to me, always has. When I was in college I would get chest pain on days that were particularly stressful. When I would float out to clinics I wasn't familiar with I would have panic attacks. I've always had problems with my muscles tightening up while under stress and lately that's been my big problem (that and stress eating). As much as I want to lose weight I can't because it hurts to exercise when my back and shoulder muscles are in giant knots and then you add on my massive craving for chocolate when I'm stressed and I've hit a plateau, which of course stresses me out further.

Now you may be asking, "What's stressing you out Cate?" And it's a combination of things, work has been particularly stressful since I'm working all sorts of hours with many different doctors, doing flu shots and just trying to help out where I can.
My home life isn't easy right now. Nate will be losing his job October 30th, he's in school full time and with my goofy hours at work Lex is in daycare more than I like. So money is about to get tighter and expenses aren't getting any lighter.
Then there is Lex's therapy. While Nate and his therapist David feel good about it I worry. Maybe it's just because I'm so over protective of my little boy I worry about how every session is going to be, I worry that we aren't doing enough for him and in the end I worry that he'll never catch up to his peers. I can hear the sympathetic thoughts now, that I shouldn't worry and he has plenty of time but imagine it's your child, wouldn't you worry too. I don't know why I was chosen to have a child that has challenges most of his peers don't have and most days I do feel blessed to have him but some days I wish we could just carry on the back and forth play and "conversations" about what we see. I know when we do hit those milestones I will be incredibly happy but right now it's tough.

I know everyone has their ups and downs and I'm in the downs right now but at least I know there isn't anywhere to go but up.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Borrowed from a friend

I have this wonderful friend, we have never met in person but she is just amazing. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what I'm thinking as she always has the right things to say to me. This morning is Lex's last speech therapy through the hospital and to be honest I'm a little worried about switching to the birth to three since we have to wait a week for that transition to start but then I found this on my friend's blog this morning and after bringing me to tears I realized I am making the right choice for my son.

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew.

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia.

"Rudledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint...give her Gerard, He's used to profanity."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it.

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child who is less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word." She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance, cruelty, prejudice... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

By Erma Bombeck