Missing

As you may or may not know I have two little brothers, K and M, that I've been very close to my entire life (there is only a 3 year 5 month difference between me and M with K in the middle). They are both members of the military, K in the National Guard and M in the Air Force. This is the first Christmas that neither of my brothers were able to come home for. See K is currently serving a tour in Afghanistan and M is stationed in Missouri. M has missed the last few Christmases because he doesn't get leave this time of year but K has been home so this year without both of them is really hitting me pretty hard. I'm blessed to have my son, husband and parents near by but it feels odd without them here causing trouble at the Christmas celebrations. What I wouldn't give to have them home...

And then...

Come Monday morning my lifelong best friend will be moving to North Carolina with her husband. My cousin has been my best friend for as long as I can remember even when she was living with her dad across the country. People use to think she was our little sister because she was always with me and my brothers and I guess I always felt like she was my sister so to be losing the local connection with her is hard for me too. I know this won't be an easy move for her and her hubby so I hope for nothing but the best for them and that all their dreams come true.

I really shouldn't be so down this holiday season since I'm blessed to have a loving family, great friends and so much to be happy about but just thinking about my brothers and cousin makes me a little bummed.

Leaps and bounds

It's now been almost 2 weeks since Lex's tubes were placed and his vocabulary and babbling has grown. I never tired of hearing him "talk" even if it doesn't make any sense. He floored Nate the other day. Nate asked Lex where I was while they were waiting for me to pick them up at the daycare and Lex turned, pointed out the window and said "out there". He has also spontaneously said car in the past few days.

Tonight was our last night at Interact through one of the local colleges and they said they were surprised by how much babble is coming out of Lex now and that you can tell the tubes helped a lot.

Our next step is to get that hearing test done in early January and go from there, but now I have very little doubt that my son can hear.

They're in

Lex got his tubes in without complication this morning. He was very mad at me for not giving him anything to eat or drink but when he did get to eat and got some juice he was very happy. He honestly doesn't seem like he had surgery today, other than us pissing him off to put the ear drops in he's his normal self. He and I are still staying home tomorrow just in case tonight is rough but overall the day has gone well.

I was amazed at how fast everything went. His surgery nurse came and got him, Lex waved bye and me and my mother in law went down to wait in the family waiting room. I watched one "article" on the Dr's and the surgeon appeared. He said Lex did great, there was more fluid behind his right eardrum than his left but he had high hopes that when the inflammation goes down Lex will be able to hear. We have a follow up appointment in one month to test his hearing and see the ENT and hopefully they'll clear us with the exception of checking on his tubes down the road.

Nervous

Today we took Lex to have a follow up hearing test since the last time Nate brought him he had fluid behind his ear drums. Today they tested to see if there was fluid and it didn't appear that there was, however, his hearing was still not up to par. So tomorrow I get to bring him in to see an ENT (ear, nose and throat) doctor. The main reason was to have someone who really knows what they are looking at when it comes to Lex's ears and throat (he has a slightly runny nose right now so there won't be much peeking up there) and to make sure there really is no fluid back there. If she doesn't think there is fluid the next step is a sedated hearing test to see what the nerves are doing. This makes me nervous but so does him still having fluid back there. I have lots of scar tissue in my right ear due to the amount of fluid that builds up there because of my allergies, not to mention the number of ear infections I've had. If he has fluid still the typical next step is another round of antibiotics and then an ear check and possibly doing that again. Or it could mean tubes. I'm not comfortable with my two year old being sedated, it's perfectly fine for me, I've had several surgeries and know what to expect from recovery to healing. I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself and worry as it won't do me any good but my brain is in overdrive due to my insomnia. Hopefully when I see my doc tomorrow I'll have a little help with that.

**Update**
Lex is scheduled to have tubes placed on Monday in hopes that by draining the fluid he'll hear better. We'll have a follow up hearing test in one month when we see his ENT again. If his hearing isn't improved he'll have a sedated hearing test. At least now we have a plan.

