Mommy State of Mind

Makes me sick to my stomach and Lex's conference

2011-11-16T11:44:00.000-06:00

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45302947/ns/today-parenting/t/teachers-caught-tape-bullying-special-needs-girl/#.TsK-TIAbVEF

This makes me absolutely ill! How could a person who is entrusted to educate and care for a child with any type of special needs do this? I've had run in's with Lex's former daycare teachers that weren't capable to handle his special needs but a teacher who's sole job is to educate children that require extra time, love and effort treating a child like this makes me want to raise hell. Kids are mean enough to each other, especially at 14 that a teacher is supposed to help protect and foster growth and kindness not act like the school yard jerk.

We have been so blessed since getting Lex out of the daycare that couldn't handle him. Pam, his daycare provider, is a saint. She has 3 boys on the spectrum in her care and I've seen her patience both in person and by the way Lex has grown since starting there. We also have his teachers at school, Miss Carol and Miss Annie, and their aides to thank because I know he can be very trying to deal with but it shows me he's loved when a teacher calls me on the weekend after he injures himself at daycare to make sure he's doing alright and she comes up with special sensory activities to help keep him engaged. Heck his teacher used her private funds to order special "chewies" for him to use because she noticed he's very orally fixated. It meant the world to me when I went to his conference this week and she couldn't help but gush over how great he's doing and how excited she is to try new things with him.

Speaking of his conference she gave me a long list of his successes since starting the school year and here they are:

Identifies letters in his name. He is also starting to identify other letters in his classmate's names.
Counts 1 to 12.
Follows picture schedule book. He is also repeating directions like "circle" and "eat".
Able to attend circle time for up to 20 minutes. He usually sits with assistance, holds onto a fidget item (chewies, picture) and is trying to sing and/or do the actions.
He focuses on things he likes. Tracing letters, building trains, copying patterns, computer play (matching colors and letters) and cutting and gluing.
Willing to try new things. (He doesn't like gooey sensations) Shaving cream, Finger painting and touched pumpkin "guts".
Manners. At breakfast he says please, thank you and all done. Apologizes: sorry, its ok, nice. Covers his own cough and says hi and bye every day.
Appropriate protesting. At the beginning of the year he always just screamed now he says "no" and "stop it".
Identifies and chooses feelings like happy, sad, mad and tired.
Toileting. They have a routine of "ready, set, go" to get him to sit for a 10 count since he doesn't like to sit on the toilet.
More willing to help during undesirable times; cleaning up toys, etc (with assistance).
Beginning to make a choice between 2 objects using pictures versus just wanting to take both objects or pictures.

His occupational therapist was impressed with his improving fine motor skills. One of the goals that was set for this year was to have him string beads onto a shoe lace 3 of 5 attempts. He has mastered it for almost every attempt. Usually she has him sitting in the swing or on a cushion that makes him stabilize himself while he does it but she's so impressed.

His speech therapist plans on sending home a list of words for me to fill out so we can accurately see what he's saying there and here to figure out how many spoken words he's using regularly (which is always changing because now he asks for "Mater" when he wants to watch Mater's Tall Tales and last night he asked for "chock-it nilk").

I'm impressed with my son everyday, it amazes me to think that in two and a half years we went from "mama" to nearing 100 spoken words.

My education

2011-10-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

I've had a lot of time to think lately and I've determined that as hard as Lex's diagnoses of autism and sensory processing disorder were for me to handle initially now they are a blessing.

Where else can you get an education that takes you so far outside yourself for free?

I had to learn that typical doesn't mean better it just means similar to others. I love that Lex isn't typical. It means I get to enjoy every word, every new skill and every sign of affection because they were fought for. This isn't to say if he were like his neurotypical peers I wouldn't enjoy him but it gives me a chance to enjoy him more.

I'm not the only one that gets the advantage of a Lex based education. The kids in his daycare get a special treat when Lex wants to play and be part of their games. These kids are truly wonderful people. More often than not the twins (E and O) ask me if Lex has school each day and when they find out he does and won't be staying to play they let me know how bummed they are that Lex won't be there with them. One little girl (C) is so his daycare mommy. She wakes him gently after nap and frequently sits with him and rubs his back when he's upset. She is also patient when it comes to him interfering with what she's doing or when he's more rough with her. She almost never tattles on him but instead uses her gentle nature to coax him into doing what she wants. Her sister (H) is absolutely in love with Lex. When we come in she always yells out for Lex by name and wants to be near him. She is a little less than 2 years younger than him so he feels most comfortable with her because her speech and skills are closer to his own than the other kids (who are all right around his age but are on track for speech and other developmental milestones). Lex loves to play with H's curly hair and she loves to let him because it's obvious that they care for each other. When I go to pick up Lex H always brings his toys and shoes to him and walks with him to the door. When her and C's dad gets to daycare before we leave Lex even shows him love (frequent hugs and Lex has given him a couple of kisses).

What Lex has taught me is that it's okay not to fit into the box that other people expect you to be in. That being yourself is far more fun. He has showed me that even hard times can be worth it for the smiles and kisses that come later. I can ignore rude people in the store so much easier now than before because I'm proud that Lex wants to be heard when we're at Walmart even if it causes the old people to scowl. He's letting me see that a simple trip to get milk is an adventure and should be enjoyed as such. He also has taught me that I don't need to care what people think because he doesn't. I'm sure as time goes on he'll start to realize he is different from his friends but if the kids at daycare are any indication of the kids that want to be around him I'm sure he'll do just fine. We can always continue to educate others on what it is to be autistic.

Autistic in our world means being: mysterious, talented, silly, caring, exceptional, funny, brilliant, smart, unique, gifted, curious, brave, zany, keen, fun, interesting, happy, clever, intriguing, sensitive, goofy, aware, blessed, musical, human, lively, capable, sharp, energetic, extraordinary, intelligent, expressive, artistic, comedic, charismatic, active, witty, able, bright, quick, wise, kind, productive, humorous, original, remarkable, inventive, loving, strong, amusing, imaginative, cool, creative, special, soulful, amazing, joyful, spirited, inspirational and surprising. In our house it means being anything and everything Lex wants to be including the best teacher a mom could ask for.

Why single parenting works... for me

2011-07-19T22:31:00.000-05:00

I feel like I need to put a disclaimer here. Nate and I have separated again but this isn't meant to be a slam against him. He is a wonderful father to Lex but he and I couldn't find common ground to continue being partners in life.

