Treatments

I saw Dr Sebastian today for my first fertility appointment. I will be starting femara on cycle day 3 of my next cycle. I am incredibly excited. This is supposed to be more effective than clomid which is good. I need to lose weight per his orders as well since that will increase my odds. I'm optimistic that Lex will be a big brother in the next year to year and a half. I hope we get lucky.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? As you know I've done my best to be good this year so I'm hoping to ask you for a couple of things. The first being a bfp. I would really like a second child so Lex has a little sibling to love just as much as I love my brothers. Next, I would like Nate to be spoiled rotten. He has worked so hard between school and work and taking care of me and Lex he definitely deserves something wonderful. For Lex, can you bring him a couple of books and some more snow? He loves playing in the snow and I want there to be plenty for him to play in.

Thank you Santa and have a safe trip.

Cate

I ~LOVE~ my dr

Last week I had a mole on my leg removed because it had been changing and there is a history of skin cancer in my family. (I had some atypical cells in the mole, not cancer yet but headed that way.) This week when I went in to have the suture removed my doctor brought up our attempts at trying for another "beautiful" child. (She absolutely loves Lex and gushes over him everytime I see her, I'm honestly tempted to see if when I take Lex to see Santa this weekend Santa'll let me sit on his lap for a picture too to mail her in a Christmas card). Since she knows I know what I'm doing when it comes to ttcing she wanted to check on how things are going. She offered me metformin and more prometrium and I gladly took them. She also made me a referral to get assistance with fertility treatments, mainly clomid. I'm really excited about this. I've never had a dr take such an interest in me.

Sorry I haven't been blogging more lately, it's been a very busy couple of weeks at work and so my life has been very boring. There is good news from that front. The manager at the clinic I'm at insists that he will be hiring me for one of the upcoming openings. If he had his way he wouldn't be putting the job up as open but there are rules about that. It's always great to know I'm needed at that clinic.

Airing it out

This is a vent yet again about my craptastical luck when it comes to trying to get pregnant so if you don't want to read it I understand go ahead and skip over. If you are one of my beautiful pregnant friends please do not take any offense as I could not be any happier that you are being blessed with a child (be it your first or your fourth).

PCOS sucks monkey balls! I am on cycle day 49, my chart claims to be 11dpo and I just ~know~ tomorrow will be yet another negative test. Everywhere I look there are pregnant women, in my family in my friendships and most definitely at work (the downfall of working for a family practice doctor and knowing I'll be covering another maternity leave starting in January). I'm pissed off that my cycles are 2-4 times longer than a "normal" woman's, I'm pissed off that I don't seem to ovulate without much assistance. I'm pissed off that I have next to no libido and never feel attractive because of the damn extra weight and hair that PCOS has packed on my body. I'm pissed off that I can't let myself have the optimism that Lex will be a big brother in the near future, simply because I know how long it took get pregnant, stay pregnant and have my son. All I've ever wanted was to be the mother of 3 children, a mother like my mom was. I've comprimised with Nate that we'll have just 2 and I can only hope I'll be as good as my mom was. I'm frustrated that I can't feel happy for my friends that are pregnant without feeling that pang of jealousy and thinking "how come it was so easy for them? Why can't I get pregnant that fast?" I'm tired of crying myself to sleep over something that should not consume my life so much. And even though I'm not alone I feel that way so much right now. Bear with me my friends, one day I'll either give up or get pregnant and won't be such an annoying whiner...

So torn

I found out earlier this week that my eldest niece is currently expecting her first child and while I am happy and excited for her and her fiance, I'm also upset. Anyone who has dealt with infertility knows what I'm talking about, you can be so happy for the person expecting the blessing but you still have the thought "why not me?" and you have a hard time with that mixed emotion. I also worry about her, she just started college, she has a wedding to plan and there are some other concerns I'd rather not write about. Going to college and being pregnant was incredibly difficult and I had a one year program, I don't know how long her program is. I hear she has really bad morning sickness and although mine was bad I had been lucky in that my teachers understood, Nate spoiled me rotten and I had prescriptions for anti-nausea pills. I wish I could be down there for her, maybe that would be more therapeutic for me being there for her and my future great-niece/nephew (I for the record think she's having a girl...)

Operation get pregnant

Since Nate is on board to get preggers and I already know I'm pretty much back on the annovulatory bandwagon (my friends on facebook should check out the infertility cause I started) I'm scheming ways to hopefully get me pregnant before Lex's second birthday.

The first is the herbal route. I bought this tea called Fertilitea which contains vitex, red raspberry leaf, green tea, ladies mantle and nettle leaf. I'm also taking evening primrose oil in addition to my multivitamin (I can't swallow the prenatal vitamins without gagging so I take two chewable centrum) and calcium. I drink the tea 2-3 times a day and take 3 epo capsules.

