Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Angels
Even with all the difficulties I've been having lately one thing I haven't had a hard time finding is angels in the flesh, I work with them on a daily basis.
When I'm having a particularly hard time being a single mom I have a clinic full of people who are at my side giving me ideas and volunteering to help where they can. As stubborn as I am I usually turn down the help and tell them that just getting everything off my chest is the best gift they can give me. But these men and women are smarter than that. They know that a lot of my stress comes from finances and that I am dead set against asking for help unless I absolutely need it. While I hadn't said I needed it these angels took a gathering in the office and presented me with an envelope of money to help make things easier. I was totally shocked and immediately grateful. That envelope meant diapers, a new backpack for Lex since his broke earlier this week and then gas for my car so I can make it to work next week. It meant the world to me that they would do this for us. Every time I think about it I start crying because I don't know how I got to be so blessed with such wonderful coworkers/friends/family. I wish I could do something just as touching in each and every one of their lives because this made a huge impact on ours
When I'm having a particularly hard time being a single mom I have a clinic full of people who are at my side giving me ideas and volunteering to help where they can. As stubborn as I am I usually turn down the help and tell them that just getting everything off my chest is the best gift they can give me. But these men and women are smarter than that. They know that a lot of my stress comes from finances and that I am dead set against asking for help unless I absolutely need it. While I hadn't said I needed it these angels took a gathering in the office and presented me with an envelope of money to help make things easier. I was totally shocked and immediately grateful. That envelope meant diapers, a new backpack for Lex since his broke earlier this week and then gas for my car so I can make it to work next week. It meant the world to me that they would do this for us. Every time I think about it I start crying because I don't know how I got to be so blessed with such wonderful coworkers/friends/family. I wish I could do something just as touching in each and every one of their lives because this made a huge impact on ours
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Anger
I have a lot of problems with my anger. I can usually control it, especially when I'm around Lex (who incidentally has my hot temper) but I find that once I'm angry I tend to stay that way for hours to days. I'm harboring a lot of anger lately when it comes to things with Nate, especially bills or expenses and feeling like he gets to live relatively stress free in that aspect. Now don't get me wrong I don't blame him for all of the money problems I'm dealing with, I caused some of it too but I feel like I have to handle all the mistakes myself. I have a hard time talking to him because I'm in a constant state of stress, work causes stress, being home causes stress and my child that doesn't communicate like other kids his age causes stress and all this stress causes me to get angry. I feel like he's gloating when we talk because he gets to go out with his friends, he gets to do fun things that I can't afford to do or can't do because Lex is with me more often than not. I get angry when I hear about all the fun things he has planned for Lex's visits because he never wanted to do anything like that when he lived with us because he was always too tired or he just didn't want to.
I know I shouldn't get angry about these things because it just draws energy out of me and I should be happy that Nate wants to take Lex out to do fun things when they are together but sometimes I just can't help it. I had put everything I had into trying to make sure we could live comfortably, that Nate could attend school and do well,that Lex was getting all the therapy and one on one play time he needs and trying to make my marriage work. Once the work on the marriage fell through I was left wondering what went wrong. Yes, I'm the one that asked Nate to move out but I still blame myself for not being patient enough, for not giving him a stern enough warning to want to make the changes necessary for things to get better. I'm angry at myself for what I view as failing, I'm angry at Nate for not taking the necessary steps to help me on a daily basis and to help with Lex and the housework, for not attending classes and keeping down a job until we had managed to catch up on bills. But all this anger doesn't do me any good, it just makes me feel drained.
I know I shouldn't get angry about these things because it just draws energy out of me and I should be happy that Nate wants to take Lex out to do fun things when they are together but sometimes I just can't help it. I had put everything I had into trying to make sure we could live comfortably, that Nate could attend school and do well,that Lex was getting all the therapy and one on one play time he needs and trying to make my marriage work. Once the work on the marriage fell through I was left wondering what went wrong. Yes, I'm the one that asked Nate to move out but I still blame myself for not being patient enough, for not giving him a stern enough warning to want to make the changes necessary for things to get better. I'm angry at myself for what I view as failing, I'm angry at Nate for not taking the necessary steps to help me on a daily basis and to help with Lex and the housework, for not attending classes and keeping down a job until we had managed to catch up on bills. But all this anger doesn't do me any good, it just makes me feel drained.
