I am copying most of this right out of my personal journal so don't be surprised if it makes very little sense or has very little flow.
The grieving process is usually 5 steps (denial, anger, barganing, depression and acceptance) but I feel like I've mastered 3 of the steps recently and not in the correct order. (I've also read/heard that most parents of a child that has special/different needs go through this process over and over.)
I have been going through denial, anger and acceptance most recently. I originally accepted Lex's autism diagnosis because I knew it fit just as much as sensory processing disorder does (70% of kids with spd are also diagnosed with autism).
Then I went down the road of denail. I believed he wasn't really any different from the kids in his 2 year old class. Sure, he didn't talk and he has some negative social interactions but he didn't seem like he was all that different.
Friday morning opened my eyes. When I dropped Lex off in his classroom at daycare the other kids didn't want to play with him and he ended up sitting by himself with some blocks. Picking him up was more of the same. The other kids were running and playing together and Lex was hanging out in a corner by himself. Then came the report from his teacher that he was being aggressive again, pulling hair, pinching, hitting and biting for really no good reason.
I'm angry that the teachers don't encourage the other kids to play with Lex. I'm mad that Lex is being so difficult at daycare. But I'm most angry that I don't know what to do for him.
I guess I'm grieving the child I had expected Lex to be. Don't get me wrong I know he'll be able to do many things but most of life is social and he will have a very hard time with that. When I dreamt about Lex when I was pregnant I never dreamt about endless therapy or a child that is an outsider among his peers. And while I know I should be happy that he is happy and healthy, I fear what is going to happen to him in this world that isn't so understanding.