What I wouldn't give

For my chart to tell me if I actually ovulated and if there is the slightest possibility of me being pregnant. I'm actually kind of upset about this not knowing because seeing those damned crosshairs gives me what I believe to be false hope. I suppose it's a good thing that I don't ovulate because then I can work on losing weight but I could care less about losing weight since I'm going to regain when I do become pregnant again. But I may not become pregnant if I don't lose weight... ugh!

I'm just gonna go curl up and cry for a bit...

Frustrating

Between my chart, my nausea and inability to get to the gym regularly I'm pretty frustrated.

My chart is all wonky. Fertility friend cannot seem to make a decision about when I possibly ovulated first it said cycle day 13 and then 14 and now is back to 13. I don't know that I believe that I actually ovulated but only time will tell.

I'm nauseous yet again. I was feeling pretty good this morning when I woke up and went to the gym. I felt pretty good when I got home and showered, fed Lex and ate breakfast and got the chili started in the slow cooker. I sat down after doing dishes to check boards, read email and blogs and started feeling queasy. I actually got up at one point and was dry heaving in the bathroom. I'm tired of being queasy. I am going to see a doc at my clinic today about the bruises that randomly appear after working out on my back and I may mention that I've been nauseous for almost a week.

I feel awful, except for the workout this morning I hadn't been to the gym in more than a week. How the hell am I going to lose weight if I don't buckle down? I need someone to be accountable to other than myself I think... too bad my gym doesn't offer a personal trainer.

We found out that Nate has obesity-related hepatitis based on his biopsy results. We won't know much more than that until he has his follow-up with Dr. Avello in August.

Blah

So this is ridiculous. Since my chart shows ovulation I'm going with it, being 4dpo I know there is no way I should be getting sick now, even with early implantation it's still too darn early. I implanted at 5dpo with Lex and started feeling queasy the next day, I'm queasy already, the past few days I've just felt pukey and been getting bad headaches... how I wish I knew what was going on... Only 10 more days until I test (and I have the test already).

Baffled

My chart is throwing me for a loop... I don't know what to think. I do have my regular progesterone migraine so maybe just maybe... take a look.

I wonder

Since I quit taking bcp I'm monitoring fertility signs just to see where I am in my cycle and I'm currently in a stretch of fertile signs that make me hope and dream but I know that I got fertile signs several times during cycles before I had Lex and it's highly unlikely that any of that has changed. Either way a girl can dream.

I've been super busy with work lately so I haven't had as much quality time with my boys. Nate works opposite of me so I almost never see him and that's tough. For example, tonight I could really go for some cuddling, a shoulder rub and some adult time but he won't get home for a few more hours and I'm super tired and have to be up for a shift early. At least I see Lex at night. He almost always gets super excited to see me and we play hard until it's time for him to eat dinner, then it's either a bath, cuddle and bed or more playing, cuddle and bed. He's been really sweet lately and wants to cuddle which is nice but he's been difficult to get to sleep and that's hard because I usually use that time to catch up on blogs and board postings and then chores and I haven't accomplished much in the past few days because of his refusal to sleep. Tonight I spent almost 2 hours trying to get him to sleep, only to get frustrated and walk out of his room leaving my computer to play some lullabies and him to cry. It worked but I was very frustrated and felt awful afterwards.

I haven't been to the gym in a few days because the only time I had available was super early which sucks. I was hoping to go tomorrow morning but apparently yesterday I slipped my shoulder out of joint and it really freakin hurts still. I refused the pain killers yesterday in the urgent care (I also like an idiot refused to file a work comp claim...) and I'm kicking myself for it. Hopefully it feels better after work Thursday because I'll have time and I'll be on campus so working out would be great, if nothing else I'll at least go and do cardio and lower body.

One weird thing I've noticed when I finish working out are bruises that have just appeared on my back, no injuries or anything but deep dark bruises. I'm going to see a doc at my practice (since my primary care doc recently graduated and I haven't chosen a new doc yet) on Tuesday, hopefully it's something simple.

I should head to bed, I have to be at work in 9 hours and it's going to be a long day.

Hoo-ah

I rejoined the gym at work and tonight was my first night going back and it felt freakin amazing! I have so much residual energy and that is great considering I worked for 8 hours prior to going to the gym. My immediate goal is to make it to the gym at least 5 days this week, next goal is to lose 5 pounds by my cousin's bachelorette party at the end of this month and 15 by her wedding at the end of August. Since I'm working at the hospital until well after her wedding I'll have no excuse not to go. I can either go before work and shower there or go after work. Either way my fat toosh is gonna lose some poundage before the wedding and hopefully enough to get me ovulating regularly so I can convince Nate to try again. Not to mention I'm sure more body confidence on my part will make our sex life better.