Frustration
This last few days have been very frustrating for me. My favorite coworker (and very good friend) was off due to a medical procedure she had to have and while we joke that she and I run the clinic I realized this week that it is sort of true. I had so many questions directed to me that I honestly contemplated hiding out in an empty exam room just to avoid the extra questions. In addition to having to do my regular vaccine and medication ordering I had to order supplies since that is normally her responsibility. I just hope I didn't screw that up at all.
Normally I work with one doc 3 days a week and then another on Thursdays. This Thursday he started later than normal but I still got to the clinic early figuring I would use that time to catch up on messages and prescriptions but instead I spent the extra 45 minutes before his first patient stocking his rooms. His other assistant obviously hadn't put any new supplies in there in a while since there were a lot of expired items that I threw out and he had to covers for the otoscope in one room. Now I normally just mutter under my breath and maybe complain to another assistant or two because it's not really my responsibility to keep these rooms stocked but I never say anything to our manager. (I'm responsible for the 2 rooms that my regular doc uses and she never runs out of supplies because I get in early on Tuesdays to make sure we have plenty of supplies for the next week.) This time I had enough, I went to the manager and explained I understand that this nurse has a harder time keeping up with patient flow, messages and prescriptions because of the way she works but I had enough of having to stock these rooms when I know she has the time to do it because she is frequently off chatting instead of in her office. I told him that if he and the doctor wanted me to stock those rooms I would do it but otherwise I want the normal nurse to do it. I came up with a form last year to make sure we check all the items in our rooms for expiration dates and the nurse I was having problems with hadn't used hers at all as far as I could tell. My manager said he would discuss it with her when she returns to work and thanked me profusely for taking the initiative to make sure the doc had the supplies he would need and checking expiration dates.
The next day the nurse I was having problems with called in sick as she does pretty frequently (or she shows up late without any warning for the rest of us). My manager called me around 7am to see if I could work the rest of the day since I was only scheduled to work the morning with my regular doc. I told him I had several things I had to do but I would stay if they needed me. Luckily he found a float to come in so I didn't have to stay the whole day but instead I had to help the floats that were covering 2 of the 5 docs in office. Covering that many messages and prescriptions isn't usually a problem but we had really over booked my doc. So instead of doing just her messages and prescriptions I had hers and 3 other docs' stuff open. At work I'm pretty easily flustered if I don't feel like I'm making good progress and it didn't feel like I was on Friday. I still managed to get it all done but an hour and a half after I was supposed to leave.
Friday after leaving work my plan was to run home and grab some stuff to bring back to my cable company, pick up Lex from daycare and get a steroid injection in my sore shoulder. That plan fell through completely. I was driving a little faster than I should have because I was trying to remain ahead of a car that was coming up on my bumper when I saw a police officer driving in the other direction. I had already started to push my brakes when I saw him turn his car around and come back my direction. I knew who he was pulling over... me. By time he got to my window I had my license ready and I did my best to be polite. Then came the bad part, he asked for my insurance, something I didn't have (I had let it lapse in order to pay other bills that I felt were more necessary, something I now realize was a bad idea). He went back to his car and I knew I was getting a ticket. Okay so I didn't really want the ticket but I figured paying a fine was no big deal and would help me learn my lesson to slow down. He came back to my car and said he had to tow it for the lack of insurance and asked if there was anyone I could call to come get me. I was just about in tears before he finished that statement but I managed to hold it together to tell him that I would try to find someone but if I couldn't would it be possible for him to give me a ride to the downtown bus stop so I could at least get back to Superior to get Lex from daycare on time. He said he would drive me all the way to Superior if I needed him to. Luckily my dad came to my rescue. While I was waiting for Dad to get there I called and got a quote for car insurance so that as soon as I could get a prepay debit/credit card I could order the insurance. Tomorrow I will hopefully get my car back since I have my insurance cards. This one mistake is costing me big bucks though.