But back to my original point single parenting works for me. The good and the bad, the easy and difficult, it all falls in my lap and while sometimes I wish there was a second adult around to handle things or to free me up to handle them I am making it work. I tend to have a very take charge attitude to get things done from cleaning to getting Lex out the door on time. Without another adult here it can be difficult but at the same time it seems easier. I don't have high expectations that won't be met, I know what my capabilities are and what will be done when.There is no hoping that dishes will have been washed while I was at work, unless my cats suddenly learn how to do the dishes, because they are my responsibility and I know that they'll get done when I have time.
I get to enjoy all the positives that come with single parenting, snuggles on the couch, kisses for getting a sippy cup of milk and endless laughs. Tonight was a great example of that. It was raining when I picked up Lex from daycare so we scurried to the car. Upon returning home Lex climbed out of the car and raced to the nearest puddle giggling the whole time. I coaxed him into the house long enough to get the dog on the leash and out the door again where Lex and I got to stomp in puddles while the dog whimpered because he doesn't like being outside when it's sunny and really doesn't like the rain. It was a battle to get Lex to come back in so I could make dinner and clean but I did it and he didn't stay mad at me for long. We ate and played and eventually he came into the kitchen and grabbed my hand to pull me away from the cleaning so we could snuggle before he fell asleep. I treasure these moments.

Long time no post

2011-06-15T14:35:00.000-05:00

There have been so many changes in my life since the last time I was able to post (no internet at home the last few months).

Nate is living with us again and our divorce has been cancelled. Things are still tough frequently but we are working on it.He is employed and helping around the house with less reminders so I'm more confident that with time and effort we can make things work.

Lex is growing and blossoming everyday just like the sunflowers we planted for Mother's day. He started speech therapy at Scottish Rite and with the help and patience of Miss Tamara he is saying more words and using more signs with regularity. If I had to guess I would say he has no less than 50-75 words now, a massive increase from just a year ago. He is also showing growth in places he has been delayed, he is attending to tasks, using his utensils and even helping me clean up when we take out toys. He finished his first year of school last week and we did the IEP for next year. His teacher, speech therapist and occupational therapist were all very impressed with his gains and absolutely enjoy having him in class. His teacher sent home a toy microphone on the last day with a note on it telling him he has a beautiful voice, I love his school. One of my favorite things Lex learned was the letters in his name and how to spell it. Admittedly it isn't his birth name (Alexander is a few too many letters and difficult to navigate not to mention we almost never call him Alexander) but hearing him say "L-E-X" and showing me the letters is adorable. We are working on writing the letters but he recognizes them. Our big goal before next school year is potty training, he shows little interest except when I attempt to put him in a diaper (long trips out of the house or at bedtime) so I'm hoping with the assistance of daycare he'll get there sooner than later.

I've been doing alright, logging lots of time at work, not as much time or effort with exercise but all in all still good. We've entered the busy time at work with lots of school physicals coming in and lots of kids needing shots but I love it. Giving shots is one of the things I do best (not just my opinion I've been told that many times) so I really look forward to this time of year not to mention who could pass up seeing lots of cute almost kindergarten age kids?

2011-01-12T21:53:00.000-06:00

Angels

2011-01-12T21:22:00.000-06:00

Even with all the difficulties I've been having lately one thing I haven't had a hard time finding is angels in the flesh, I work with them on a daily basis.

When I'm having a particularly hard time being a single mom I have a clinic full of people who are at my side giving me ideas and volunteering to help where they can. As stubborn as I am I usually turn down the help and tell them that just getting everything off my chest is the best gift they can give me. But these men and women are smarter than that. They know that a lot of my stress comes from finances and that I am dead set against asking for help unless I absolutely need it. While I hadn't said I needed it these angels took a gathering in the office and presented me with an envelope of money to help make things easier. I was totally shocked and immediately grateful. That envelope meant diapers, a new backpack for Lex since his broke earlier this week and then gas for my car so I can make it to work next week. It meant the world to me that they would do this for us. Every time I think about it I start crying because I don't know how I got to be so blessed with such wonderful coworkers/friends/family. I wish I could do something just as touching in each and every one of their lives because this made a huge impact on ours

Anger

2011-01-09T21:12:00.000-06:00

I have a lot of problems with my anger. I can usually control it, especially when I'm around Lex (who incidentally has my hot temper) but I find that once I'm angry I tend to stay that way for hours to days. I'm harboring a lot of anger lately when it comes to things with Nate, especially bills or expenses and feeling like he gets to live relatively stress free in that aspect. Now don't get me wrong I don't blame him for all of the money problems I'm dealing with, I caused some of it too but I feel like I have to handle all the mistakes myself. I have a hard time talking to him because I'm in a constant state of stress, work causes stress, being home causes stress and my child that doesn't communicate like other kids his age causes stress and all this stress causes me to get angry. I feel like he's gloating when we talk because he gets to go out with his friends, he gets to do fun things that I can't afford to do or can't do because Lex is with me more often than not. I get angry when I hear about all the fun things he has planned for Lex's visits because he never wanted to do anything like that when he lived with us because he was always too tired or he just didn't want to.

I know I shouldn't get angry about these things because it just draws energy out of me and I should be happy that Nate wants to take Lex out to do fun things when they are together but sometimes I just can't help it. I had put everything I had into trying to make sure we could live comfortably, that Nate could attend school and do well,that Lex was getting all the therapy and one on one play time he needs and trying to make my marriage work. Once the work on the marriage fell through I was left wondering what went wrong. Yes, I'm the one that asked Nate to move out but I still blame myself for not being patient enough, for not giving him a stern enough warning to want to make the changes necessary for things to get better. I'm angry at myself for what I view as failing, I'm angry at Nate for not taking the necessary steps to help me on a daily basis and to help with Lex and the housework, for not attending classes and keeping down a job until we had managed to catch up on bills. But all this anger doesn't do me any good, it just makes me feel drained.

Frustration

2011-01-09T20:52:00.000-06:00

This last few days have been very frustrating for me. My favorite coworker (and very good friend) was off due to a medical procedure she had to have and while we joke that she and I run the clinic I realized this week that it is sort of true. I had so many questions directed to me that I honestly contemplated hiding out in an empty exam room just to avoid the extra questions. In addition to having to do my regular vaccine and medication ordering I had to order supplies since that is normally her responsibility. I just hope I didn't screw that up at all.

Normally I work with one doc 3 days a week and then another on Thursdays. This Thursday he started later than normal but I still got to the clinic early figuring I would use that time to catch up on messages and prescriptions but instead I spent the extra 45 minutes before his first patient stocking his rooms. His other assistant obviously hadn't put any new supplies in there in a while since there were a lot of expired items that I threw out and he had to covers for the otoscope in one room. Now I normally just mutter under my breath and maybe complain to another assistant or two because it's not really my responsibility to keep these rooms stocked but I never say anything to our manager. (I'm responsible for the 2 rooms that my regular doc uses and she never runs out of supplies because I get in early on Tuesdays to make sure we have plenty of supplies for the next week.) This time I had enough, I went to the manager and explained I understand that this nurse has a harder time keeping up with patient flow, messages and prescriptions because of the way she works but I had enough of having to stock these rooms when I know she has the time to do it because she is frequently off chatting instead of in her office. I told him that if he and the doctor wanted me to stock those rooms I would do it but otherwise I want the normal nurse to do it. I came up with a form last year to make sure we check all the items in our rooms for expiration dates and the nurse I was having problems with hadn't used hers at all as far as I could tell. My manager said he would discuss it with her when she returns to work and thanked me profusely for taking the initiative to make sure the doc had the supplies he would need and checking expiration dates.

