Thanksgiving and other ramblings

Thanksgiving has come and gone leaving in it's wake some hurt feelings and sadness. This is the last thanksgiving one of my grandmothers will be living in the house she shared with her husband of many years. It was an odd feeling being at her house without Ray being there and while it's sad that she has to move out of her home because that odd feeling follows her around every day that she lives there I'm happy for her. She is moving to a smaller apartment near my house and near my aunt and uncle, it is literally within walking distance for me and Lex.

The hurt feelings came from my other grandmother. She decided to host dinner for my mom's side of the family this year, in her small apartment. This meant containing my rambunctious son in one room filled with fragile items. Needless to say he had several melt downs and his mommy had a couple herself. I ended up not eating dinner because I was so frustrated my stomach was in knots and then my grandmother's off handed comment about Lex's squeals (at that moment they were squeals of joy because he was playing with my dad) and not knowing how I could handle them. My mom came to my defense saying that I do it just how she did it with her kids and my mom and aunt did with her kids, of course grandma couldn't take that as an answer, she had to say that my mom and aunt never screamed like that. It frustrated me to tears. She doesn't get that he has certain problems her girls never had.

Speaking of Lex's problems he is in occupational therapy again, one hour a week. The therapist told Nate she's going to teach us techniques to help him meet his sensory needs. We are going to learn brushing and joint compression as well as how to help him separate himself to regather and come back when he's overwhelmed. We bought him a tent to do that at home but it's so large we can't take it with us everywhere. I can't wait to learn these techniques and teach his teachers at daycare so we can help him to the best of our abilities. I want to get him involved in the Scottish Rite Center but we have limitations in time with Nate being in school and me needing to bring home the bacon. We'll just have to see what the future brings.

"The elephant in the playroom"

Friday we made our almost monthly trip to Barnes and Noble to satisfy my need for new reading material on Sensory Processing Disorder and any other disorder that Lex could fit into, to try to give me new insight on what I can do to help my darling boy. While looking through the shelf where they have books on "Special Needs Children" (yes that is what the shelf was labeled... ugh) I stumbled upon the book titled above. It's a compilation of essays done by parents of children with developmental disorders ranging from sensory processing disorder, to ADHD, to Autism, to other physical and learning disabilities. I am only to the second chapter but it makes me feel like I'm not alone with a "difficult" child. (I knew before I'm not, but some days are harder than others to remember that).
The second chapter is about taking care of yourself in order to take care of your child. This, I have to say, is where I find myself faltering most days. I can give and give and give until I'm blue in the face but when it comes down to taking care of me I just can't take the time. I can't take the time away from Lex to exercise or to eat right. I feel awful when I have to take time away from him to do laundry or dishes, but in reality these things are for him too. I just have to work on this with Nate, doing a tag team with him so that I have time to be Cate instead of Mommy all the time.
This past Thursday we took Lex up to the largest college in the area to join a program with other children that are non-verbal. It's a combination program, they work with him and they work with us. After dinner they separate parents from children and we parents have a class on the topic of the week. Last week's topic was about other forms of communicating and how to follow our children and encourage them to communicate more. Then we break off with the student that is supposed to work with our child and they take them into a room with a one way window and we watch them play with him and then we switch to show what we've learned. It's kind of odd playing with Lex with someone watching and taping it but we managed.
Initially when I was getting information about this program I was worried that Lex was going to be the youngest by far but there is another little boy who just turned two there. Lex once again showed that he is the ring leader, after dinner he took off to play (he's not shy by any means) and figured out he could reach the light switch so he turned it off, and then it went off 3 other times, he had showed the other kids how to do it. He also decided that night he wasn't terribly interested in playing with the student that was working with him (she was a fill in for our regular one since our's had no voice), he decided that once she followed him to all the toys in the room he was going to tune her out the best way he knows possible, by spinning. I've found recently he will close himself off by spinning because then I don't really know if he's paying attention to me, it suits his purpose. I also think it's calming for him because it puts him in control. The only other thing that he finds calming is running a tag between his fingers, his daycare teachers give him a pair of shorts he has there when he's really frustrated and it calms him down, here he has a couple of blankets that he grabs and rubs that tag.
While I'm sitting here writing all I can think is how much easier this would all be for me if I knew a diagnosis. Working in the medical field with hopes of going to med school in the future I know a diagnosis generally leads to a treatment that is most appropriate for that diagnosis. While I know speech therapy is an appropriate treatment for a speech delay but I think we are past that possible diagnosis at this point. He was in occupational therapy for sensory processing disorder when we were going through the hospital and I feel that he should still be in occupational therapy (something I will be changing at the next IEP meeting as he qualifies for those services). While I feel some days like sensory processing is the answer there are certain things he does that makes me question if there's not something more going on there. A diagnosis would have my grandmother stop telling me there is nothing wrong with him that a change in my parenting wouldn't fix. But no matter what my little man is still amazing to me.