Last night and today I don't know what bug crawled up Lex's butt but this kid is testing my patience. He has just been screaming or crying for nothing and then he has been hitting and scratching way more than normal. I'm surprised I don't have a black eye for the number of times he has punched me in the face this weekend. Last night I felt bad for him. He absolutely hates having his nails cut and he doesn't like having lotion put on his skin, not sure if it's SPD (sensory processing disorder) related or just a quirk that he has but doing both of these things cause a battle (as does cutting his hair but that seems to be improving since I got a new set of clippers that are much quieter). I started trying to cut his toe nails since he had a couple of long ones and a couple that were broken and I'm sure snag on his socks, that was almost impossible so I just cut the long ones and stopped. He screamed the whole time I was doing that so I held him for a while and he kept trying to hand me his pajamas to put on him but since I hadn't done the lotion yet I wouldn't put them on him. Next up was his finger nails. I have a lot more practice doing his fingers so I swaddled him, pulled one arm out and pinned him under my legs, cue the major screaming and the baby Hulk. I managed to get them all cut but he lost his voice from screaming (he's like me his voice is the first thing to go when he gets a cold). He cried while I put the lotion on him and started to calm down once I had his pajamas on. When I went to put the nail clippers and lotion away he fell asleep on the couch. I always feel bad when I have to do this but an upset child is better than my arms looking like I got into a fight with the cats.
Normally I work with one doc 3 days a week and then another on Thursdays. This Thursday he started later than normal but I still got to the clinic early figuring I would use that time to catch up on messages and prescriptions but instead I spent the extra 45 minutes before his first patient stocking his rooms. His other assistant obviously hadn't put any new supplies in there in a while since there were a lot of expired items that I threw out and he had to covers for the otoscope in one room. Now I normally just mutter under my breath and maybe complain to another assistant or two because it's not really my responsibility to keep these rooms stocked but I never say anything to our manager. (I'm responsible for the 2 rooms that my regular doc uses and she never runs out of supplies because I get in early on Tuesdays to make sure we have plenty of supplies for the next week.) This time I had enough, I went to the manager and explained I understand that this nurse has a harder time keeping up with patient flow, messages and prescriptions because of the way she works but I had enough of having to stock these rooms when I know she has the time to do it because she is frequently off chatting instead of in her office. I told him that if he and the doctor wanted me to stock those rooms I would do it but otherwise I want the normal nurse to do it. I came up with a form last year to make sure we check all the items in our rooms for expiration dates and the nurse I was having problems with hadn't used hers at all as far as I could tell. My manager said he would discuss it with her when she returns to work and thanked me profusely for taking the initiative to make sure the doc had the supplies he would need and checking expiration dates.
The next day the nurse I was having problems with called in sick as she does pretty frequently (or she shows up late without any warning for the rest of us). My manager called me around 7am to see if I could work the rest of the day since I was only scheduled to work the morning with my regular doc. I told him I had several things I had to do but I would stay if they needed me. Luckily he found a float to come in so I didn't have to stay the whole day but instead I had to help the floats that were covering 2 of the 5 docs in office. Covering that many messages and prescriptions isn't usually a problem but we had really over booked my doc. So instead of doing just her messages and prescriptions I had hers and 3 other docs' stuff open. At work I'm pretty easily flustered if I don't feel like I'm making good progress and it didn't feel like I was on Friday. I still managed to get it all done but an hour and a half after I was supposed to leave.
Friday after leaving work my plan was to run home and grab some stuff to bring back to my cable company, pick up Lex from daycare and get a steroid injection in my sore shoulder. That plan fell through completely. I was driving a little faster than I should have because I was trying to remain ahead of a car that was coming up on my bumper when I saw a police officer driving in the other direction. I had already started to push my brakes when I saw him turn his car around and come back my direction. I knew who he was pulling over... me. By time he got to my window I had my license ready and I did my best to be polite. Then came the bad part, he asked for my insurance, something I didn't have (I had let it lapse in order to pay other bills that I felt were more necessary, something I now realize was a bad idea). He went back to his car and I knew I was getting a ticket. Okay so I didn't really want the ticket but I figured paying a fine was no big deal and would help me learn my lesson to slow down. He came back to my car and said he had to tow it for the lack of insurance and asked if there was anyone I could call to come get me. I was just about in tears before he finished that statement but I managed to hold it together to tell him that I would try to find someone but if I couldn't would it be possible for him to give me a ride to the downtown bus stop so I could at least get back to Superior to get Lex from daycare on time. He said he would drive me all the way to Superior if I needed him to. Luckily my dad came to my rescue. While I was waiting for Dad to get there I called and got a quote for car insurance so that as soon as I could get a prepay debit/credit card I could order the insurance. Tomorrow I will hopefully get my car back since I have my insurance cards. This one mistake is costing me big bucks though.
