Missing

As you may or may not know I have two little brothers, K and M, that I've been very close to my entire life (there is only a 3 year 5 month difference between me and M with K in the middle). They are both members of the military, K in the National Guard and M in the Air Force. This is the first Christmas that neither of my brothers were able to come home for. See K is currently serving a tour in Afghanistan and M is stationed in Missouri. M has missed the last few Christmases because he doesn't get leave this time of year but K has been home so this year without both of them is really hitting me pretty hard. I'm blessed to have my son, husband and parents near by but it feels odd without them here causing trouble at the Christmas celebrations. What I wouldn't give to have them home...

And then...

Come Monday morning my lifelong best friend will be moving to North Carolina with her husband. My cousin has been my best friend for as long as I can remember even when she was living with her dad across the country. People use to think she was our little sister because she was always with me and my brothers and I guess I always felt like she was my sister so to be losing the local connection with her is hard for me too. I know this won't be an easy move for her and her hubby so I hope for nothing but the best for them and that all their dreams come true.

I really shouldn't be so down this holiday season since I'm blessed to have a loving family, great friends and so much to be happy about but just thinking about my brothers and cousin makes me a little bummed.

Leaps and bounds

It's now been almost 2 weeks since Lex's tubes were placed and his vocabulary and babbling has grown. I never tired of hearing him "talk" even if it doesn't make any sense. He floored Nate the other day. Nate asked Lex where I was while they were waiting for me to pick them up at the daycare and Lex turned, pointed out the window and said "out there". He has also spontaneously said car in the past few days.

Tonight was our last night at Interact through one of the local colleges and they said they were surprised by how much babble is coming out of Lex now and that you can tell the tubes helped a lot.

Our next step is to get that hearing test done in early January and go from there, but now I have very little doubt that my son can hear.

They're in

Lex got his tubes in without complication this morning. He was very mad at me for not giving him anything to eat or drink but when he did get to eat and got some juice he was very happy. He honestly doesn't seem like he had surgery today, other than us pissing him off to put the ear drops in he's his normal self. He and I are still staying home tomorrow just in case tonight is rough but overall the day has gone well.

I was amazed at how fast everything went. His surgery nurse came and got him, Lex waved bye and me and my mother in law went down to wait in the family waiting room. I watched one "article" on the Dr's and the surgeon appeared. He said Lex did great, there was more fluid behind his right eardrum than his left but he had high hopes that when the inflammation goes down Lex will be able to hear. We have a follow up appointment in one month to test his hearing and see the ENT and hopefully they'll clear us with the exception of checking on his tubes down the road.

Nervous

Today we took Lex to have a follow up hearing test since the last time Nate brought him he had fluid behind his ear drums. Today they tested to see if there was fluid and it didn't appear that there was, however, his hearing was still not up to par. So tomorrow I get to bring him in to see an ENT (ear, nose and throat) doctor. The main reason was to have someone who really knows what they are looking at when it comes to Lex's ears and throat (he has a slightly runny nose right now so there won't be much peeking up there) and to make sure there really is no fluid back there. If she doesn't think there is fluid the next step is a sedated hearing test to see what the nerves are doing. This makes me nervous but so does him still having fluid back there. I have lots of scar tissue in my right ear due to the amount of fluid that builds up there because of my allergies, not to mention the number of ear infections I've had. If he has fluid still the typical next step is another round of antibiotics and then an ear check and possibly doing that again. Or it could mean tubes. I'm not comfortable with my two year old being sedated, it's perfectly fine for me, I've had several surgeries and know what to expect from recovery to healing. I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself and worry as it won't do me any good but my brain is in overdrive due to my insomnia. Hopefully when I see my doc tomorrow I'll have a little help with that.

**Update**
Lex is scheduled to have tubes placed on Monday in hopes that by draining the fluid he'll hear better. We'll have a follow up hearing test in one month when we see his ENT again. If his hearing isn't improved he'll have a sedated hearing test. At least now we have a plan.

Thanksgiving and other ramblings

Thanksgiving has come and gone leaving in it's wake some hurt feelings and sadness. This is the last thanksgiving one of my grandmothers will be living in the house she shared with her husband of many years. It was an odd feeling being at her house without Ray being there and while it's sad that she has to move out of her home because that odd feeling follows her around every day that she lives there I'm happy for her. She is moving to a smaller apartment near my house and near my aunt and uncle, it is literally within walking distance for me and Lex.

The hurt feelings came from my other grandmother. She decided to host dinner for my mom's side of the family this year, in her small apartment. This meant containing my rambunctious son in one room filled with fragile items. Needless to say he had several melt downs and his mommy had a couple herself. I ended up not eating dinner because I was so frustrated my stomach was in knots and then my grandmother's off handed comment about Lex's squeals (at that moment they were squeals of joy because he was playing with my dad) and not knowing how I could handle them. My mom came to my defense saying that I do it just how she did it with her kids and my mom and aunt did with her kids, of course grandma couldn't take that as an answer, she had to say that my mom and aunt never screamed like that. It frustrated me to tears. She doesn't get that he has certain problems her girls never had.

Speaking of Lex's problems he is in occupational therapy again, one hour a week. The therapist told Nate she's going to teach us techniques to help him meet his sensory needs. We are going to learn brushing and joint compression as well as how to help him separate himself to regather and come back when he's overwhelmed. We bought him a tent to do that at home but it's so large we can't take it with us everywhere. I can't wait to learn these techniques and teach his teachers at daycare so we can help him to the best of our abilities. I want to get him involved in the Scottish Rite Center but we have limitations in time with Nate being in school and me needing to bring home the bacon. We'll just have to see what the future brings.