The next day the nurse I was having problems with called in sick as she does pretty frequently (or she shows up late without any warning for the rest of us). My manager called me around 7am to see if I could work the rest of the day since I was only scheduled to work the morning with my regular doc. I told him I had several things I had to do but I would stay if they needed me. Luckily he found a float to come in so I didn't have to stay the whole day but instead I had to help the floats that were covering 2 of the 5 docs in office. Covering that many messages and prescriptions isn't usually a problem but we had really over booked my doc. So instead of doing just her messages and prescriptions I had hers and 3 other docs' stuff open. At work I'm pretty easily flustered if I don't feel like I'm making good progress and it didn't feel like I was on Friday. I still managed to get it all done but an hour and a half after I was supposed to leave.

Friday after leaving work my plan was to run home and grab some stuff to bring back to my cable company, pick up Lex from daycare and get a steroid injection in my sore shoulder. That plan fell through completely. I was driving a little faster than I should have because I was trying to remain ahead of a car that was coming up on my bumper when I saw a police officer driving in the other direction. I had already started to push my brakes when I saw him turn his car around and come back my direction. I knew who he was pulling over... me. By time he got to my window I had my license ready and I did my best to be polite. Then came the bad part, he asked for my insurance, something I didn't have (I had let it lapse in order to pay other bills that I felt were more necessary, something I now realize was a bad idea). He went back to his car and I knew I was getting a ticket. Okay so I didn't really want the ticket but I figured paying a fine was no big deal and would help me learn my lesson to slow down. He came back to my car and said he had to tow it for the lack of insurance and asked if there was anyone I could call to come get me. I was just about in tears before he finished that statement but I managed to hold it together to tell him that I would try to find someone but if I couldn't would it be possible for him to give me a ride to the downtown bus stop so I could at least get back to Superior to get Lex from daycare on time. He said he would drive me all the way to Superior if I needed him to. Luckily my dad came to my rescue. While I was waiting for Dad to get there I called and got a quote for car insurance so that as soon as I could get a prepay debit/credit card I could order the insurance. Tomorrow I will hopefully get my car back since I have my insurance cards. This one mistake is costing me big bucks though.

Last night and today I don't know what bug crawled up Lex's butt but this kid is testing my patience. He has just been screaming or crying for nothing and then he has been hitting and scratching way more than normal. I'm surprised I don't have a black eye for the number of times he has punched me in the face this weekend. Last night I felt bad for him. He absolutely hates having his nails cut and he doesn't like having lotion put on his skin, not sure if it's SPD (sensory processing disorder) related or just a quirk that he has but doing both of these things cause a battle (as does cutting his hair but that seems to be improving since I got a new set of clippers that are much quieter). I started trying to cut his toe nails since he had a couple of long ones and a couple that were broken and I'm sure snag on his socks, that was almost impossible so I just cut the long ones and stopped. He screamed the whole time I was doing that so I held him for a while and he kept trying to hand me his pajamas to put on him but since I hadn't done the lotion yet I wouldn't put them on him. Next up was his finger nails. I have a lot more practice doing his fingers so I swaddled him, pulled one arm out and pinned him under my legs, cue the major screaming and the baby Hulk. I managed to get them all cut but he lost his voice from screaming (he's like me his voice is the first thing to go when he gets a cold). He cried while I put the lotion on him and started to calm down once I had his pajamas on. When I went to put the nail clippers and lotion away he fell asleep on the couch. I always feel bad when I have to do this but an upset child is better than my arms looking like I got into a fight with the cats.

From every end comes a beginning

2010-12-31T22:03:00.000-06:00

Well we made it to another new year. I hope 2011 brings just as much happiness at 2010 has brought me, maybe a little less sadness and stress, but definitely growth. This year wasn't horrible but I'm ready for 2011.

2010 brought me:

A definitive answer that Lex could hear. The sedated test was not enjoyable for either of us but knowing that it wasn't his hearing that was preventing him from speaking was thrilling.
A diagnosis of Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder. These labels have allowed my son to obtain the services he's needed, that we've needed, to help him expand his horizons and grow.
A 3 year old. Lex celebrated his 3rd birthday in October and I celebrated 3 amazing years of motherhood. While never easy it's always worthwhile.
A good friend moved away almost to the year after another friend moved. While sad for me I'm excited that she'll get to experience a whole new beginning in a city she has wanted to move to for a long time now.
My younger brother returned safely from Afghanistan. I couldn't watch the news or read papers with any regularity because I would worry too much. It also brought the notification that he, my uncle and my cousin will all be going to Iraq. While this is also nerve wracking they will all be in the same area and our family looks out for each other, I know these 3 will return safely.
My baby brother announced that he and his fiancee will be having my first nephew (related by blood) in April. I can't wait to see them in February for the baby shower and then to meet my new nephew.
A separation and pending divorce. This has not been an easy thing for me and Lex and most likely for Nate but we are learning how to handle it every day. It's hard when any relationship ends but it'll be for the best in the end.
Words. Lex has started saying more words with more regularity. I can't get enough of "Buzz", "Wah-ee", "E-ah" and "pwease". He's trying new words almost daily and he has an absolutely beautiful voice when he's not screaming or squealing. It's the most beautiful sound I know outside of his laugh.

Every year I make resolutions and this year is no exception. I want to continue working on losing this weight I'm carrying with me. I want to get my financial stuff in control. I want to continue doing the absolute best I can for Lex and find us a different apartment.

Autism Night Before Christmas by Cindy Waeltermann

2010-12-26T16:59:00.000-06:00

Autism Night Before Christmas
by Cindy Waeltermann

Twas the Night Before Christmas
And all through the house
......The creatures were stirring
Yes, even the mouse

We tried melatonin
And gave a hot bath
But the holiday jitters
They always distract
The children were finally
All nestled in bed
When nightmares of terror
Ran through my OWN head
Did I get the right gift
The right color And style
Would there be a tantrum
Or even, maybe, a smile?

Our relatives come
But they don't understand
The pleasure he gets
Just from flapping his hands.
"He needs discipline," they say
"Just a well-needed smack,
You must learn to parent"
And on goes the attack
We smile and nod
Because we know deep inside
The argument is moot
Let them all take a side

We know what it's like
To live with the spectrum
The struggles and triumphs
Achievements, regressions
But what they don't know
...And what they don't see
Is the joy that we feel
Over simplicity
He said "hello"
He ate something green!
He told his first lie!
He did not cause a scene!
He peed on the potty
Who cares if he's ten,
He stopped saying the same thing
Again and again!

Others don't realize
Just how we can cope
How we bravely hang on
At the end of our rope

But what they don't see
Is the joy we can't hide
When our children with autism
Make the tiniest stride
We may look at others
Without the problems we face
With jealousy, hatred
Or even distaste,
But what they don't know
Nor sometimes do we
Is that children with autism
Bring simplicity.

We don't get excited
Over expensive things
We jump for joy
With the progress work brings
Children with autism
Try hard every day
That they make us proud
More than words can say.

