Saturday, July 5, 2008

Why do I have to dream?

Seriously what is the point in my dreaming at night? Last night and when I napped this morning I had very vivid dreams that involved being pregnant, delivering a beautiful baby girl, and a bfp. These are all things I want very very very much and with the way my body has been with pcos these are things that are out of reach. It doesn't help that Nate doesn't want to try right now at least until we get a house and I understand that but I can't help what my heart wants. I woke up in tears this afternoon because I could still smell that beautiful baby smell. Don't get me wrong I love that smell on Lex but it was a little girl, I could see her namebands from the hospital and everything. There is no promise that when I do finally become pregnant again that I'll have a little girl but it was just so heartbreaking to wake up and realize it wasn't real.

I should focus on my weight loss until I can start ttc'ing again but I just can't. Ugh I'm so damn frustrating to myself.

In other news I sunburnt the crap outta myself yesterday while I was at the 4th parade. I put on two coatings of spf 50 and my chest still blistered, it sucks monkey balls. At least Lex didn't burn and except when he got a little fussy towards the end he seemed to enjoy himself. He slept like a rock when we go to my mom's for her bbq and then woke up cheerful and more than happy to play with his grandparents and Aunt Carlie (who is technically not his aunt until she marries my brother but I love her to death so she'll always be Aunt Carlie). If anyone knows any good sunburn remedies (other than aloe because I always break out in hives with aloe) I'm all ears (which amazingly didn't get burnt lol).

Nate is having his procedures (colonoscopy, upper endoscopy and liver biopsy) on Tuesday so if you're the praying type we'd appreciate it. He's really nervous about the results I'm more nervous about the actual day because he never does well with sedation, he's impossible to wake up, where I'm trying to help the post-op nurses right away when I wake up. I usually have to drag him up the stairs to our apartment and last time my brother was around and that was great because Matt is so much stronger than I am but now Nate is quite a bit heavier and I have to get him up the stairs on my own since his mom will be with Lex.

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