Feeling blessed

Today got off to a rough start. I woke up with massive swelling in my left cheek after having a tooth break last night on that side, I had an abscess. Thankfully I got in to see my dentist and we've gotten that taken care of. I'm still swollen but I no longer look like I have the chipmunk and acorns stuffed in my face.

Today ended on a good note. My good friend Crystal came over and Lex and I got to enjoy the night with her. We had planned on dinner but she stayed right up until Lex was wound down enough for bed. It was great having her around to talk to (not that I don't like talking to Lex but given his limited vocabulary it's hard to hold a conversation), she helped with bath time, brushing his teeth and getting him settled. I will be very sad when she moves to Green Bay at the beginning of the year but excited for her all the same. I know she will do great down there, she's a wonderful person and so smart how could she not?

I'm feeling pretty lucky when it comes to Lex's school and daycare now. The last two days at school it was just him in class and his teacher sent home notes about how well he did with all the one on one time. Today I got a note that there were more kids there so he had a rougher day with more hitting and head butting but after she got him settled down he still had a very good day. I think that having him attend school 4 days a week has been great for him. He has come so far when it comes to everything we are seeking assistance for, he's attempting more words, he's using some signs regularly and he has become even more outgoing, something I know can be very hard for him. Daycare has been wonderful too. Pam is a great fit for us. She understands what his limitations are when it comes to autism and she's great at explaining it to the other kids. She makes sure Lex is always included with the other kids, even if it is just the baby and Lex playing peek-a-boo. Lex obviously loves it there because he runs in every morning and doesn't really want to come home at night. Tonight she and I got talking and she started giving me some information on resources I haven't looked into as far as services to help both Lex and myself. I tend to be willing to give until I break down and she reminded me that I can't do that, it's not good for either of us, so I'll be looking into respite services. I do get a break now when Nate has Lex but that could always change.

I'm also really lucky to work with the wonderful ladies I call my friends at work. They covered for me so I could go to the dentist, handled some of my responsibilities for me since I start a little late on Thursdays and one even agreed to watch Lex next month since my daycare will be closed for her vacation and I can't take that time off of work. We are having a shower for one of the ladies in January as a surprise since she's having her first daughter and we are all so excited for her. She is such a sweetie. She knew I wasn't ready to be done having children when Nate decided he was so she wanted to make sure I heard from her when she announced her pregnancy as to make sure my feelings weren't going to be hurt. They weren't hurt at all, I was very excited for her, she's a wonderful person and mother. After all she's the mommy of another 10/15 baby, we have a very special connection.

Yesterday my baby brother and his fiance found out they will be having a son in April. I'm so happy for them. I was really hoping they'd have a girl but I know what kinds of things boys need so that'll make shopping for gifts that much easier. I don't know what they plan to name my future nephew but I'm very happy to know he's on the way. Matt and Megan will make wonderful parents, they are both pretty awesome people.

My middle brother has been so kind in the weeks since Nate moved out I almost don't recognize him. Karl and I haven't always been nice to each other (we are less than 2 years apart in age so we had a lot of competition when it came to getting approval from family and we tended to flirt with each other's friends in order to make each other mad) but I really like my brother now. I don't know if his deployment to Afghanistan really changed him that much or if my home situation changed me but we get along now like we never really have before. He's also dating a lady with a little boy who is absolutely a doll. Oliver is super cute, hopefully he and Lex can play more often since they only are a little more than a year apart in age. I can't wait to meet Chelsea (Karl's girlfriend, Ollie's mom) I'm sure if she can put up with my brother she's gotta be worth getting to know.

I have so much in my life to be feeling lucky for and I really am lucky.