They work even harder
Than you or I
To achieve something small
To reach a star in the sky
So to those who don't get it
Or can't get a clue
Take a walk in my shoes
And I'll assure you
That even 10 minutes
Into the walk
You'll look at me
With respect, even shock.

You will realize
What it is I go through
And the next time you judge
I can assure you
That you won't say a thing
You'll be quiet and learn,
Like the years that I did
When the tables were turned

Thank you Santa

2010-12-25T20:58:00.000-06:00

Christmas was good to us this year. Lex and I got to enjoy some quality time with our family at my mom's house. Lex was spoiled rotten, he got a lot of new toys and some clothes. I was equally spoiled since Lex did better than he has since infancy at the family parties, tantrums were limited, he was funny and playful, even though he was obviously exhausted today. I was so proud of my little boy.

I think his favorite gift came from my parents. Lex has been really into Toy Story lately, I frequently get requests to watch "Buzz", so I had planned to get him a Buzz Lightyear but by time I could afford to get it for him I couldn't find the one I wanted to get him so instead he got Woody. He absolutely loves his Woody doll but last night his dreams came true. After I posted on facebook the night before that I couldn't find Buzz my dad made it his personal mission to find Buzz and he did. Lex was very excited when he opened that gift. He has been carrying Buzz and Woody everywhere. I even got an adorable picture of him sleeping with Woody.

Merry Christmas from Lex!

2010-12-23T20:48:00.000-06:00

He amazes me

2010-12-22T22:06:00.000-06:00

Today Lex went to my best friend's house for the day so I could work and admittedly I was worried it wasn't going to be a good day. He has been there a couple of times for birthday parties and he knows her kids from other things we've done together but I have always been there when he is. He took off like a shot into the house, obviously a good sign. I sent her a text at lunch time just to see how things were going and she said he was the best kid of the three (she has a 3 and 5 year old boys) Unless she was looking for Lex he was playing quietly all day and he was giving her kisses and hugs, huge change from the high five he barely gave her before. I was amazed he did so well out of his comfort zone. I still can't believe how lucky I am when it comes to Lex.

After work tomorrow we will begin our Christmas celebration, he and I will make one final stop and then once he's in bed I'll put up his train set under the Christmas tree so he can see if first thing in the morning Christmas Eve. Santa will be making a special appearance at my mom's house that evening, I just hope Lex will let my cousin's kids see him before he takes over. Saturday is another Christmas party at my mom's house. Sunday will be spent playing with all the new toys and washing all the new clothes. and gearing up for Lex's trip to Nate's. I'm sure Lexy will do fine though the whole thing. He's become so adaptive lately.

Tomorrow

2010-12-21T22:10:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow this all becomes real. I don't see the goal as being the "easy" but it's a goal. I'm meeting with a lawyer to go over the divorce paperwork and hopefully start the ball rolling on getting what I need to take care of Lex. Nate has been out of the house for almost 2 months and has been helping where he can but tomorrow signifies my desire to make it just me, even if I'm having some doubts about that. They are purely idiotic doubts, things so ridiculous they shouldn't be slipping into my mind but they are. To me tomorrow is sealing off of a connection that I've had for so long. It's the end of Lex having a full blooded sibling. It's the end of a relationship that was based on love. I know I'm just meeting with the lawyer, we aren't signing the final papers but this one step scares the crap out of me. I know Nate and I can't coexist but what about Lex?

Saturday Night Song of the Week

2010-12-18T17:14:00.000-06:00

One of Lex's favorite movies is Madagascar 2 and while this video is from the first movie every time I hear this song it makes me think of him.

On a side note he actually did a full pee in the toilet tonight! I'm so excited for him!

What drives you?

2010-12-16T19:42:00.001-06:00

Everyone everywhere has something that keeps them waking up and moving forward. For me it's Lex. Don't get me wrong I would still have a life if Lex wasn't here but it would be a very different life, one I can't even begin to imagine.

Every day with Lex is it's own adventure, not because he has special needs but because he's a headstrong, rough and tumble 3 year old. Some days the adventure is extremely trying, we both end up in tears and can't begin to look for the sunshine through the clouds and then there are days where I can't imagine that he was never a part of my daily life. Today was definitely the latter.

He has been making some small strides in speech the last few days repeating "yellow" (yell-ew) and "joker" (jo-cur) shortly after I told him what color his car was and the name of the Batman character he brought me. Last night he started saying "please" (peas) while signing it to ask for things.

Today he didn't say please as much but we had another small success, he asked me to bring him to the bathroom (grabbed my hand and pulled me that way) after handing me a pull up. I helped him get situated so he could sit on the toilet and gave him his potty book. A few seconds later I heard a few drops hit the toilet water, he did it! Now up to this point Lex had been iffy on his willingness to sit on the toilet for me, he'd do it only if I encouraged him and brought him in and sat with him.

I think we may be rounding a corner with him when it comes to self help skills and speech, a very exciting thing for me (and him).

Even on days that aren't like today I live to take care of this little boy. I do as much research about autism and sensory integration disorder as my free time allows (to steal Jenny McCarthy's idea I would definitely have a graduate degree in Google research) so I can have a glimmer of an idea to what life holds for him, a glimmer of what he could be seeing or experiencing in any given day.

I love sitting in his bedroom and playing with his cars and blocks and whatever he's interested in at the moment even if he's not into playing with me. I live to hear every attempt at speech, see every new skill and celebrate every new success.

Things that don't come easy are worth the effort, the frustration is worth it, even the tears and temper tantrums are worth it. Those things give me a better idea of who Lex is, what matters to him and tells me just how important everything I do with him really is.

Sure there are days where I would kill for him to be like other kids his age, talking, able to understand that I'm not just saying no but explaining why he can't stick the knife in the outlet.

But in the end Lex is Lex, a kid with autism and sensory integration disorder, a volatile temper (just like his mom), a strong desire to do what he wants, big beautiful blue eyes and an amazing sense of humor (and awesome laugh to go with it).

Lex is the child I never thought I'd have.

For good or bad he will always be my miracle.

Saturday Night Song of the Week

2010-12-11T22:02:00.000-06:00

One of my best friends is starting a journey into the unknown in the next few weeks. She's moving out of our town and down to Green Bay. I'm very happy for her, I think this will be the start of many good things for her. P!nk has always reminded me of her and this song definitely does.

Saturday Night Song of the Week

2010-12-04T17:02:00.000-06:00

It's another 2 for the price of one! I'm addicted to Glee and I couldn't choose just one of these videos. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is really special to me. When I was in the orchestra in high school this was the song our conductor chose as our specialty. I've also sang it to Lex at least once weekly since he was born. When he gets married it's the song I want to dance with him to.

I just love this song! I remember seeing Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time in high school and then doing the "Time Warp" for the dance portion of my drama class it was a lot of fun.

Thankful

2010-11-24T23:34:00.000-06:00

I know it's the time of year when everyone is posting about what they are thankful for and while I normally try to post this throughout the year I figured I'd join the masses and post now.