Thanksgiving and other ramblings

Thanksgiving has come and gone leaving in it's wake some hurt feelings and sadness. This is the last thanksgiving one of my grandmothers will be living in the house she shared with her husband of many years. It was an odd feeling being at her house without Ray being there and while it's sad that she has to move out of her home because that odd feeling follows her around every day that she lives there I'm happy for her. She is moving to a smaller apartment near my house and near my aunt and uncle, it is literally within walking distance for me and Lex.

The hurt feelings came from my other grandmother. She decided to host dinner for my mom's side of the family this year, in her small apartment. This meant containing my rambunctious son in one room filled with fragile items. Needless to say he had several melt downs and his mommy had a couple herself. I ended up not eating dinner because I was so frustrated my stomach was in knots and then my grandmother's off handed comment about Lex's squeals (at that moment they were squeals of joy because he was playing with my dad) and not knowing how I could handle them. My mom came to my defense saying that I do it just how she did it with her kids and my mom and aunt did with her kids, of course grandma couldn't take that as an answer, she had to say that my mom and aunt never screamed like that. It frustrated me to tears. She doesn't get that he has certain problems her girls never had.

Speaking of Lex's problems he is in occupational therapy again, one hour a week. The therapist told Nate she's going to teach us techniques to help him meet his sensory needs. We are going to learn brushing and joint compression as well as how to help him separate himself to regather and come back when he's overwhelmed. We bought him a tent to do that at home but it's so large we can't take it with us everywhere. I can't wait to learn these techniques and teach his teachers at daycare so we can help him to the best of our abilities. I want to get him involved in the Scottish Rite Center but we have limitations in time with Nate being in school and me needing to bring home the bacon. We'll just have to see what the future brings.

"The elephant in the playroom"

Friday we made our almost monthly trip to Barnes and Noble to satisfy my need for new reading material on Sensory Processing Disorder and any other disorder that Lex could fit into, to try to give me new insight on what I can do to help my darling boy. While looking through the shelf where they have books on "Special Needs Children" (yes that is what the shelf was labeled... ugh) I stumbled upon the book titled above. It's a compilation of essays done by parents of children with developmental disorders ranging from sensory processing disorder, to ADHD, to Autism, to other physical and learning disabilities. I am only to the second chapter but it makes me feel like I'm not alone with a "difficult" child. (I knew before I'm not, but some days are harder than others to remember that).
The second chapter is about taking care of yourself in order to take care of your child. This, I have to say, is where I find myself faltering most days. I can give and give and give until I'm blue in the face but when it comes down to taking care of me I just can't take the time. I can't take the time away from Lex to exercise or to eat right. I feel awful when I have to take time away from him to do laundry or dishes, but in reality these things are for him too. I just have to work on this with Nate, doing a tag team with him so that I have time to be Cate instead of Mommy all the time.
This past Thursday we took Lex up to the largest college in the area to join a program with other children that are non-verbal. It's a combination program, they work with him and they work with us. After dinner they separate parents from children and we parents have a class on the topic of the week. Last week's topic was about other forms of communicating and how to follow our children and encourage them to communicate more. Then we break off with the student that is supposed to work with our child and they take them into a room with a one way window and we watch them play with him and then we switch to show what we've learned. It's kind of odd playing with Lex with someone watching and taping it but we managed.
Initially when I was getting information about this program I was worried that Lex was going to be the youngest by far but there is another little boy who just turned two there. Lex once again showed that he is the ring leader, after dinner he took off to play (he's not shy by any means) and figured out he could reach the light switch so he turned it off, and then it went off 3 other times, he had showed the other kids how to do it. He also decided that night he wasn't terribly interested in playing with the student that was working with him (she was a fill in for our regular one since our's had no voice), he decided that once she followed him to all the toys in the room he was going to tune her out the best way he knows possible, by spinning. I've found recently he will close himself off by spinning because then I don't really know if he's paying attention to me, it suits his purpose. I also think it's calming for him because it puts him in control. The only other thing that he finds calming is running a tag between his fingers, his daycare teachers give him a pair of shorts he has there when he's really frustrated and it calms him down, here he has a couple of blankets that he grabs and rubs that tag.
While I'm sitting here writing all I can think is how much easier this would all be for me if I knew a diagnosis. Working in the medical field with hopes of going to med school in the future I know a diagnosis generally leads to a treatment that is most appropriate for that diagnosis. While I know speech therapy is an appropriate treatment for a speech delay but I think we are past that possible diagnosis at this point. He was in occupational therapy for sensory processing disorder when we were going through the hospital and I feel that he should still be in occupational therapy (something I will be changing at the next IEP meeting as he qualifies for those services). While I feel some days like sensory processing is the answer there are certain things he does that makes me question if there's not something more going on there. A diagnosis would have my grandmother stop telling me there is nothing wrong with him that a change in my parenting wouldn't fix. But no matter what my little man is still amazing to me.