"The elephant in the playroom"

Friday we made our almost monthly trip to Barnes and Noble to satisfy my need for new reading material on Sensory Processing Disorder and any other disorder that Lex could fit into, to try to give me new insight on what I can do to help my darling boy. While looking through the shelf where they have books on "Special Needs Children" (yes that is what the shelf was labeled... ugh) I stumbled upon the book titled above. It's a compilation of essays done by parents of children with developmental disorders ranging from sensory processing disorder, to ADHD, to Autism, to other physical and learning disabilities. I am only to the second chapter but it makes me feel like I'm not alone with a "difficult" child. (I knew before I'm not, but some days are harder than others to remember that).
The second chapter is about taking care of yourself in order to take care of your child. This, I have to say, is where I find myself faltering most days. I can give and give and give until I'm blue in the face but when it comes down to taking care of me I just can't take the time. I can't take the time away from Lex to exercise or to eat right. I feel awful when I have to take time away from him to do laundry or dishes, but in reality these things are for him too. I just have to work on this with Nate, doing a tag team with him so that I have time to be Cate instead of Mommy all the time.
This past Thursday we took Lex up to the largest college in the area to join a program with other children that are non-verbal. It's a combination program, they work with him and they work with us. After dinner they separate parents from children and we parents have a class on the topic of the week. Last week's topic was about other forms of communicating and how to follow our children and encourage them to communicate more. Then we break off with the student that is supposed to work with our child and they take them into a room with a one way window and we watch them play with him and then we switch to show what we've learned. It's kind of odd playing with Lex with someone watching and taping it but we managed.
Initially when I was getting information about this program I was worried that Lex was going to be the youngest by far but there is another little boy who just turned two there. Lex once again showed that he is the ring leader, after dinner he took off to play (he's not shy by any means) and figured out he could reach the light switch so he turned it off, and then it went off 3 other times, he had showed the other kids how to do it. He also decided that night he wasn't terribly interested in playing with the student that was working with him (she was a fill in for our regular one since our's had no voice), he decided that once she followed him to all the toys in the room he was going to tune her out the best way he knows possible, by spinning. I've found recently he will close himself off by spinning because then I don't really know if he's paying attention to me, it suits his purpose. I also think it's calming for him because it puts him in control. The only other thing that he finds calming is running a tag between his fingers, his daycare teachers give him a pair of shorts he has there when he's really frustrated and it calms him down, here he has a couple of blankets that he grabs and rubs that tag.
While I'm sitting here writing all I can think is how much easier this would all be for me if I knew a diagnosis. Working in the medical field with hopes of going to med school in the future I know a diagnosis generally leads to a treatment that is most appropriate for that diagnosis. While I know speech therapy is an appropriate treatment for a speech delay but I think we are past that possible diagnosis at this point. He was in occupational therapy for sensory processing disorder when we were going through the hospital and I feel that he should still be in occupational therapy (something I will be changing at the next IEP meeting as he qualifies for those services). While I feel some days like sensory processing is the answer there are certain things he does that makes me question if there's not something more going on there. A diagnosis would have my grandmother stop telling me there is nothing wrong with him that a change in my parenting wouldn't fix. But no matter what my little man is still amazing to me.

Good days and bad days

We've been having some good days here lately. Lex had his second birthday party and he loved it. We had several little boys running around our little apartment and playing together, it was so cute. We also had a conference with Lex's daycare teachers and it went wonderfully. His teachers told us how fun he is to have in class and how much they enjoy having David, Lex's speech therapist, come in to work with Lex, them and the other kids in his class. They have worked it out with the director of the center so that until Lex has caught up to other kids his age he'll stay in the 18-23 months class. His teachers also told me they are writing down every word they hear him say to share with us and David, last week he said "nice" which made me very excited, this was in addition to the word "down". He's been trying to say go, which comes out gah but I know what he's saying.

We had a drive by here the day before Lex's birthday party, luckily none of us were home and the guy who shot at my neighbor has since been arrested. But since then I haven't felt safe in my home and I am looking for a place for us to move. There is one place I'm interested in moving us to but the bad news with that place would require us to find homes for two of our three cats. I know Lex's safety comes first but I love my kitties so it's tough.

Two years

This time two years ago I was getting my first dose of pitocin in hopes it would speed up the arrival of Lex. The last two years have had their trying times (reflux, middle of the night feedings, his refusal to latch) and amazing times (watching my son grow, his first steps across the apartment, everyday he smiles at me). I wouldn't change a thing about these last two years. I admit sometimes I'm envious of mom's who have kiddos that talk but you know what, he'll get there and I'll look back at these days and wonder what my hurry was. Tomorrow morning when I kiss him before I head to work I'll have a two year old, how'd that happen?

It's the little things

Tonight Lex amazed me. If you spend any time with my boy you find out that he's pretty independent but tonight we had a step in the other direction. There was a jim.my john.s cookie sitting on our kitchen table from last night, since he didn't want it then, and he grabbed it and rather than banging it on the floor or table to try to get it open himself he walked over to me and handed it to me and signed "more". While this isn't the sign we are trying to teach him for "help" it's still a sign that he's asking for something. I was almost in tears when he did this because he never asks for anything except more food or more movies. I feel like speech therapy is finally paying off.

Blessed

• Cold baby feet snuggling into my side.
• An excuse to watch Horton Hears A Who a dozen times a week.
• The best wild giggles at random times of the day.
• Hugs and slobbery kisses, raspberries and tickles.
• A shopping pal that rarely complains.
• A reason to play with every noise making toy in a store.
• Running down the street chasing a little boy headed for a park.
  
• A million reasons a day to take pictures.
• The cutest 7:30am alarm clock money can't buy.
• A husband who goes out of his way to spoil me.
• A family that would move mountains for me.
• Two amazing brothers that while they don't live close are still my closest friends.
• A beautiful cousin who has been my best friend for years.
• Friends by the handful with supportive words, thoughts and love.
  