I am thankful for
-Lex. He's an amazing, frustrating, funny, beautiful and stubborn boy. I spend every day trying to teach him new words and how to communicate his wants and needs with we and he spends those days teaching me how to be more patient. He teaches me how to loosen up and enjoy the day every day. Some days I don't feel like we are meshing, I'm not getting his signals and he's not getting mine but on the days we do it's magic. He'll talk up a storm and I understand his "words" and their meanings, he'll guide me around the house to help him do things. These are all massive strides from a year ago when he wanted to do everything by himself and he wouldn't say much. I just want to see him growing and expanding as a person.
-My parents. Mom and Dad are wonderful. When we had car trouble earlier in the year Mom came to the rescue. If there's ever a time I can't go get Lex from daycare one of them will go get him for me and entertain him until I can get to their house. They spoil Lex like there is no tomorrow. They always have mini marshmallows for a snack, the layout of their furniture makes a great track and they have the best bed for jumping on. Nana and Papa's house is Lex's favorite place, he loves being home with me but when we get dressed to run errands on the weekend he races to the door yelling "Nanananananana!" So I know he wants to go visit. I'm thankful that these two people that I know love me so much were willing to let me make my own mistakes and are always there to help me get back up when I fall.
-Nate. After being married to someone for 7 years a separation and pending divorce is difficult and he is trying to work with me to have this be as amicable as possible. I know in my heart of hearts I still love him but just not in the same way I once did. I'm thankful for him being there through our whole ordeal of trying to get pregnant, our loss and subsequent amazement of our pregnancy with Lex. He was good at helping while I was pregnant, trying to princess me even though I'd rather keep trucking along. I'm thankful he was so "afraid" of me to go to the nurses station to advocate for me while I was in labor. I'm thankful for him being here when Lex's tympanoplasty tubes were placed, for the sedated hearing test (and getting extra jammies after Lex threw up waking up from sedation) and for sitting by my side when Lex was diagnosed with autism. I'm thankful he handled most of Lex's occupational therapy sessions while I worked and then started the brushing protocol before I could. I'm thankful that even at the end of our relationship we can act like adults and still care about the amazing child we have together.
-My brothers and their loved ones. Karl started the year in Afghanistan and came home safely. He came back a grown up, I was used to my little brother being more teen like and goofy but he's getting his life together and I love being able to watch that change since he's only a block down the street from me. It's nice knowing he's nearby but not so close that we are within bickering range. I have yet to meet Chelsea his girlfriend but some day. Ollie is an amazing little boy and so funny. I hope to have him and Lex get together to play soon. Matt has been in Missouri working hard and now playing just hard. His fiance Megan is his perfect match they even smile upside down. I'm thankful Matt has found his match in her she's a perfect fit into our family. I'm really thankful for my nephew that Megan is still baking. I love babies! And Samuel is going to be one loved baby!
-My friends Chelli, Penny, Shawne, Kathy, Sally,Tami, Mark and Beth at work. They make the day fly by. We spend so much time laughing and pulling pranks on each other. This is the first job I feel like I'm a member of a team instead of a body filling a position. I love hanging out with these ladies outside of work and their adorable kids.
-My friends Crystal, Krystal, Stephanie and Dustin. Some of you are actually related to me and some of you I wish were, you know who you are. I'm thankful of all the love and support you give when all you really have is a hug from miles away. I'm so proud of you guys for everything you've done in the last year and the things that will come in the new year. Keep your chins up and let me know if you need anything.
-Pam, Lex's daycare teacher. After the problems we had with New Horizons this year Pam has been a miracle. She just seems to "know" what to do when it comes to Lex and some of his difficulties. I almost never get a bad report on his behavior there. The kids there are wonderful too. Yesterday when I dropped Lex off the kids asked if he had school and then were very sad to find out that he did. They wanted to play with their new friend Lex and he wanted to play with them.
-Carol, Lex's special education teacher. Carol is wonderful with Lex. She admitted she didn't really know what to do with him for the first days because he was so difficult to handle. She makes it a point to communicate with me at least once a week and she tries to find the good even when she has bad to tell me about. At his conferences she was proud of the strides he has made and even commented on how she wished the other kids were as good at eating as Lex is.Yesterday's note brings a smile to my face. "AMAZING Day!" Lex was very involved and participated . He did 2 obstacle courses with NO protest and independently did 1-2 more. Then he went to the table to play with playdoh and a peer joined him and they played for 10-15 minutes!" This is really big for Lex and I like to thank Carol for letting me know how he's expanding there and using my ideas when she thinks they'll work for him without interrupting his class
-Douglas County Birth to 3. Most specifically Paula and David, The time we spent working on techniques we learned in occupational and speech services is priceless. Lex had such a good relationship with each of them and I know he enjoyed playing with them while learning. It was hard moving away from their services but Lex is nothing but better for having them.
- Nate's family. They have let me know that I'm still a part of the family even with what's going on with me and Nate. I can't wait to see my eldest niece get married this fall, she'll be a gorgeous bride.I'm glad they were willing to give him a place to live when he moved out and a place for Lex to have fun on his weekends with them.
-Pumpkin, Ozzy and Alice (Bella and Eva). Our kitties are a source of frustration some days ("What do you mean you couldn't throw up in the box... why in my shoes?") but they are a huge source of relaxation for me. It's nice to have a warm body snuggled in my lap while watching movies or taking a nap. It's a load of fun watching them play with whatever "toy" falls on the floor and how easily a shadow can startle them. While Bella and Eva no longer live with me(Bella went to the shelter and was adopted almost instantly, Eva went with Nate) I'm thankful that I got to have the time to get to know them.
-My own learning and strength. This year has been a journey, it's been a long twisty ride and I've come out stronger and smarter for it. I know I'm going to have my down points but if I keep smiling I can manage anything and if I can't handle it myself I have wonderful people that will be here to help me.

Whining

2010-11-23T21:01:00.000-06:00

Today is the start of a week of separation . Lex is going to spend from tonight until Saturday afternoon with Nate and my inlaws. I'm miserable with out having Lex around. I know I will be able to handle the day to day stuff, cleaning, feeding the cats, etc, What I'm going to have a hard time with is the quiet times Lex normally shares with me. The snuggling on the couch with the tv on. Snuggling in bed because he's too awake and needs someone to rub his back to help him fall back to sleep. I'm going to sleep with his spare blanket tonight so I can feel like he's near by me. If I could have my way there would be no custody agreement that would mean Lex is several hours away from me for several days. I love my baby boy.

Happiness

2010-11-21T13:51:00.000-06:00

For me happiness is spending time with Lex watching Pixar movies. Happiness is hearing him giggle when he's doing something he shouldn't or he finds something completely off the wall funny. Happiness is hearing a new word come out of his mouth, even if that new word (bad) is paired with mommy. Happiness is him giving me a kiss or hug to apologize for biting or hitting me.

I've found I've been my happiest lately with it just being me and Lex. Sure things can be stressful, especially when he's slamming his rock hard head into my freshly pulled tooth spot but I am enjoying every minute of my time with my Lexy Lex.

