Monday, November 24, 2008

Airing it out

This is a vent yet again about my craptastical luck when it comes to trying to get pregnant so if you don't want to read it I understand go ahead and skip over. If you are one of my beautiful pregnant friends please do not take any offense as I could not be any happier that you are being blessed with a child (be it your first or your fourth).

PCOS sucks monkey balls! I am on cycle day 49, my chart claims to be 11dpo and I just ~know~ tomorrow will be yet another negative test. Everywhere I look there are pregnant women, in my family in my friendships and most definitely at work (the downfall of working for a family practice doctor and knowing I'll be covering another maternity leave starting in January). I'm pissed off that my cycles are 2-4 times longer than a "normal" woman's, I'm pissed off that I don't seem to ovulate without much assistance. I'm pissed off that I have next to no libido and never feel attractive because of the damn extra weight and hair that PCOS has packed on my body. I'm pissed off that I can't let myself have the optimism that Lex will be a big brother in the near future, simply because I know how long it took get pregnant, stay pregnant and have my son. All I've ever wanted was to be the mother of 3 children, a mother like my mom was. I've comprimised with Nate that we'll have just 2 and I can only hope I'll be as good as my mom was. I'm frustrated that I can't feel happy for my friends that are pregnant without feeling that pang of jealousy and thinking "how come it was so easy for them? Why can't I get pregnant that fast?" I'm tired of crying myself to sleep over something that should not consume my life so much. And even though I'm not alone I feel that way so much right now. Bear with me my friends, one day I'll either give up or get pregnant and won't be such an annoying whiner...

Saturday, November 15, 2008

So torn

I found out earlier this week that my eldest niece is currently expecting her first child and while I am happy and excited for her and her fiance, I'm also upset. Anyone who has dealt with infertility knows what I'm talking about, you can be so happy for the person expecting the blessing but you still have the thought "why not me?" and you have a hard time with that mixed emotion. I also worry about her, she just started college, she has a wedding to plan and there are some other concerns I'd rather not write about. Going to college and being pregnant was incredibly difficult and I had a one year program, I don't know how long her program is. I hear she has really bad morning sickness and although mine was bad I had been lucky in that my teachers understood, Nate spoiled me rotten and I had prescriptions for anti-nausea pills. I wish I could be down there for her, maybe that would be more therapeutic for me being there for her and my future great-niece/nephew (I for the record think she's having a girl...)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Operation get pregnant

Since Nate is on board to get preggers and I already know I'm pretty much back on the annovulatory bandwagon (my friends on facebook should check out the infertility cause I started) I'm scheming ways to hopefully get me pregnant before Lex's second birthday.

The first is the herbal route. I bought this tea called Fertilitea which contains vitex, red raspberry leaf, green tea, ladies mantle and nettle leaf. I'm also taking evening primrose oil in addition to my multivitamin (I can't swallow the prenatal vitamins without gagging so I take two chewable centrum) and calcium. I drink the tea 2-3 times a day and take 3 epo capsules.

The second is exercise. The only way to control PCOS aside from medication is diet and exercise. So I've made the decision that I really need to start exercising regularly. Right now the plan is to put Lex to bed at night and bust out the work out tapes on nights Nate works. On nights he's home I'll either attempt to make it up to the gym at the hospital or at the very least do yoga in the mornings.

The third plan is changing my diet. I am addicted to candy and sugar. I literally crave it all day every day so I need to limit the amount I intake. Not to mention the carbs I love so much (as I type this I'm chowing down on graham crackers). I need to become good friends with protein.

The fourth is getting some assistance from my doctor. I will ask her when I see her in a couple weeks about checking my hemoglobin a1c, random glucose, follicle stimulating hormone, lutenizing hormone, testosterone, and progesterone. Then if we can rationalize starting some sort of medication for my PCOS (thinking like metformin ... although I would prefer actos) we can get that started. Or heck she may refer me to an endocrinologist to see what he can recommend.

All in all I hope it doesn't take until Lex's 5th birthday to concieve another child.

One word.

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Red
4. Your mother? Gorgeous
5. Your father? Amazing
6. Your favorite thing? Sleep
7. Your dream last night? Dunno
8. Your dream/goal? Medicine
9. The room you’re in? Front
10. Your hobby? Playing
11. Your fear? Bees
12. Where do you want to be in six years? School
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you’re not? Strong
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? Superior
17. The last thing you did? Nap
18. What are you wearing? PJs
19. Your T.V.? Playmates
20. Your pet? Cats
21. Your computer? Small
22. Your mood? Ok
23. Missing someone? No
24. Your car? Neon
25. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
26. Favorite store? Walmart
27. Your Summer? Short
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Morning
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

My seven...
1. Katie
2. Nancy
3. Sarah
5. Kailah
6. Jessi
7. Nicole