Stress

Stress does a lot of bad things to me, always has. When I was in college I would get chest pain on days that were particularly stressful. When I would float out to clinics I wasn't familiar with I would have panic attacks. I've always had problems with my muscles tightening up while under stress and lately that's been my big problem (that and stress eating). As much as I want to lose weight I can't because it hurts to exercise when my back and shoulder muscles are in giant knots and then you add on my massive craving for chocolate when I'm stressed and I've hit a plateau, which of course stresses me out further.

Now you may be asking, "What's stressing you out Cate?" And it's a combination of things, work has been particularly stressful since I'm working all sorts of hours with many different doctors, doing flu shots and just trying to help out where I can.
My home life isn't easy right now. Nate will be losing his job October 30th, he's in school full time and with my goofy hours at work Lex is in daycare more than I like. So money is about to get tighter and expenses aren't getting any lighter.
Then there is Lex's therapy. While Nate and his therapist David feel good about it I worry. Maybe it's just because I'm so over protective of my little boy I worry about how every session is going to be, I worry that we aren't doing enough for him and in the end I worry that he'll never catch up to his peers. I can hear the sympathetic thoughts now, that I shouldn't worry and he has plenty of time but imagine it's your child, wouldn't you worry too. I don't know why I was chosen to have a child that has challenges most of his peers don't have and most days I do feel blessed to have him but some days I wish we could just carry on the back and forth play and "conversations" about what we see. I know when we do hit those milestones I will be incredibly happy but right now it's tough.

I know everyone has their ups and downs and I'm in the downs right now but at least I know there isn't anywhere to go but up.

Borrowed from a friend

I have this wonderful friend, we have never met in person but she is just amazing. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what I'm thinking as she always has the right things to say to me. This morning is Lex's last speech therapy through the hospital and to be honest I'm a little worried about switching to the birth to three since we have to wait a week for that transition to start but then I found this on my friend's blog this morning and after bringing me to tears I realized I am making the right choice for my son.

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew.

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia.

"Rudledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint...give her Gerard, He's used to profanity."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it.

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child who is less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word." She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance, cruelty, prejudice... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

By Erma Bombeck

Changes

Our life has been full of changes lately.

Nate's employer was bought out and we were told in order for him to keep his job we'd have to move 4 hours south. After much thought and a small argument we decided staying here was in our best interest.

I'm losing weight like crazy due to the help bye.tta gives me and the fact that I am trying really hard to work out daily. I even got the EA Sports act.ive today in hopes that will motivate me more. Overall I'm down 17 pounds since April by my scale, I'll see what the one at the dr office says on the 31st.

My favorite doctor in the whole world left the family practice I go to. I hope she has much success in her future endeavors. Dr S is absolutely wonderful, she was the resident when my induction with Lex was started and because of that wonderful experience of her sitting and watching Scrubs with us she was my family practice doc after my last one graduated. I see a new one on the 31st that I've heard good things about.

Lex is now going to be getting his speech therapy through the birth to 3 program. My little man is approximately 9 months behind on his vocal speech and a little less than that on other skills. I have high hopes for this change because they asked us what we wanted him to accomplish in 6 months and then how often we thought he should have therapy. His therapist will see him twice a week, once with us and once at daycare. They also gave us several ideas for us to work on things at home.

According to his OT evaluation at St Luke's he has a sensory processing disorder but the OT for birth to 3 thought it was more behavioral. While I can see her point I also look at the scores of the test she had me fill out and he is borderline for "performance at risk" on most of the sensory processing skills and actually at risk for his auditory processing. We'll see what time and hard work will do for him.

My baby is no longer a baby, he is definitely turning into a little kid. We have been venturing to a bigger park near our house and he likes to sit on the "big kid" swings and go down slides without me (good thing too I get sea sick going down the twisty slides). I'm really proud of my little guy and every day is a new adventure with him.

Waiting...

Last week we had an intake meeting with the birth to 3 program and now we are waiting for Lex to have his evaluations with the early childhood educator, speech-language pathologist and occupational therapist. I hate waiting when it comes to Lex and his already non-verbal nature. I know in the mean time he's in speech at St. Luke's but still. I think being at home would help him learn faster because he's just too interested in everything in Jack's office. All I know is that I'm thankful for some of the friend's I have who are being so supportive and helpful with all my fears.

Worry wart

I'm so worried about Lex's language skills even though we have him in speech therapy. I realized today I haven't heard him say hi or bye in a while (something he used to do anytime anyone waved to him) and he's only said Mama once in the past few weeks, when he fell down and skinned his elbow. He still babbles all the time and we "force" eye contact when we hand him things in that he has to look us in the eyes before he gets what he wants. I just don't know what to do to help him. I bought some cards with pictures and words on it to hopefully help in our understanding him and I try to get him to use his signs or words but it doesn't always work.

Who knew this Mommy thing would make me such a worry wart and slightly neurotic???

Why I love bye.tta... and other ramblings.

I've been on by.etta for 4 days and I've dropped a little more than 3 pounds with very little effort. I was told by the diabetic educator that on average her patients lose about 10-15 pounds in the first month of being on it. Then you add that I'm finally adjusting to synth.roid and I'm feeling pretty good. I need to get back on the wagon as far as exercise goes but that would require me actually getting up earlier than Lex most mornings.

Speaking of Lex my son it a nutcase. He went from sleeping until 8 most mornings to getting up no later than 6 and refusing to go to bed at his normal time. All I can figure is the sunlight is affecting his sleeping patterns because we have been outside more than normal due to nice weather (they have been at daycare too). He's also been a little harder for Nate to deal with, he tends to act out when his daddy is around. A prime example is what's going on right now, he runs up and shuts off the tv and cable box, Nate tells him no, removes him and turns them back on, and repeat. They missed speech therapy the other day because after I left for work Lex had a meltdown and they didn't make it out to the bus in time.