Saturday Night Song of the Week

2010-11-21T13:29:00.000-06:00

Okay I know I'm a little late but I crashed early last night so here's the song of the week.

I hope to find this kind of guy some day. Not looking for him now but who knows down the road?

Feeling blessed

2010-11-18T23:41:00.000-06:00

Today got off to a rough start. I woke up with massive swelling in my left cheek after having a tooth break last night on that side, I had an abscess. Thankfully I got in to see my dentist and we've gotten that taken care of. I'm still swollen but I no longer look like I have the chipmunk and acorns stuffed in my face.

Today ended on a good note. My good friend Crystal came over and Lex and I got to enjoy the night with her. We had planned on dinner but she stayed right up until Lex was wound down enough for bed. It was great having her around to talk to (not that I don't like talking to Lex but given his limited vocabulary it's hard to hold a conversation), she helped with bath time, brushing his teeth and getting him settled. I will be very sad when she moves to Green Bay at the beginning of the year but excited for her all the same. I know she will do great down there, she's a wonderful person and so smart how could she not?

I'm feeling pretty lucky when it comes to Lex's school and daycare now. The last two days at school it was just him in class and his teacher sent home notes about how well he did with all the one on one time. Today I got a note that there were more kids there so he had a rougher day with more hitting and head butting but after she got him settled down he still had a very good day. I think that having him attend school 4 days a week has been great for him. He has come so far when it comes to everything we are seeking assistance for, he's attempting more words, he's using some signs regularly and he has become even more outgoing, something I know can be very hard for him. Daycare has been wonderful too. Pam is a great fit for us. She understands what his limitations are when it comes to autism and she's great at explaining it to the other kids. She makes sure Lex is always included with the other kids, even if it is just the baby and Lex playing peek-a-boo. Lex obviously loves it there because he runs in every morning and doesn't really want to come home at night. Tonight she and I got talking and she started giving me some information on resources I haven't looked into as far as services to help both Lex and myself. I tend to be willing to give until I break down and she reminded me that I can't do that, it's not good for either of us, so I'll be looking into respite services. I do get a break now when Nate has Lex but that could always change.

I'm also really lucky to work with the wonderful ladies I call my friends at work. They covered for me so I could go to the dentist, handled some of my responsibilities for me since I start a little late on Thursdays and one even agreed to watch Lex next month since my daycare will be closed for her vacation and I can't take that time off of work. We are having a shower for one of the ladies in January as a surprise since she's having her first daughter and we are all so excited for her. She is such a sweetie. She knew I wasn't ready to be done having children when Nate decided he was so she wanted to make sure I heard from her when she announced her pregnancy as to make sure my feelings weren't going to be hurt. They weren't hurt at all, I was very excited for her, she's a wonderful person and mother. After all she's the mommy of another 10/15 baby, we have a very special connection.

Yesterday my baby brother and his fiance found out they will be having a son in April. I'm so happy for them. I was really hoping they'd have a girl but I know what kinds of things boys need so that'll make shopping for gifts that much easier. I don't know what they plan to name my future nephew but I'm very happy to know he's on the way. Matt and Megan will make wonderful parents, they are both pretty awesome people.

My middle brother has been so kind in the weeks since Nate moved out I almost don't recognize him. Karl and I haven't always been nice to each other (we are less than 2 years apart in age so we had a lot of competition when it came to getting approval from family and we tended to flirt with each other's friends in order to make each other mad) but I really like my brother now. I don't know if his deployment to Afghanistan really changed him that much or if my home situation changed me but we get along now like we never really have before. He's also dating a lady with a little boy who is absolutely a doll. Oliver is super cute, hopefully he and Lex can play more often since they only are a little more than a year apart in age. I can't wait to meet Chelsea (Karl's girlfriend, Ollie's mom) I'm sure if she can put up with my brother she's gotta be worth getting to know.

I have so much in my life to be feeling lucky for and I really am lucky.

Our new norm

2010-11-15T07:29:00.000-06:00

This weekend was Lex's first with Nate in the Twin Cities. We agreed to alternate weekends so Lex can see both of his parents. I missed him like crazy. I'm so used to having Lex with me all the time it was odd to run to the store and not have to grab a cart and continually tell the small person sitting in it to sit back down. Don't get me wrong it was nice but I'd honestly rather have that time with him. Since I work so much during the week the weekends are mine and Lex's quality time together. Those are the hours I usually spend with him playing, doing crafts and just being together enjoying his laugh and trying to be patient with his temper tantrums. I guess I'll just have to get accustomed to this new norm where he's doing things with Nate's family while I try to think of things to keep myself busy.

Testing testing

2010-11-13T18:52:00.000-06:00

Okay so I'm a little slow and didn't realize that I didn't have a comments field on here for some reason so I changed some settings just to see if it'll work. I think the changes only start after a "new" post. If you can comment please do so, I'd like to see if I got this fixed. Thanks!

Saturday Night Song of the Week

2010-11-13T17:40:00.000-06:00

My new goal is to post at least once a week and this will be my sure fire way of doing it. In honor of this being the first week I'm going to post my two top songs of the week. First one is a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus song that describes how I've been feeling about the whole separation and pending divorce. Second one is Eminem and Rihanna just because I can't get enough of that song.

A different road

2010-11-08T15:53:00.000-06:00

Lex and I started down a different road from Nate roughly a week ago. Nate and I separated and he moved down to his mom's house a few hours south. We have started the paperwork to get a divorce. Now while some divorces are all about blaming each other ours won't be. I can't blame him for all the problems in our marriage, I'm just as much at fault. We've been trying to work on these things since March and no matter how much we improve we always fall back into the bad habits. In the end we are doing what's best for us and Lex.

Lex is living with me most of the time and will be staying with Nate part time so that he always knows his dad loves him. I do have to say that even just being separated a week has proved most beneficial for Lex. I know I'm not as frustrated as I was and that trickles down to Lex, I'm not as quick to be annoyed when he's refusing to communicate and instead just wants to scream. He's getting more one on one interaction because of all the time it's just me and him.

I love being a single mom so far. We've had a few rougher spots (changes in his routine/schedule, cutting his nails and hair) but I would say overall it's been a good week. Lex makes me laugh when I feel down and I make him dinner lol. I think I'm just eating up that he has so much affection to give and since Nate's not here I'm getting it all. We've also developed new games in everything we do and discipline isn't a problem since I'm not trying to battle differing views. I just hope that Lex realizes that we both love him very much I just happen to be a bit better at handling my difficult child when he wants to be difficult.

To the north or the south?

2010-10-23T06:29:00.000-05:00

I've come to a fork in the road and I have to decide which direction to go. Neither is the "right" way they are just both very different. They are both going to have winds and bumps but of differing varieties. If I was just making this decision for me it would be easy but I'm not. I just know I can't keep going straight because that leads to nowhere and more frustration.

Happy Birthday Lex!