Last night and today I don't know what bug crawled up Lex's butt but this kid is testing my patience. He has just been screaming or crying for nothing and then he has been hitting and scratching way more than normal. I'm surprised I don't have a black eye for the number of times he has punched me in the face this weekend. Last night I felt bad for him. He absolutely hates having his nails cut and he doesn't like having lotion put on his skin, not sure if it's SPD (sensory processing disorder) related or just a quirk that he has but doing both of these things cause a battle (as does cutting his hair but that seems to be improving since I got a new set of clippers that are much quieter). I started trying to cut his toe nails since he had a couple of long ones and a couple that were broken and I'm sure snag on his socks, that was almost impossible so I just cut the long ones and stopped. He screamed the whole time I was doing that so I held him for a while and he kept trying to hand me his pajamas to put on him but since I hadn't done the lotion yet I wouldn't put them on him. Next up was his finger nails. I have a lot more practice doing his fingers so I swaddled him, pulled one arm out and pinned him under my legs, cue the major screaming and the baby Hulk. I managed to get them all cut but he lost his voice from screaming (he's like me his voice is the first thing to go when he gets a cold). He cried while I put the lotion on him and started to calm down once I had his pajamas on. When I went to put the nail clippers and lotion away he fell asleep on the couch. I always feel bad when I have to do this but an upset child is better than my arms looking like I got into a fight with the cats.
Friday, December 31, 2010
From every end comes a beginning
Well we made it to another new year. I hope 2011 brings just as much happiness at 2010 has brought me, maybe a little less sadness and stress, but definitely growth. This year wasn't horrible but I'm ready for 2011.
2010 brought me:
2010 brought me:
- A definitive answer that Lex could hear. The sedated test was not enjoyable for either of us but knowing that it wasn't his hearing that was preventing him from speaking was thrilling.
- A diagnosis of Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder. These labels have allowed my son to obtain the services he's needed, that we've needed, to help him expand his horizons and grow.
- A 3 year old. Lex celebrated his 3rd birthday in October and I celebrated 3 amazing years of motherhood. While never easy it's always worthwhile.
- A good friend moved away almost to the year after another friend moved. While sad for me I'm excited that she'll get to experience a whole new beginning in a city she has wanted to move to for a long time now.
- My younger brother returned safely from Afghanistan. I couldn't watch the news or read papers with any regularity because I would worry too much. It also brought the notification that he, my uncle and my cousin will all be going to Iraq. While this is also nerve wracking they will all be in the same area and our family looks out for each other, I know these 3 will return safely.
- My baby brother announced that he and his fiancee will be having my first nephew (related by blood) in April. I can't wait to see them in February for the baby shower and then to meet my new nephew.
- A separation and pending divorce. This has not been an easy thing for me and Lex and most likely for Nate but we are learning how to handle it every day. It's hard when any relationship ends but it'll be for the best in the end.
- Words. Lex has started saying more words with more regularity. I can't get enough of "Buzz", "Wah-ee", "E-ah" and "pwease". He's trying new words almost daily and he has an absolutely beautiful voice when he's not screaming or squealing. It's the most beautiful sound I know outside of his laugh.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Autism Night Before Christmas by Cindy Waeltermann
Autism Night Before Christmas
by Cindy Waeltermann
Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
......The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse
We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract
The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head
Did I get the right gift
The right color And style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?
Our relatives come
But they don't understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands.
"He needs discipline," they say
"Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent"
And on goes the attack
We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side
We know what it's like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions
But what they don't know
...And what they don't see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity
He said "hello"
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!
He peed on the potty
Who cares if he's ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!
Others don't realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely hang on
At the end of our rope
But what they don't see
Is the joy we can't hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride
We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste,
But what they don't know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity.
We don't get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings
Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.
They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky
So to those who don't get it
Or can't get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I'll assure you
That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You'll look at me
With respect, even shock.
You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you
That you won't say a thing
You'll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned
by Cindy Waeltermann
Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
......The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse
We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract
The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head
Did I get the right gift
The right color And style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?
Our relatives come
But they don't understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands.
"He needs discipline," they say
"Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent"
And on goes the attack
We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side
We know what it's like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions
But what they don't know
...And what they don't see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity
He said "hello"
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!