Tomorrow is my 6th wedding anniversary. Nate and I have our ups and downs but we have lasted this long so we can make it longer. I love my hubby, faults and all.

Some answers finally

I got a call back from Dr. Sprengler regarding my T3 and T4 levels and they were normal. This kind of threw her for a loop so she told me she was going to talk to the endocrinologist to find out what he would recommend. Today I was prescribed synth.roid and I'll check in with her in a couple of weeks to let her know how I'm doing. I hope this helps. Now I just need to keep up on the exercise since I've taken a couple days off to let my shoulder heal a bit. I haven't been eating as well but tomorrow I'm going grocery shopping so I'll have some more fresh fruit to snack on.

I'd like to make a request. If you are the praying type could you keep my brother and uncle in your prayers? They are both named Karl, my brother is heading to Afghanistan next month as a medic and my uncle is in Iraq as a communications specialist. I know they are doing their jobs for the country but I do worry. My brother worries me the most since as a medic he has to go off the base all the time whereas my uncle kind of stays put. My Aunt Jen (Uncle Karl's beautiful wife) has been so supportive even though she's the one that needs supporting. My parents are very worried about my brother and are regretting ever telling him that the Army would be good for him. Thanks in advance.

Let's play a game.

The name of the game is "What's wrong with Cate?"

Today I woke up like normal and started getting ready for work. While I was blow drying my hair I felt my muscle in my left shoulder lock up and then my hand got numb. This meant no work for me today. I went in and saw Dr. S in the sam practice as my favorite Dr. Sprengler and he gave me two injections of lidocaine to hopefully loosen up the muscle. It helped take of the edge for a little while but I am still pretty sore and took a muscle relaxer and pain killer to hopefully help a bit more.

I also asked about the results of the bloodwork I had drawn on the 6th since I'm impatient and hadn't gotten my letter yet. My hemoglobin A1c was great at 5.0 (this is how my blood sugar control has been for the last 3 months), my fasting glucose was 85 (again perfect), my lipids (cholesterol panel) were okay; I need to lower my triglycerides but no surprise there, the big surprise was my thyroid, I'm hypothyroid again, it was a massive swing from October when it was checked last. In October my result was 1.03 which is very normal, this last one was 5.83 (normal range goes to 4.0). So Dr. S said he'd tell Dr Sprengler he notified me of the results and ordered up the T4 and free thyroid to see what was going on with my thyroid this time. But in his feeling he thought I was just going to hypothyroid and eventually need medication. I should have guessed something was up since I've been exhausted lately but I chalked it up to lack of exercise, less than stellar diet and working more. I have a feeling synthroid is in my future.

Nate has been wonderful since school has gotten out for the summer. He takes Lex to speech therapy (and soon occupational therapy) and he's been helping with housework, making it so much easier for me to come home from work and play with Lex. He's taking tonight off to help me with Lex since I can barely carry my purse so I doubt that I could put him in the crib at night. I know sometimes I get down on him but he's a wonderful guy and I'm lucky to have him.

Congrats

I want to congratulate my friends Sarah and Angel on their good news. You two are both so deserving and I'm sending lots of sticky vibes.

Mommy guilt

After Lex's speech therapy today I'm experiencing a lot of guilt. Jack, his therapist, mentioned that he didn't think Lex was making as much progress as he was before. He also asked if we have an order for occupational therapy, we don't, because he thinks that a little occupational therapy would help with the speech. He wants us to continue trying to get Lex to do back and forth play and to sign "more" when he wants more of something, especially since Lex is looking for eye contact more. But with all this I'm feeling immense amounts of guilt. I feel guilty that we brought him to see a resident versus a pediatrician right off the bat. I feel guilty that we put him in front of the tv so much so we can get things done (cooking, cleaning and sleep for Nate). I feel guilty that I put him in the old daycare where he didn't have much interaction with the daycare owner since the tv was on all the time. I feel guilty that I agreed to pick up hours so that for the next month and a half I'll be working full time, cutting down the amount of time I can spend working on his speech and other "assignments" from therapy. I know this isn't all my fault and he'll never hold it against me but I still feel this way.

Making progress

Lex has gone to speech therapy 3 times so far and he's already making progress. His therapist Jack has noticed that with very little prompting now Lex will look us in the eyes to get what he wants. We are working on trying to teach him the sign for more and to do more back and forth play per recommendations of the therapist. I hope this means we are getting closer to words but I just don't know. Jack also said we'll be having Lex see Sheila who does the occupational therapy.

Little man went to see his pediatrician this week and she confirmed the he probably does have seasonal allergies so she advised we give him Zyrtec at least once daily so his eyes don't swell closed. I knew he was like me, most of my allergy symptoms are in my eyes.

Talk to me baby

Today was Lex's evaluation at speech therapy. I went in half expecting to be told to be patient that boys are just slow to start really talking and lo and behold my concerns were found to be valid. After just a few minutes of talking to me and watching Lex play in her office the evaluator said he's a sensory kid, which is why he likes to make loud noises and bang on things. She recommended speech therapy and possibly a little occupational therapy for him. She also gave him a couple websites that I have to go to to look up information on language development and apraxia. While Lex is too young to have the diagnosis of apraxia she wanted me to know what to look for as signs. She is also asking our dr's office to run a tympanogram (test to see how well his ear drums work) and to check his tonsills really well. After some discussion with Nate we have decided to take him to the speech therapist at St Luke's and I'm contemplating calling the birth to 3 program to do a double handed approach to his therapy. She recommended teaching him sign language too as a way for him to communicate his needs a little better.

While I feel a little better about the fact he doesn't talk and that we are headed in the right direction I feel like crap that no one listened to my concerns earlier...

Woohoo!