Good days and bad days

We've been having some good days here lately. Lex had his second birthday party and he loved it. We had several little boys running around our little apartment and playing together, it was so cute. We also had a conference with Lex's daycare teachers and it went wonderfully. His teachers told us how fun he is to have in class and how much they enjoy having David, Lex's speech therapist, come in to work with Lex, them and the other kids in his class. They have worked it out with the director of the center so that until Lex has caught up to other kids his age he'll stay in the 18-23 months class. His teachers also told me they are writing down every word they hear him say to share with us and David, last week he said "nice" which made me very excited, this was in addition to the word "down". He's been trying to say go, which comes out gah but I know what he's saying.

We had a drive by here the day before Lex's birthday party, luckily none of us were home and the guy who shot at my neighbor has since been arrested. But since then I haven't felt safe in my home and I am looking for a place for us to move. There is one place I'm interested in moving us to but the bad news with that place would require us to find homes for two of our three cats. I know Lex's safety comes first but I love my kitties so it's tough.

Two years

This time two years ago I was getting my first dose of pitocin in hopes it would speed up the arrival of Lex. The last two years have had their trying times (reflux, middle of the night feedings, his refusal to latch) and amazing times (watching my son grow, his first steps across the apartment, everyday he smiles at me). I wouldn't change a thing about these last two years. I admit sometimes I'm envious of mom's who have kiddos that talk but you know what, he'll get there and I'll look back at these days and wonder what my hurry was. Tomorrow morning when I kiss him before I head to work I'll have a two year old, how'd that happen?

It's the little things

Tonight Lex amazed me. If you spend any time with my boy you find out that he's pretty independent but tonight we had a step in the other direction. There was a jim.my john.s cookie sitting on our kitchen table from last night, since he didn't want it then, and he grabbed it and rather than banging it on the floor or table to try to get it open himself he walked over to me and handed it to me and signed "more". While this isn't the sign we are trying to teach him for "help" it's still a sign that he's asking for something. I was almost in tears when he did this because he never asks for anything except more food or more movies. I feel like speech therapy is finally paying off.

Blessed

• Cold baby feet snuggling into my side.
• An excuse to watch Horton Hears A Who a dozen times a week.
• The best wild giggles at random times of the day.
• Hugs and slobbery kisses, raspberries and tickles.
• A shopping pal that rarely complains.
• A reason to play with every noise making toy in a store.
• Running down the street chasing a little boy headed for a park.
  
• A million reasons a day to take pictures.
• The cutest 7:30am alarm clock money can't buy.
• A husband who goes out of his way to spoil me.
• A family that would move mountains for me.
• Two amazing brothers that while they don't live close are still my closest friends.
• A beautiful cousin who has been my best friend for years.
• Friends by the handful with supportive words, thoughts and love.
  

Stress

Stress does a lot of bad things to me, always has. When I was in college I would get chest pain on days that were particularly stressful. When I would float out to clinics I wasn't familiar with I would have panic attacks. I've always had problems with my muscles tightening up while under stress and lately that's been my big problem (that and stress eating). As much as I want to lose weight I can't because it hurts to exercise when my back and shoulder muscles are in giant knots and then you add on my massive craving for chocolate when I'm stressed and I've hit a plateau, which of course stresses me out further.