The second is exercise. The only way to control PCOS aside from medication is diet and exercise. So I've made the decision that I really need to start exercising regularly. Right now the plan is to put Lex to bed at night and bust out the work out tapes on nights Nate works. On nights he's home I'll either attempt to make it up to the gym at the hospital or at the very least do yoga in the mornings.

The third plan is changing my diet. I am addicted to candy and sugar. I literally crave it all day every day so I need to limit the amount I intake. Not to mention the carbs I love so much (as I type this I'm chowing down on graham crackers). I need to become good friends with protein.

The fourth is getting some assistance from my doctor. I will ask her when I see her in a couple weeks about checking my hemoglobin a1c, random glucose, follicle stimulating hormone, lutenizing hormone, testosterone, and progesterone. Then if we can rationalize starting some sort of medication for my PCOS (thinking like metformin ... although I would prefer actos) we can get that started. Or heck she may refer me to an endocrinologist to see what he can recommend.

All in all I hope it doesn't take until Lex's 5th birthday to concieve another child.

One word.

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Red
4. Your mother? Gorgeous
5. Your father? Amazing
6. Your favorite thing? Sleep
7. Your dream last night? Dunno
8. Your dream/goal? Medicine
9. The room you’re in? Front
10. Your hobby? Playing
11. Your fear? Bees
12. Where do you want to be in six years? School
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you’re not? Strong
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? Superior
17. The last thing you did? Nap
18. What are you wearing? PJs
19. Your T.V.? Playmates
20. Your pet? Cats
21. Your computer? Small
22. Your mood? Ok
23. Missing someone? No
24. Your car? Neon
25. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
26. Favorite store? Walmart
27. Your Summer? Short
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? Morning
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

My seven...
1. Katie
2. Nancy
3. Sarah
4.Alison
5. Kailah
6. Jessi
7. Nicole

Bunnies

I've decided that there is nothing sexier than a man who goes on and on about how awesome spending the day with his son is and thus Nate and I have been like bunnies lately and I'm hoping my body will decide it's a good time to ovulate and we'll get lucky. I've been working with a very pregnant woman at work and the girl I'm covering for had a baby on Lex's birthday and brought him in this week so my baby fever is through the roof. I was watching news at my mom's house tonight and it showed a brother and sister, the sister was dressed as an angel and brother as a devil and I looked at Nate and said maybe we could do that next year... only I want two boys so we'd have to do something slightly different. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays because I love seeing all the kids dressed up and my son is no exception so I'll leave you all with a picture of our little cub.

Yay!

I've convinced Nate that we should try for another baby! I'm so excited! Now I just hope it won't take as long this time around but we'll see. My doc has told me that when we are ready to start using medications she'll be more than willing to help us out.

I really like Dr Sprengler, today we were discussing my celexa and I mentioned my nervousness in using it while we are ttc'ing because of the whole possibility of using it during early pregnancy so she called over to the OB office to find out what they would recommend if she needed to change it or I could stay on it and they told her it was their number one choice for post-partum depression moms that want to try for another baby. She also took a look in my ears because they've been bothering me for about a month now but when I went and had them looked at again before I was told there was no infection just fluid. When she looked today the eardrums were bulging with fluid but there was no sign of infection, however, she did a tympanometry test and my left eardrum moved like it was supposed to but the right one didn't move at all so she referred me to an ear, nose and throat (ENT) dr. There is a chance I'll need tubes she warned me but if it drains this damn fluid I'll be happy.

I'm still awaiting the results of the job interview, I hope I get the job but if not no loss, I can apply again for the new dr that will be hired this spring. Besides this was probably not a good week for me to interview... the day I interviewed I had a significant exposure (aka needle stick). I was giving immunizations and the baby moved and I tried to activate the needle cover to protect the baby and instead got my finger. Thankfully the blood tests the baby had done came back normal so far. I also got my certification papers this week and so I'll be getting a raise soon.

Frustrations

I've determined that I've been frustrated with life lately, the damn curveballs get to me more than they should and maybe it's because I feel like I'm deserving of some things that maybe I'm not. I feel like getting pregnant this time around should be easier, after all 4 1/2 years of tears and frustrations to have Lex felt like more than necessary. I feel that my husband should be more willing to try for another baby because that means more sex something he always wants. I feel that he should want to see me happy with two little children because I put in so much work here taking care of our house and our son and really another child is all I want. I feel like I deserve the job I'm applying for tomorrow because I've put in my dues doing float work, coming in when needed and not scheduled, working hard to learn what I need to do at each clinic, fighting to fit in at clinic after clinic. I feel that my friend who's been ttcing for so damn long should be blessed with a child before any other woman I know who hasn't been through that long journey is. I know life isn't fair but wouldn't it be nice if it was once in a while?