All it took was a little bitching on my behalf and then logging my food into fitday to realize where I was making my mistakes. I was eating waaaay to many calories. Ideally I should be averaging about 1500 so that I have energy to exercise and not send my body into starvation mode and I was getting way more than that. But since I realized that on Saturday night I've been better at watching what I eat and have made it down to 190. Just have to lose one pound before the 9th to make my goal of being below 190 for Jenna's shower, but hopefully I lose at least 2 before then. I'm very proud of myself though, I've worked out every day since my dietician appt last Monday and I can see a small change in my thighs already (I do a lot of yoga and things like squats and lunges during my workout).

Lex has been so cute the past couple days all snuggly and happy with me. Just now he was resting his head on my knee so he could watch one of his two favorite movies (he LOVES the Ice Age movies, we'll be taking him to the new one in July, I'm sure he'll do wonderfully since he is just enamored with these movies).

On the job front my new manager, Jordan, called on Saturday to see if I could cover an urgent care (I couldn't, I just got Lex back from my in-laws and didn't really want to work) and he notified me that he told HR to offer me the position that I wanted. So now I have a home clinic! No more float work! I'm so excited and I've gotten many congrats from the people I work with, they are happy I'm sticking around and so am I.

So frustrating!

Ok I know I'm sorta pushing it but cripes you'd think I would have dropped some weight this week. I saw the dietician on Monday and she has me doing food and activity logs with some goals in mind (my current goals for the next 3 weeks are smaller portion sizes, doing the logs, chocolate limited to 2-3 times/week and at least 30 minutes of activity 5 times a week) and I would say I've been doing pretty well to meet my goals but cripes I've only lost maybe a pound for my efforts. I weigh in on my wii fit daily so I can do my body test and while the number isn't as good as it was on Monday (when I hadn't been eating all last week due to a stomach bug) I just can't seem to break the 192 mark and since my goal is to be below 190 for my neice's shower on the 9th it's pretty important to me to get below 192 in the first place. Deep down I know I need to be patient but it's frustrating me to no end, especially knowing I really work hard when I'm exercising and I'm drinking so much water as not to confuse thirst for hunger. Hopefully I can reach my goal of a 50 pound loss by the end of the year so we can start trying for baby number 2 again. (I really need to lose 60-72 pounds overall but it takes me so long to get preggers I figure I can work on losing that last 10-22 while we try.)

In other news I applied to be in a permanent clinical assistant position that I'm currently filling as a float and the doc all but told me she wanted me to stay. I'm hoping to get a call in the next couple days from the manager to say it's official but seeing as he left yesterday before the interview and we aren't in clinic today I probably won't get the thumbs up until next week sometime (hopefully in time for my birthday).

Where has time gone?

Yesterday was Lex's 18 month well child. Honestly when did he start to grow up? I suppose the walking and ignoring most of what I say should have been a hint... The appointment was pretty run of the mill, go over all the same crap they went over 3 months ago, examine him and ask my concerns. I mentioned how I'm a little worried about his lack of speech and how I think he has allergies. Nothing really came of the allergies concern, at least nothing I don't do already. We are getting a referral to speech therapy though. She agreed that he was short of words they'd expect for a kid his age. She did recommend in the meantime to cut down on his use of sippy cups at home and use regular cups. This scares the crap out of me, she doesn't see the mess he makes with the "no spill" sippy cups, but if it'll help him learn to speak I'll give it a shot.

Sad...

My computer died yesterday after Nate went through all the effort to try to restore it (and inadvertently delete all my pictures of Lex... I think he's jealous of my gorgeous boy lol). So until further notice I'll be sharing a computer with Nate which means I'll get very little time to log on.

After Lex kicked me in the face last week I developed a very nasty headache that has yet to go away. I was told initially that I just had a migraine but when it didn't go away I went and saw another doc at our clinic and he thinks that it's a muscle tension headache that started at the injury site since I was already swollen and sore there (although it was manageable until the kick). I'm on stronger pain meds and they help, until they wear off and then I'm miserable again but what can you do?

Lex had picture day today at daycare and when we get the pictures back I'll have Nate scan em so I can show everyone. We have conferences there next week and his well child is on the 24th so hopefully I can address any of their concerns with the doc as well.

Time to take more meds so off to La-La land for me...

Our less than wonderful day

Today was not the best day for me and Lex, Lex especially.

First thing Lex climbed in my lap on the couch to hang his feet over the edge and while I had my head turned (playing on Facebook) he fell flat on the floor, I don't know what happened he just fell. Next, Lex was playing and the kitten tripped him and he fell flat on his face. Then he was intently looking at a block he was playing with and walked into the door frame for our hall. Finally, he was playing with his wagon and pinched his thumb under the side rail. Out of all that he only ended up with a small cut on his top lip and one just below his lower lip. (Thankfully because next week at daycare is picture day and goodness knows I would like some nice pictures.)

Then at naptime he was fighting me to put him down to sleep and swung his leg and caught my nose. I was in immediate pain and tears. Thankfully I only had a little pink discharge and the pain. I still called in and since my dr was out the other doc told me to just take my pain meds (I ran out after the kitten "snuggled" my nose.) and ice it as needed. I still have a bit of a headache but overall I'm feeling better.

Lex is back in his toddler bed and overall doing well. He doesn't like to go to bed while it's still light out and so bedtime is moving back a little bit to accomodate this. Right now he's busy playing with the blocks he got for his birthday, he has become very interested in stacking and "building" with his blocks lately. He has also said a couple new words so right now his list is, Mama, Dada, Nana, hot, kah (cat), yay and ooo. I still worry about his lack of speech so when we see the doc for his 18 month check up I'm going to bring it up again. I'm also going to ask her about allergies. I think he has his mama's allergies. He has a really hard time breathing through his nose and more often than not just breathes through his mouth. I feel like I'm always wiping clear snot from his lip. I don't know what she'll tell me to do but I don't want to keep giving him benadryl because it makes him sooooo sleepy. My main concern if he has allergies is that it could be affecting his hearing, I have problems with my allergies and the first thing affected is my ears.