2010-10-17T08:39:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe my little boy is 3. It seems like we just celebrated his first birthday. I love having this little kid in my life. As tough as things may get his smile can always make me smile, his laugh makes me laugh and he's just a rough and tumble little guy. Autism may be his "label" but he is always just my Lex.

Yay for change!

2010-10-06T19:29:00.000-05:00

Lex had his first day of special education pre-k on the first and he LOVED it. I had a hard time with the idea of getting him on the bus and him going to school and then back to daycare but Lex took it in stride. He had no problem getting on the bus in the morning (I was the only one to shed tears), his teacher sent a note home letting us know how the day went and that he will be a great new friend for the other kids and he made it back to daycare with only minimal tears. He went again yesterday and was incredibly excited when he saw the bus pull up in the morning. Today was rough for him, there was no school. When we were leaving for daycare a bus drove by and he ran down the block after it because he must have thought it forgot to stop for him. When we got to daycare he wanted to sit in the spot we normally wait for the bus at but since I had to get to work I insisted he come into the daycare with me which of course set him off (he thrives on routine and this was throwing a wrench in that routine). He was not happy to be at daycare and I can't say I blame him. We will be switching his daycare in just over a week to a home based center where he can have more one on one time with someone that has more special education/autism experience than his current teachers do.

At the end of next week we'll be losing our services with Birth to 3 since he is aging out of the system. I'm really sad that we won't have David and Paula coming into our home weekly. They have been wonderful in the last year and I know Lex loves them. I think for our "wrap up meeting" on Monday we are going to make thank you cards. It's been a gift having them to help us with the tough times and celebrate the good times it's like having a family member leave. After all, Lex isn't the same kid he was when they started with him.

Lex has started babbling and talking a ton more in the last couple of weeks. He is regularly using his signs and he's attempting many more words. Each new attempt makes me excited for the future. I dread the idea that he's growing up and won't be my baby forever but I love seeing him grow, he's an amazing little kid. Each new skill, each new word and each new moment (tantrum, happy or somewhere in the middle) makes me glad to have him in my life.

End of one road, start of another

2010-09-30T06:41:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is going to suck. Tomorrow I'll be putting my almost 3 year old on a school bus to take him to his first day of special ed pre-k.
I'm sure he'll do great, maybe have a rough start of it but in the end Lex will thrive. He is so adaptive when it comes to play environments and his teacher said that's first and foremost what her classroom is that learning happens naturally when the kids are playing and interacting. I'm excited to see how he handles the transition to "big kid" status. He'll ride the bus to and from school 4 days a week and 3 of those days he'll go right into daycare.
I on the other hand will not do well with this transition. My feelings are so mixed, pride and worry and sadness have become my 3 shadows these days. I'm so proud that Lex will be doing this, that he will take most of this in stride and be a better person for it. Proud to simply be the mom of this amazing little person. I worry that he'll have a rough go of things just like the transition to the 2 year old room at daycare. That he may not work to his potential because he could be stressed out. Lex isn't a big fan of change and this is a pretty big change. I'm really sad to see the end of the baby days nearing. Since he'll be my only child (barring some miracle) it's hard for me to let go of the sweet baby. He hasn't been a baby in almost 2 years, he's been this rough and tumble, mess and monsters kind of boy but I really just want to hold onto him where he is. Every day is a new adventure, he's talking more, dancing, jumping, and being infinitely more affectionate than he ever has been.
I attribute a lot of the new found skills to all the hard work he does, Nate and I working with him and then his wonderful therapists David and Paula being there and being amazing resources. It's hard to imagine we'll be navigating the world of autism and sensory integration dysfunction without them in 2 weeks since they have been our guides but it'll have to be something we do. We know the skills it's just time to apply them.
I'm not ready to start down this new road but I think Lex will grab my hand and pull me along no matter what.

Busy and frustrating

2010-09-18T07:51:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks here. We completed Lex's evaluations for entrance into the school district and they were pretty right on in relation to where he is developmentally and socially. He'll start his first day of school on October 1st but his last meeting with his current therapists will be the week of his birthday so we'll be doubled up for 2 weeks.

Last weekend we did the Northland Autism Walk. Our team met our goal of $450 and passed it. We had a lot of friends and family come out and walk with us, all of them rocking the tie dye shirts I made. Team Lex was amazing.

This week Lex was moved over to the 2 year old room at daycare. While I wasn't happy about this idea I know they have to do it, one because of his age/size and two because of the numbers of kids they have to maintain in each classroom. The first day resulted in Lex clinging to his old teacher, but I had no information about the day because she didn't know. Second day was more of the same but I sent a communication notebook so we could try to relay information back and forth. After that day I was not happy with the classroom teachers. They made it seem like they weren't going to make an attempt to keep Lex interacting in anything. Nate and I had a meeting with the center director and the teachers yesterday to discuss their concerns and see what can be done to make this easier on everyone. I felt very attacked at this meeting like I was asking them to do something that's not in their job descriptions and that they just don't have time for a kid like Lex. They seem unwilling to do his brushing protocol or even give him a couple of minutes to unwind away from the other kids before bringing him back to projects and circle time. I understand that they have 14 other kids to think about but they need to think about Lex too. I got the feeling during the meeting they really want to have us leave the daycare so that's my intention. I don't want to but I want to do what's best for Lex.

Best part of my day.

2010-07-23T20:24:00.001-05:00

Since I know sometimes I can have a hard time seeing the good things in my life I wanted to share the best part of my day.

It wasn't the fact that the doctor I work for wasn't on call. It wasn't that instead of the 19 patients a day we've been seeing we saw 10 out of the 11 scheduled. It wasn't knowing that my brother was picking up his puppy and that meant no more puddles on my floors. It wasn't even the peanut butter bar the doctor I work with bought me.

It was the 10 or so minutes I spent on the floor just cuddling, playing and laughing. I didn't focus on the fact he was doing so well at holding his attention. I didn't focus on the dozen or so finger prints followed by occasional drops of spit on my glasses. Instead I focused on his laugh, so contagious it makes me smile just to think about it. I focused on the kisses that turned into playful bites on my cheeks and shoulders. I focused on what an amazing child he is, how lucky I am to have him and how excited I am to be home with him all day tomorrow, even if I won't feel that way after a full day of trying to keep him and our dog out of trouble. Tonight for that short while it was just about a boy and his mom and their shared joy, laying on the floor, making noises and memories.

Frustrated

2010-07-18T16:55:00.002-05:00

Lately I feel like I've been stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Lex has been a bit more difficult than normal because I haven't been getting my mid-day break since he has started the process of quitting his afternoon nap, which makes him crabby by 5pm. He has also figured out that he is big enough to climb out of the tub during bath time. The first couple of times he climbed out of the tub I thought it was very cute but now I'm not terribly fond of the drenched floor and 2 year old streaking through the apartment. I am proud of the fact he's making strides developmentally even if it's not through speech. He has also started using the sign for cup (well his approximation for it) and he's very proud of himself when he signs to me and I jump up to either get him a new cup or refill the one he hands me. Even with the increase of communication he is still throwing tantrums regularly. I know a big part of that is the inability to fully communicate what he wants or needs to us and that's he's 2.