He peed on the potty
Who cares if he's ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!
Others don't realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely hang on
At the end of our rope
But what they don't see
Is the joy we can't hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride
We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste,
But what they don't know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity.
We don't get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings
Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.
They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky
So to those who don't get it
Or can't get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I'll assure you
That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You'll look at me
With respect, even shock.
You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you
That you won't say a thing
You'll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thank you Santa
Christmas was good to us this year. Lex and I got to enjoy some quality time with our family at my mom's house. Lex was spoiled rotten, he got a lot of new toys and some clothes. I was equally spoiled since Lex did better than he has since infancy at the family parties, tantrums were limited, he was funny and playful, even though he was obviously exhausted today. I was so proud of my little boy.
I think his favorite gift came from my parents. Lex has been really into Toy Story lately, I frequently get requests to watch "Buzz", so I had planned to get him a Buzz Lightyear but by time I could afford to get it for him I couldn't find the one I wanted to get him so instead he got Woody. He absolutely loves his Woody doll but last night his dreams came true. After I posted on facebook the night before that I couldn't find Buzz my dad made it his personal mission to find Buzz and he did. Lex was very excited when he opened that gift. He has been carrying Buzz and Woody everywhere. I even got an adorable picture of him sleeping with Woody.
I think his favorite gift came from my parents. Lex has been really into Toy Story lately, I frequently get requests to watch "Buzz", so I had planned to get him a Buzz Lightyear but by time I could afford to get it for him I couldn't find the one I wanted to get him so instead he got Woody. He absolutely loves his Woody doll but last night his dreams came true. After I posted on facebook the night before that I couldn't find Buzz my dad made it his personal mission to find Buzz and he did. Lex was very excited when he opened that gift. He has been carrying Buzz and Woody everywhere. I even got an adorable picture of him sleeping with Woody.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
He amazes me
Today Lex went to my best friend's house for the day so I could work and admittedly I was worried it wasn't going to be a good day. He has been there a couple of times for birthday parties and he knows her kids from other things we've done together but I have always been there when he is. He took off like a shot into the house, obviously a good sign. I sent her a text at lunch time just to see how things were going and she said he was the best kid of the three (she has a 3 and 5 year old boys) Unless she was looking for Lex he was playing quietly all day and he was giving her kisses and hugs, huge change from the high five he barely gave her before. I was amazed he did so well out of his comfort zone. I still can't believe how lucky I am when it comes to Lex.
After work tomorrow we will begin our Christmas celebration, he and I will make one final stop and then once he's in bed I'll put up his train set under the Christmas tree so he can see if first thing in the morning Christmas Eve. Santa will be making a special appearance at my mom's house that evening, I just hope Lex will let my cousin's kids see him before he takes over. Saturday is another Christmas party at my mom's house. Sunday will be spent playing with all the new toys and washing all the new clothes. and gearing up for Lex's trip to Nate's. I'm sure Lexy will do fine though the whole thing. He's become so adaptive lately.
After work tomorrow we will begin our Christmas celebration, he and I will make one final stop and then once he's in bed I'll put up his train set under the Christmas tree so he can see if first thing in the morning Christmas Eve. Santa will be making a special appearance at my mom's house that evening, I just hope Lex will let my cousin's kids see him before he takes over. Saturday is another Christmas party at my mom's house. Sunday will be spent playing with all the new toys and washing all the new clothes. and gearing up for Lex's trip to Nate's. I'm sure Lexy will do fine though the whole thing. He's become so adaptive lately.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tomorrow
Tomorrow this all becomes real. I don't see the goal as being the "easy" but it's a goal. I'm meeting with a lawyer to go over the divorce paperwork and hopefully start the ball rolling on getting what I need to take care of Lex. Nate has been out of the house for almost 2 months and has been helping where he can but tomorrow signifies my desire to make it just me, even if I'm having some doubts about that. They are purely idiotic doubts, things so ridiculous they shouldn't be slipping into my mind but they are. To me tomorrow is sealing off of a connection that I've had for so long. It's the end of Lex having a full blooded sibling. It's the end of a relationship that was based on love. I know I'm just meeting with the lawyer, we aren't signing the final papers but this one step scares the crap out of me. I know Nate and I can't coexist but what about Lex?
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