All done

My septoplasty and turbinate out fracture went well. My mother in law said I was in and out of surgery realitively quickly and in recovery for as long as I was in surgery. The packing was awful, gave me a headache and hurt like hell to pull out (good thing I had Nate around to pull it out for me because I wouldn't have been able to do it myself). I'm still sore and since Lex accidentally smacked me it's hurt a little more but I'm trying to hold off on pain meds as long as I can in case we have another bumping accident. The only odd thing is the roof of my mouth right behind my front teeth is numb, which feels really wierd when I bump my tongue ring against it. I am glad it's over and I hope I'll be able to breathe through my nose soon.

I'm watching ER and I can't believe it's the end of an era. I've been watching for years and there have been few episodes that didn't make me cry at some point so I will miss my Thursday night date.

I should log off while I'm still a functioning person (i.e. before my lortabs kick in). But I wanted to send out a Congrats to Sarah on her new pregnancy (try not to worry honey) and to Nancy on the results of her recent test. And a big PINK hug to Shauna for the news of having a daughter baking in her belly.

Tomorrow's the day

I am excited and nervous for my surgery tomorrow. Excited because I've been told after I heal that I'll be able to breathe through both nostrils and nervous because it's another surgery and I hate the feeling general anesthesia leaves me with. The missing time feeling bugs me. I'm also a little nervous about the healing process and pain but my dr assured me that I'll be alright, especially when he found out I left early after my last two surgeries (went home same day after my gall bladder and a day early after the c-section). I also don't like having to depend on others during my healing process. My mother in law is coming up to help take care of Lex while Nate is at work and school and to drive me tomorrow since Nate is at school.

My big concern is Lex's behavior. We are working so hard to get him to behave and I'm worried that my down time will screw it up. His new favorite thing is to climb on top of tables. This concerns me because he fell off one in the living room and hurt himself and now he insists on climbing on the kitchen table and I can just imagine him falling off that and what kind of damage would result. Time out is sort of working, sometimes he comes back and is helpful and nice other times he goes right back to what he was doing that put him in time out. I think a big part of our problem is that he doesn't talk much (mama, dada, yay, kah/cat and sometimes nana) so he can't tell us what he's feeling. I know another one of our problems is that Nate and I have different views about "rules". I think it's fine for him to climb up on the kitchen chairs if he sits down or I'm around to make sure he doesn't fall off, where Nate says no climbing on the kitchen chairs. I'm also a stickler for keeping him in time out no longer than a minute and Nate doesn't really keep track and if Lex does something bad while he's in time out he extends it. We are making progress when he throws things on the floor, I pick them up and make him put them back.

Surgery scheduled

On the 31st I'm having a septoplasty and turbinate reduction. My nasal septum is pushed off to the right side and the structures that help moisturize the air entering your nose are too large. I saw the ENT and we settled on getting those fixed sooner rather than later so I can breathe again and hopefully it'll prevent any more major sinus infections. I'm kind of nervous even if this is my fifth surgery because it's the first one that isn't abdominal (D&C, exploratory laproscopy, c-section and gall bladder removal) so if something goes awry it'll be visible on my face vs being buried in my shirt and pants... oh well anything to breathe better.

My doctor is wonderful.

I saw my doc yesterday to discuss losing weight and how I should go about it. My efforts in the past have included counting calories and exercise and really it hasn't stuck. After explaining to me that PCOS is more a metabolic disorder than a fertility one and that my body loves fat (fat creates estrogen and the estrogen prevents me from ovulating and my body doesn't react the way it should to insulin and my blood sugar) she recommended I see the clinic's dietician. Since she is a mother too she understands the difficult nature of getting regular exercise and planning out healthy meals and not picking whatever Lex didn't eat off his plate because I'm working on other things at the same time. So she made a deal with me, she's going to lose 20lbs with me. I love that she's leading by example and is not just telling me to do it.

So tomorrow is my first appointment with the dietician to see what permanent changes I can do to get my weight down into the healthy range from the obese level I'm at now. I know it's not just going to be easy but I need to set time aside for me, ask Nate to help out with the house stuff more and get out with Lex for walks. The weather is still icky (we have a winter storm blowing around right now) but we can mall walk (as is the plan if the roads are clear enough to get us up to my dietician appt tomorrow). At least it's March and not October so the weather is headed in the right direction to help me move the right direction.

When I get it figured out I will put a weight loss ticker in my side bar so I'm a little more accountable to others than just me.

Yesterday Dr Sprengeler also saw Lex because I suspected he had an ear infection (he had been tugging on his ears, protecting them from the wind and the left ear had a red streak coming from the opening into his ear) and he'd had green mucus coming out of his tear ducts on both eyes. I was right he has a double ear infection, he still sounds a little wheezy and she suspects he may have a sinus infection (hence the green snot from his eyes) so he's on amoxicillin three times a day for 10 days. Thankfully he takes it pretty easily. I'm glad this is the first time he's had an ear infection, I had lots of them when I was younger than he is. But overall my boy is healthy and my doc thinks he's just adorable and honestly if his doc wasn't the same year as my doc I would just have him see her, but his doctor is pretty good too. Nate's doc is the same year as mine and Lex's docs so I think after they are done we'll move on to a St. Luke's clinic and have one family practice doc for all three of us (unless my doc joins a clinic up here that my insurance covers because I would love to stay with her).

I'm going to leave off with a couple of pictures because I promised Sarah I would post with my new haircut. It's hard to see but I have layers now versus the blunt cut I had previously.

That's my boy

My boy is such a ham, as if you couldn't tell by this expression. He is such my pride and joy I don't know what I would do without him some days. He has a bit of a cold but you couldn't tell that by this picture. I just had to share this one, he's come a long way since this one...