Our new norm

This weekend was Lex's first with Nate in the Twin Cities. We agreed to alternate weekends so Lex can see both of his parents. I missed him like crazy. I'm so used to having Lex with me all the time it was odd to run to the store and not have to grab a cart and continually tell the small person sitting in it to sit back down. Don't get me wrong it was nice but I'd honestly rather have that time with him. Since I work so much during the week the weekends are mine and Lex's quality time together. Those are the hours I usually spend with him playing, doing crafts and just being together enjoying his laugh and trying to be patient with his temper tantrums. I guess I'll just have to get accustomed to this new norm where he's doing things with Nate's family while I try to think of things to keep myself busy.

Testing testing

Okay so I'm a little slow and didn't realize that I didn't have a comments field on here for some reason so I changed some settings just to see if it'll work. I think the changes only start after a "new" post. If you can comment please do so, I'd like to see if I got this fixed. Thanks!

Saturday Night Song of the Week

My new goal is to post at least once a week and this will be my sure fire way of doing it. In honor of this being the first week I'm going to post my two top songs of the week. First one is a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus song that describes how I've been feeling about the whole separation and pending divorce. Second one is Eminem and Rihanna just because I can't get enough of that song.

A different road

Lex and I started down a different road from Nate roughly a week ago. Nate and I separated and he moved down to his mom's house a few hours south. We have started the paperwork to get a divorce. Now while some divorces are all about blaming each other ours won't be. I can't blame him for all the problems in our marriage, I'm just as much at fault. We've been trying to work on these things since March and no matter how much we improve we always fall back into the bad habits. In the end we are doing what's best for us and Lex.

Lex is living with me most of the time and will be staying with Nate part time so that he always knows his dad loves him. I do have to say that even just being separated a week has proved most beneficial for Lex. I know I'm not as frustrated as I was and that trickles down to Lex, I'm not as quick to be annoyed when he's refusing to communicate and instead just wants to scream. He's getting more one on one interaction because of all the time it's just me and him.

I love being a single mom so far. We've had a few rougher spots (changes in his routine/schedule, cutting his nails and hair) but I would say overall it's been a good week. Lex makes me laugh when I feel down and I make him dinner lol. I think I'm just eating up that he has so much affection to give and since Nate's not here I'm getting it all. We've also developed new games in everything we do and discipline isn't a problem since I'm not trying to battle differing views. I just hope that Lex realizes that we both love him very much I just happen to be a bit better at handling my difficult child when he wants to be difficult.

To the north or the south?

I've come to a fork in the road and I have to decide which direction to go. Neither is the "right" way they are just both very different. They are both going to have winds and bumps but of differing varieties. If I was just making this decision for me it would be easy but I'm not. I just know I can't keep going straight because that leads to nowhere and more frustration.

Happy Birthday Lex!

It's hard to believe my little boy is 3. It seems like we just celebrated his first birthday. I love having this little kid in my life. As tough as things may get his smile can always make me smile, his laugh makes me laugh and he's just a rough and tumble little guy. Autism may be his "label" but he is always just my Lex.

Yay for change!

Lex had his first day of special education pre-k on the first and he LOVED it. I had a hard time with the idea of getting him on the bus and him going to school and then back to daycare but Lex took it in stride. He had no problem getting on the bus in the morning (I was the only one to shed tears), his teacher sent a note home letting us know how the day went and that he will be a great new friend for the other kids and he made it back to daycare with only minimal tears. He went again yesterday and was incredibly excited when he saw the bus pull up in the morning. Today was rough for him, there was no school. When we were leaving for daycare a bus drove by and he ran down the block after it because he must have thought it forgot to stop for him. When we got to daycare he wanted to sit in the spot we normally wait for the bus at but since I had to get to work I insisted he come into the daycare with me which of course set him off (he thrives on routine and this was throwing a wrench in that routine). He was not happy to be at daycare and I can't say I blame him. We will be switching his daycare in just over a week to a home based center where he can have more one on one time with someone that has more special education/autism experience than his current teachers do.