Why do I have to dream?

Seriously what is the point in my dreaming at night? Last night and when I napped this morning I had very vivid dreams that involved being pregnant, delivering a beautiful baby girl, and a bfp. These are all things I want very very very much and with the way my body has been with pcos these are things that are out of reach. It doesn't help that Nate doesn't want to try right now at least until we get a house and I understand that but I can't help what my heart wants. I woke up in tears this afternoon because I could still smell that beautiful baby smell. Don't get me wrong I love that smell on Lex but it was a little girl, I could see her namebands from the hospital and everything. There is no promise that when I do finally become pregnant again that I'll have a little girl but it was just so heartbreaking to wake up and realize it wasn't real.

I should focus on my weight loss until I can start ttc'ing again but I just can't. Ugh I'm so damn frustrating to myself.

In other news I sunburnt the crap outta myself yesterday while I was at the 4th parade. I put on two coatings of spf 50 and my chest still blistered, it sucks monkey balls. At least Lex didn't burn and except when he got a little fussy towards the end he seemed to enjoy himself. He slept like a rock when we go to my mom's for her bbq and then woke up cheerful and more than happy to play with his grandparents and Aunt Carlie (who is technically not his aunt until she marries my brother but I love her to death so she'll always be Aunt Carlie). If anyone knows any good sunburn remedies (other than aloe because I always break out in hives with aloe) I'm all ears (which amazingly didn't get burnt lol).

Nate is having his procedures (colonoscopy, upper endoscopy and liver biopsy) on Tuesday so if you're the praying type we'd appreciate it. He's really nervous about the results I'm more nervous about the actual day because he never does well with sedation, he's impossible to wake up, where I'm trying to help the post-op nurses right away when I wake up. I usually have to drag him up the stairs to our apartment and last time my brother was around and that was great because Matt is so much stronger than I am but now Nate is quite a bit heavier and I have to get him up the stairs on my own since his mom will be with Lex.

Aunt Flo is evil

After delaying for a few days and making me a little nervous Aunt Flo has arrived and now I'm wishing she'd take a hike. Between the cramps and the migraine that won't budge I'm pretty miserable, it's a good thing Lex is in a good mood. Now I just have to predict how long it'll be until my next visit after this one, admittedly I wouldn't mind if she took a hike for 10 months or so and I get a baby out of the deal but realistically I don't see that happening, besides my friend needs a bfp first. Besides I have to watch Mr. Lex pretty constantly lately, he's crawling everywhere and pulling up on things, he's growing up on me... it's exciting and sad all at the same time.

I need a friend

Things aren't so great right now and I could use a friend, that's when I realize I don't have a lot of friends IRL... life sucks.

5 years

Nate and I have been married for 5 years yesterday and I can't believe it's been that long. We've had our share of ups and downs. We began our marriage with him being deployed for 9 months, not ideal conditions to begin a new life. His return from Bosnia was tough as well, I had expectations for him to come home and help me and he was still in military mode where everything was provided for him. That first year he was home was incredibly difficult, we fough a lot and we didn't seem to understand each other the way we had before we were married. Next came financial problems, I had spent far more than I should have when he was deployed and I wasn't very good at balancing out what we could spend and what we couldn't afford, we are still making up for that. Once we had worked on our marriage and had bills under control and headed back in the right direction we decided it was really time to start trying to have a baby. We hadn't been preventing since we had been dating, I've always had problems with birth control, once he proposed I stopped all birth control. I spent two years not preventing and not understanding how conception really works. I tried for another year without any assistance before I was referred to Dr. Sebastian who diagnosed me with PCOS and we began the year of medicated cycles. That was probably the toughest year of us trying, every cycle I had hope and almost every cycle that hope was crushed. We had more cancelled cycles than successful attempts. In that year we had a loss that took a massive toll on our hearts. When our second IUI ended in failure we decided to take a year off for me to attend school and save up for IVF. That's when my miracle boy happened. I was shocked that my body actually worked the way it was supposed to and even more shocked that I actually got pregant. Lex made his arrival in October and I still managed to finish school this past spring (only 4 months later than planned).

Nate is definitely the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with even though some days he makes me absolutely bonkers. We have some work to do on our marriage because I still get frustrated with him but we'll make it work. Hopefully in 5 more years I'll be reviewing again and I'll have another little one to mention (hint hint honey....)