"It's never lupus"

Let's play a game, it's called "what the frick is wrong with Cate?" I've been having rib pain on and off for a few days that I just wrote off as a pulled muscle from carrying Lex to the bus stop in the morning on Tuesday and Wednesday, no big deal right? Then today Nate and I were shopping and I reached up to grab a pack of the color wonder paper (Lex and I are going to try the finger paints tomorrow) and all of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my chest, so sharp it took my breath away and I couldn't even say Nate's name loud enough for him to hear me. I tried to ignore it and we went about finishing our shopping and even ran to a couple more stores before it became unbearable and my left shoulder and upper back started to throb too. So it was off to urgent care where I was told I just pulled a muscle. Now I'm pretty sure that's what it is and it's responding to the pain meds so I'm not worried, just a couple days of rest and then working it back to normal.

Here's my big concern, I do this regularly, I pull muscles doing the dumbest crap, usually reaching for something, not even something heavy or bulky that normal people would pull muscles on, stupid things like paper, suture material, my purse. I've had some testing done, namely a sed rate and I know there were some other tests that were run when I was pregnant, but they didn't want to take those results at face value since I was pregnant and that can skew results anyway.

I see my wonderful doc on Monday to discuss my less than successful attempts at weight loss (this threw another wrench into the machine, can't carry the stroller down the stairs to take Lex for a walk tomorrow and definitely can't do most of the wii fit exercises) so I may ask her what she thinks about this whole situation. It's just frustrating because I wasn't even really pushing myself when I was exercising out of fear of hurting myself, I was attempting to work out every other day to give my muscles a day to recover. If she thinks I should have more bloodwork done I may ask her if she'd be willing to order some cd3 bloodwork, just so I have an idea where my hormones are at right now. While I'm alright with holding off on ttcing until I lose some weight and we are closer to Lex's birthday (not to mention paying off my parents and Nate's parents for the money they have loaned us) I just want to make sure my ovarian reserve is still good and my testosterone levels haven't gone all wonky. Who knows what's going on in there... I may just need to rent myself another body to live in. :)

We got our car back Thursday, only $1533 to get the darn thing fixed. Thankfully my parents were so kind as to lend it to us, they didn't like the idea of Lex having to ride the bus in our nasty weather (negative temperatures one week, low 50s the next) and it cuts 2-3 hours off my travel time to and from work. Although my manager there and two of my co-workers were wonderful enough to offer me rides if I needed them, I just happen to be too bull headed to accept help when I can take the bus and not put anyone out. Besides it meant I got to see my friend's gorgeous little man last week, I hadn't seen him in a while and wow he's gotten big.

I should head to bed and quit rambling...zzzZZZzzz

The best feeling

The best feeling in the world (next to the way I feel when Lex comes running up to me and gives me kisses after daycare) is how I feel after working out. Now I know the wii isn't going to give me as good of a workout as say going to the gym would but with how out of shape I am (no regular exercise in a good 3-5 years) it definitely helps. The next step is to work on my eating habits as I am totally addicted to sugar and caffeine. Food journal here I come.

I love Wii Fit!

My darling hubby got us a Wii and hunted down a wii fit for me and I love it! I've tried workout video games in the past and haven't been a fan but the wii fit is different in that it can tell how out of balance you are and it checks your weight and does fitness tests every day you use it. I had to laugh at it though because during one of the leg exercises it told me I was a "fitness enthusiast", and anyone who has seen a picture of my round body would know otherwise. I just happen to have pretty strong legs due to all the years of skating. If I could find a sitter for Wednesday nights I would probably hit up the roller derby practices and try to join that but I would want someone to go with me since I get kind of nervous in newer situations.

Our car is currently in the shop for a broken timing belt, it's been there since Friday and we were hoping to get it back today but since the shop closed a half hour ago it's obvious we aren't. So it looks like I'm taking a cab to Lex's daycare and then my work and hopefully we'll have it back by the end of the day so Nate can pick me up after work. If not we have two options, another cab ride or I can take the bus down to Lex's daycare and see if my parents can drop us off (they live 3 blocks from daycare) or do the bus and just use either a stroller or my moby wrap to carry him home if the weather isn't too cold.

I should log off and go cook dinner even if I'm not hungry the boys might be.

Nothing on the u/s

I had absolutely no follicles just my usual small cysts. This is incredibly frustrating.

After much thought and some discussion with Nate we've decided to hold off on further treatment until approximately Lex's birthday (October) in hopes that I can lose some weight and get healthy so that the process might be easier and then a subsequent pregnancy will be healthier than one would be right now. This also gives us time to set up a little savings to pay for treatment and hopefully a house.

The current plan of action involves me seeing my doctor in two weeks to discuss weight loss options. I am fully aware that I need to eat healthier and get my lard butt off the couch more but even when I do these things I have a harder time losing weight so I'm going to see what she can recommend. I've also asked Nate to buy me an ip.od (or some good mp3 player) and he plans on getting W.ii f.it with our tax re.turn.

So in the meantime I'm spreading my baby dust stores to all my friends who can use it.

Follie Check Tomorrow

Keep your fingers crossed for me! I've been using my monitor and it's still reading low so I called my dr's office and asked to have a follie check to see if anything is even growing from the femara. We are also supposed to do a post-coital test. I hope some follies are growing, I would hate to have this cycle be a wash.

Don't know what to do

I've hit the brickwall that comes when I ttc. I don't know if I want to continue or if I want to give up. I know we are only on our second cycle of medicated cycles but waking up everyday and peeing on the stick for the monitor and seeing the low reading pop up is heartbreaking. I want so much to be pregnant one more time and for Lex to have a younger sibling but deep down I keep thinking it'll never happen. It doesn't help that my sex drive has been in the crapper for years and isn't getting any better. Trying to convince myself to have sex when I don't want to sucks, Nate does it to and it makes me resent him. I hate going to work and getting upset when I see the pregnant girl I work with, it's not her fault my body doesn't work, it's not her fault that despite the fact she smokes and is highly stressed that her body works the way it's supposed to and I just need to get over it.