At the end of next week we'll be losing our services with Birth to 3 since he is aging out of the system. I'm really sad that we won't have David and Paula coming into our home weekly. They have been wonderful in the last year and I know Lex loves them. I think for our "wrap up meeting" on Monday we are going to make thank you cards. It's been a gift having them to help us with the tough times and celebrate the good times it's like having a family member leave. After all, Lex isn't the same kid he was when they started with him.

Lex has started babbling and talking a ton more in the last couple of weeks. He is regularly using his signs and he's attempting many more words. Each new attempt makes me excited for the future. I dread the idea that he's growing up and won't be my baby forever but I love seeing him grow, he's an amazing little kid. Each new skill, each new word and each new moment (tantrum, happy or somewhere in the middle) makes me glad to have him in my life.

End of one road, start of another

Tomorrow is going to suck. Tomorrow I'll be putting my almost 3 year old on a school bus to take him to his first day of special ed pre-k.
I'm sure he'll do great, maybe have a rough start of it but in the end Lex will thrive. He is so adaptive when it comes to play environments and his teacher said that's first and foremost what her classroom is that learning happens naturally when the kids are playing and interacting. I'm excited to see how he handles the transition to "big kid" status. He'll ride the bus to and from school 4 days a week and 3 of those days he'll go right into daycare.
I on the other hand will not do well with this transition. My feelings are so mixed, pride and worry and sadness have become my 3 shadows these days. I'm so proud that Lex will be doing this, that he will take most of this in stride and be a better person for it. Proud to simply be the mom of this amazing little person. I worry that he'll have a rough go of things just like the transition to the 2 year old room at daycare. That he may not work to his potential because he could be stressed out. Lex isn't a big fan of change and this is a pretty big change. I'm really sad to see the end of the baby days nearing. Since he'll be my only child (barring some miracle) it's hard for me to let go of the sweet baby. He hasn't been a baby in almost 2 years, he's been this rough and tumble, mess and monsters kind of boy but I really just want to hold onto him where he is. Every day is a new adventure, he's talking more, dancing, jumping, and being infinitely more affectionate than he ever has been.
I attribute a lot of the new found skills to all the hard work he does, Nate and I working with him and then his wonderful therapists David and Paula being there and being amazing resources. It's hard to imagine we'll be navigating the world of autism and sensory integration dysfunction without them in 2 weeks since they have been our guides but it'll have to be something we do. We know the skills it's just time to apply them.
I'm not ready to start down this new road but I think Lex will grab my hand and pull me along no matter what.

Busy and frustrating

It's been a busy couple of weeks here. We completed Lex's evaluations for entrance into the school district and they were pretty right on in relation to where he is developmentally and socially. He'll start his first day of school on October 1st but his last meeting with his current therapists will be the week of his birthday so we'll be doubled up for 2 weeks.

Last weekend we did the Northland Autism Walk. Our team met our goal of $450 and passed it. We had a lot of friends and family come out and walk with us, all of them rocking the tie dye shirts I made. Team Lex was amazing.

This week Lex was moved over to the 2 year old room at daycare. While I wasn't happy about this idea I know they have to do it, one because of his age/size and two because of the numbers of kids they have to maintain in each classroom. The first day resulted in Lex clinging to his old teacher, but I had no information about the day because she didn't know. Second day was more of the same but I sent a communication notebook so we could try to relay information back and forth. After that day I was not happy with the classroom teachers. They made it seem like they weren't going to make an attempt to keep Lex interacting in anything. Nate and I had a meeting with the center director and the teachers yesterday to discuss their concerns and see what can be done to make this easier on everyone. I felt very attacked at this meeting like I was asking them to do something that's not in their job descriptions and that they just don't have time for a kid like Lex. They seem unwilling to do his brushing protocol or even give him a couple of minutes to unwind away from the other kids before bringing him back to projects and circle time. I understand that they have 14 other kids to think about but they need to think about Lex too. I got the feeling during the meeting they really want to have us leave the daycare so that's my intention. I don't want to but I want to do what's best for Lex.