Monday, February 9, 2009

Don't know what to do

I've hit the brickwall that comes when I ttc. I don't know if I want to continue or if I want to give up. I know we are only on our second cycle of medicated cycles but waking up everyday and peeing on the stick for the monitor and seeing the low reading pop up is heartbreaking. I want so much to be pregnant one more time and for Lex to have a younger sibling but deep down I keep thinking it'll never happen. It doesn't help that my sex drive has been in the crapper for years and isn't getting any better. Trying to convince myself to have sex when I don't want to sucks, Nate does it to and it makes me resent him. I hate going to work and getting upset when I see the pregnant girl I work with, it's not her fault my body doesn't work, it's not her fault that despite the fact she smokes and is highly stressed that her body works the way it's supposed to and I just need to get over it.

I guess today I'm just down in the dumps. Lex didn't sleep so well last night, I got a call chewing me out first thing this morning (I was apparently supposed to work but I don't look at my float schedule unless they send me one and I haven't gotten one in a month) and I just in general feel under the weather and the actual weather doesn't help, it's warmer (upper 30's) but it's raining so I can't even just get Lex out in the stroller.

Next Sunday is my 7 year anniversary of when Nate and I started dating, I can't believe it's been that long...

I've come to a decision for ttcing. When I'm done with femara we'll re-evaluate how I'm feeling. I'm not temping anymore, just using my monitor. Hopefully this slightly laidback approach helps how I'm feeling.


Michelle said...

Hang in there, spring is just around the corner. Spring brings hope and sunshine and renewed sex drives.

Sarah R said...

Aw, I'm glad you're not giving up! I'm an old bag compared to you, and I'm not going to give up on my dream either (hopefully it's not 5 years before we start talking about TTC again, as DH says, but we'll see). You got your Lex--you definitely can do it again!

Keep your chin up. And (((Cate))) hugs to ya!