I guess today I'm just down in the dumps. Lex didn't sleep so well last night, I got a call chewing me out first thing this morning (I was apparently supposed to work but I don't look at my float schedule unless they send me one and I haven't gotten one in a month) and I just in general feel under the weather and the actual weather doesn't help, it's warmer (upper 30's) but it's raining so I can't even just get Lex out in the stroller.

Next Sunday is my 7 year anniversary of when Nate and I started dating, I can't believe it's been that long...

**Update**
I've come to a decision for ttcing. When I'm done with femara we'll re-evaluate how I'm feeling. I'm not temping anymore, just using my monitor. Hopefully this slightly laidback approach helps how I'm feeling.

Confident in our decision.

I am sooooo glad we switched daycares! Lex took off running when we dropped him off, the staff is super nice and we get a communication slip everyday that tells me how many diapers, how much he ate, when he took a nap and even if they played with something messy (today was cool whip and he has the sticky hair to prove it). He was napping when I picked him up and he looked so comfortable there in his little sleeping bag.

He's going for a full day tomorrow so we won't interrupt his naptime.

Some good news...

Lex starts at a new daycare tomorrow and I have the jitters about it again, I know he'll do just fine, he's a very outgoing little boy and in a room full of girls he'll be the mac daddy. :) He's only going for a half day tomorrow since that's what I work but I'm sure he'll enjoy his time there.

I had my annual physical today with my favorite doc. She ran through the usual stuff about my weight and getting more exercise but since she's a mom she said anything is better than nothing, rather than pushing the 30 minute minimum and then came the normal exam. She said she could barely see the scar from my c-section which is good I always wonder about it but with my big ole belly in the way I can't see it. She noted that my uterus felt a little large but since I just had AF a couple days ago that could be the cause. She didn't know anything about the CT scan I had so she had to find the results. Turns out I have a deviated septum, the opening to my right sinus is much smaller than it should be and I still have inflamation and a minor infection. We decided not to treat the infection further unless it becomes a problem later on. She will give me a referral down the road to get my septum repaired since I want to hold off until after we have another baby.

I was able to make it to my grandfather's funeral. Nate stayed home with Lex so I could attend, thankfully his teachers were understanding of the situation.

I should fold clothes and head to bed, gotta get up in a couple hours to pick up Nate from work.

No Good News

I tested this morning and the first test was a dud, no lines whatsoever. Second test was negative and spot was there to greet me right away. So I'm on to cycle number two. The difference this next cycle will be having the fertility monitor in order to tell me when to call my doc to do a follie check and possibly a trigger shot. I picked up my meds already so I'm just waiting for AF and my fertility monitor sticks (that were ordered two weeks ago and still haven't arrived... grrr).

My grandfather passed away on Saturday morning. This was a big shock. He went into the hospital a few days earlier and was put in ICU, he was moved to hospice Friday. Last I heard they were still unsure of why he died, could have been a massive infection or leukemia. Tomorrow is the wake and I'll be able to go to that since my aunt is watching Lex. Wednesday is the funeral and because my dcp has flaked on us yet again I won't be able to attend that.

Today was supposed to be my day "off". No Lex, no housework, the only thing I had to do was my sinus CT scan this afternoon. Lex was at daycare for all of 2 hours before our daycare lady called. Her fridge was broken and she had to close. She called me tonight to let me know she won't be open tomorrow because she still won't have a fridge and to tell me she sprained her rotator cuff and isn't supposed to do any lifting for a few days, she proceeds to tell me how she's on flexeril and darvocet. Like I'm going to want my son there while she's on darvocet, hell I don't watch Lex alone when I'm on darvocet let alone him and 7 other kids. This is not the first time she has flaked on us. I would say we are upwards of 10 days since Lex started there 3 1/2 months ago. We are in the market for a new daycare but no luck.

I think when Lex goes to bed I may have to curl up and cry for a while...

T minus 5 days

Only 5 days until I know for sure if my egg caught up with Nate's swimmers. That's right the femara appears to have worked. I'm eager to test even if it may not be positive. No real signs or symptoms yet, but that's alright.

I have been having some problems outside of the ttc ring. My joints have been aching to no avail. I have ulnar neuropathy in my right arm which often causes my elbow down through my fingers to hurt but lately my left hip and both shoulders have been bad too. I go see my dr on the 2nd for my annual physical so I'll ask her about it then. I worry about arthritis setting in this early, for goodness sake I'm 25.

Monday I'm supposed to have a CT scan of my sinuses since I was treated for a sinus infection back around Christmas and it doesn't seem to have cleared up. The headache is worse some days than others and I just hope this doesn't lead to another surgery, I'd kinda like to have only one more when it's time to have the next baby.

On a side note I want to send out a congrats to Nancy and her new man Karl, Elana for passing her 3 hour GTT and Katie for making it through her first day of work. Big hugs to Sarah R, let me know if there is anything I can do for you honey. And gentle hugs for Shayna, I know you are in a rough spot honey but when you hit bottom the only way to go is up, you are always in my thoughts.

Happy New Year

January 1st brought me the first cycle of treatment for baby number two. Today I start taking femara in hopes that I will ovulate and be so blessed as to catch the egg. To be honest I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm excited to have a chance but nervous that it won't work. I'm okay with the possibility of not getting pregnant on the first go round but nervous that it won't even cause me to ovulate. And then comes the nervous nature if it does work and I get pregnant, I am nervous about how I'll be able to handle a 2 year old and newborn. I know it's do-able my mom did it with me and Karl but I know deep down I'm not as strong as she was. All I know is deep down I know my family isn't complete with just the three of us, I hope one more will settle my need for children since that's all Nate agrees to but time will tell. I have my fingers crossed that this cycle works.