Good days and bad days

We've been having some good days here lately. Lex had his second birthday party and he loved it. We had several little boys running around our little apartment and playing together, it was so cute. We also had a conference with Lex's daycare teachers and it went wonderfully. His teachers told us how fun he is to have in class and how much they enjoy having David, Lex's speech therapist, come in to work with Lex, them and the other kids in his class. They have worked it out with the director of the center so that until Lex has caught up to other kids his age he'll stay in the 18-23 months class. His teachers also told me they are writing down every word they hear him say to share with us and David, last week he said "nice" which made me very excited, this was in addition to the word "down". He's been trying to say go, which comes out gah but I know what he's saying.

We had a drive by here the day before Lex's birthday party, luckily none of us were home and the guy who shot at my neighbor has since been arrested. But since then I haven't felt safe in my home and I am looking for a place for us to move. There is one place I'm interested in moving us to but the bad news with that place would require us to find homes for two of our three cats. I know Lex's safety comes first but I love my kitties so it's tough.

Two years

This time two years ago I was getting my first dose of pitocin in hopes it would speed up the arrival of Lex. The last two years have had their trying times (reflux, middle of the night feedings, his refusal to latch) and amazing times (watching my son grow, his first steps across the apartment, everyday he smiles at me). I wouldn't change a thing about these last two years. I admit sometimes I'm envious of mom's who have kiddos that talk but you know what, he'll get there and I'll look back at these days and wonder what my hurry was. Tomorrow morning when I kiss him before I head to work I'll have a two year old, how'd that happen?

It's the little things

Tonight Lex amazed me. If you spend any time with my boy you find out that he's pretty independent but tonight we had a step in the other direction. There was a jim.my john.s cookie sitting on our kitchen table from last night, since he didn't want it then, and he grabbed it and rather than banging it on the floor or table to try to get it open himself he walked over to me and handed it to me and signed "more". While this isn't the sign we are trying to teach him for "help" it's still a sign that he's asking for something. I was almost in tears when he did this because he never asks for anything except more food or more movies. I feel like speech therapy is finally paying off.

Blessed

• Cold baby feet snuggling into my side.
• An excuse to watch Horton Hears A Who a dozen times a week.
• The best wild giggles at random times of the day.
• Hugs and slobbery kisses, raspberries and tickles.
• A shopping pal that rarely complains.
• A reason to play with every noise making toy in a store.
• Running down the street chasing a little boy headed for a park.
  
• A million reasons a day to take pictures.
• The cutest 7:30am alarm clock money can't buy.
• A husband who goes out of his way to spoil me.
• A family that would move mountains for me.
• Two amazing brothers that while they don't live close are still my closest friends.
• A beautiful cousin who has been my best friend for years.
• Friends by the handful with supportive words, thoughts and love.