Now you may be asking, "What's stressing you out Cate?" And it's a combination of things, work has been particularly stressful since I'm working all sorts of hours with many different doctors, doing flu shots and just trying to help out where I can.
My home life isn't easy right now. Nate will be losing his job October 30th, he's in school full time and with my goofy hours at work Lex is in daycare more than I like. So money is about to get tighter and expenses aren't getting any lighter.
Then there is Lex's therapy. While Nate and his therapist David feel good about it I worry. Maybe it's just because I'm so over protective of my little boy I worry about how every session is going to be, I worry that we aren't doing enough for him and in the end I worry that he'll never catch up to his peers. I can hear the sympathetic thoughts now, that I shouldn't worry and he has plenty of time but imagine it's your child, wouldn't you worry too. I don't know why I was chosen to have a child that has challenges most of his peers don't have and most days I do feel blessed to have him but some days I wish we could just carry on the back and forth play and "conversations" about what we see. I know when we do hit those milestones I will be incredibly happy but right now it's tough.

I know everyone has their ups and downs and I'm in the downs right now but at least I know there isn't anywhere to go but up.

Borrowed from a friend

I have this wonderful friend, we have never met in person but she is just amazing. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what I'm thinking as she always has the right things to say to me. This morning is Lex's last speech therapy through the hospital and to be honest I'm a little worried about switching to the birth to three since we have to wait a week for that transition to start but then I found this on my friend's blog this morning and after bringing me to tears I realized I am making the right choice for my son.

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew.

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia.

"Rudledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint...give her Gerard, He's used to profanity."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it.

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child who is less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word." She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance, cruelty, prejudice... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

By Erma Bombeck

Changes

Our life has been full of changes lately.

Nate's employer was bought out and we were told in order for him to keep his job we'd have to move 4 hours south. After much thought and a small argument we decided staying here was in our best interest.

I'm losing weight like crazy due to the help bye.tta gives me and the fact that I am trying really hard to work out daily. I even got the EA Sports act.ive today in hopes that will motivate me more. Overall I'm down 17 pounds since April by my scale, I'll see what the one at the dr office says on the 31st.

My favorite doctor in the whole world left the family practice I go to. I hope she has much success in her future endeavors. Dr S is absolutely wonderful, she was the resident when my induction with Lex was started and because of that wonderful experience of her sitting and watching Scrubs with us she was my family practice doc after my last one graduated. I see a new one on the 31st that I've heard good things about.

Lex is now going to be getting his speech therapy through the birth to 3 program. My little man is approximately 9 months behind on his vocal speech and a little less than that on other skills. I have high hopes for this change because they asked us what we wanted him to accomplish in 6 months and then how often we thought he should have therapy. His therapist will see him twice a week, once with us and once at daycare. They also gave us several ideas for us to work on things at home.

According to his OT evaluation at St Luke's he has a sensory processing disorder but the OT for birth to 3 thought it was more behavioral. While I can see her point I also look at the scores of the test she had me fill out and he is borderline for "performance at risk" on most of the sensory processing skills and actually at risk for his auditory processing. We'll see what time and hard work will do for him.

My baby is no longer a baby, he is definitely turning into a little kid. We have been venturing to a bigger park near our house and he likes to sit on the "big kid" swings and go down slides without me (good thing too I get sea sick going down the twisty slides). I'm really proud of my little guy and every day is a new adventure with him.

Waiting...

Last week we had an intake meeting with the birth to 3 program and now we are waiting for Lex to have his evaluations with the early childhood educator, speech-language pathologist and occupational therapist. I hate waiting when it comes to Lex and his already non-verbal nature. I know in the mean time he's in speech at St. Luke's but still. I think being at home would help him learn faster because he's just too interested in everything in Jack's office. All I know is that I'm thankful for some of the friend's I have who are being so supportive and helpful with all my fears.