Some days I just want to join him in the tantrum. I've been feeling stressed between the amount of housework, taking care of Lex and going to work that I have to do everyday. I know that I'm not the only one here that can pick up the daily messes, wash dishes and take care of Lex but I am feeling like it's all my responsibility. I go on strike when it comes to housework but I tend to be the first one to give in. I can't handle the clutter and mess, I can't fall asleep with a very messy house.

Another part of my stress is our total state of being broke. No matter what I do we still have several bills that are late, items that we need that we can't afford and having to hope that we don't have a major emergency or that the car won't break down leaving us stranded.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that we'll get through this all somehow but right now things are pretty dim.

On a good note both my brothers are currently home. Matt is just visiting and he brought his girlfriend home to meet us all. Karl now lives a block from me and stops in frequently. He also brings his puppy, Chloe, by for us to puppy sit when he goes to hang out with his friends. It's just nice to have him nearby and Lex is eating up his time with Uncle Karl because they can rough house, watch cartoons or both wear hats and sunglasses and look like studs. They are too funny.

Weekend work

2010-07-10T20:21:00.004-05:00

I can handle doing this type of work on the weekend. :)

Our trip

2010-06-24T08:36:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this…

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley

I've been reading this poem a lot lately. It's in more than one of the books I bought on ASD and in a few I've borrowed from the library. I kind of feel these days that it is really accurate for us. I freely admit that I never expected to have a child that would be attending speech and occupational services so often let alone a child with Autism. But I really wouldn't change anything about him. He may have major meltdowns (what 2 year old doesn't?), he may kick, bite, hit and pinch me regularly but he's still my Lex. He sings "rolly poly" and "icky sticky" with me all the time (not the actual words but he shows me the hand movements he learned at daycare), he loves to snuggle with me and we run around like a couple of crazy people in the evenings to help wear him out. I'm sure if you ask me in a few years I will have very few recollections about the tantrums (with the exceptions of the scars he has left me with) and many memories of all the sweet, fun things we do.

I'm rather enjoying our trip to Holland. Italy has nothing on this.

Autism hot button (warning very long and rambling)

2010-05-30T18:45:00.004-05:00

Before I start I know this is an hot button topic especially with parents of autism kids but I want to express my thoughts.

I am currently watching Dateline NBC and Matt Lauer is doing a special on autism, vaccines and G.I. disorders. They mention specifically Dr. Wakefield and how he has evidence that autism could be caused by vaccines, specifically the MMR. While I am a big believer that children should be vaccinated, the more children that are vaccinated the less likelihood of outbreaks of disease that could potentially cause suffering or death, I do worry that vaccines harmed Lex. I'm not saying that by any means he will not finish his vaccines for kindergarten when it's time, he most definitely will, I worry that the sheer number of vaccines he was given before his second birthday may have done more harm than good. I vaccinated him completely on time with the exception of one dtap (diptheria, tetanus and pertussis) and one hib (haemophilus influenza type b) and those were due to the resident he was seeing as his primary care physician forgetting during his well child visits that he needed them. Lex's kindergarten vaccines will spread out more because he does have behavioral and developmental fall backs when he gets shots, any shots. We gave him bicillin in April for a case of strep (far easier to poke him once than try to coax him to take oral antibiotics 2-3 times a day for 5-7 days) and we saw him slide back in behavior and we lost the sign for "more". I think for him this is the natural progression of his autism in combination with the "terrible twos".

I give vaccines every day I'm at work and the bulk of the children show no signs of developmental disorders, most of them being on the current CDC vaccination schedule, I can only think of 3 other children that Dr. Whitworth sees (she is also Lex's doctor) that have marked developmental disorders, she sees the most children in our clinic. I can't honestly believe that vaccines cause autism because there is no significant research connecting the two. I believe it may trigger traits that are already there to become more pronounced (I think this is the case with Lex). I tell parents honestly that my child has autism and he has been fully vaccinated but that I don't believe the vaccines caused him to be autistic. (As a matter of fact there has been more research pointing to changes in brain development during the second of trimester being related than timing or types of vaccines given).

In other news the transition meeting we had last week went well but was very overwhelming for me. We found out that pending a re-evaluation by the school district this summer he will start a program at my old elementary school going 4-5 days a week for a half day each. The school district will bus him there and back to daycare. He will most definitely continue speech services and possibly occupational therapy. There is also a chance that we could have a speech therapist come see him at daycare but I think if he will be attending "school" that much we will do much better at not overwhelming him if we just do the half days. I have come to the conclusion I would also like to get him involved in another free local program for more speech services. I know he is progressing but he's still pretty far behind. We also sent in paperwork for another program based in our area that will help us with a diet and supplement program. It can't hurt him to take some of the crap he eats out of his diet (the kid can pack away M&M's and sugar like no one's business).

We recently saw his doctor to run labs to make sure his body could handle supplements and a diet change. So far his labs have been normal (we have gotten results for his kidney and liver function tests) but we are still waiting on levels for copper and zinc. We also addressed our concerns about his aggression levels and recent difficulty sleeping. Like we thought she thinks they may be related and she thinks that starting melatonin may help address this on nights he's particularly restless. We haven't started it yet because he has pretty much crashed of exhaustion that last couple of nights due to busy days but I think we may give it a shot tonight. I just hope he doesn't get any major side effects from it, I know in the past I have had some daytime sleepiness from it. She also recommended that we continue to try to wear him out and get him to bed on time and we do most nights.

He has been moved back to the 18-23 month room at daycare and seems to be loving it. With the exception of Friday afternoon they reported a decrease in aggression and an increase in eye contact (they think Friday may have been related to the 3 cupcakes he had at snack, he stole some from the other kids, like I said the boy loves sugar). I'm very happy to have him back with Lisa and Dani in that room, he just seems happier overall, we only had one meltdown during drop off this week and it was Tuesday. Karolyn told Nate that Lex did fine once he realized I was gone. I think it also helps that I've made it a point to sit down and chat with his teachers during pick up at least once a week to check in and see if they need us to do anything different or if we can help them with anything.

On my end things are still a little rough going with Nate but we are going to meet with our therapist during my session on the 9th in hopes that we can have an impartial referee help us. I think the current meds are helping him but he hasn't been sleeping since he has been trying cut back on some of his sleep aids. Hopefully once he's sleeping again we'll be able to really work on our relationship.

I'm also still very sore from my ganglion cyst removal 3 weeks ago. So far this is the only surgery I regret having. Had I known I was still going to be this sore I probably would have let the cyst be for a while longer (like until Lex is walking everywhere regularly). My surgeon's partner recommended resting it and icing it all weekend but that hasn't happened since we attended my uncle's funeral yesterday and Lex has wanted to be with me all day, not to mention my dog being trouble earlier when we went for a walk and pulling me all over town.

I am focusing on losing weight and getting healthier again. I know I've been down this road in the past but now I have help from my doctor and my dog. My doctor prescribed phen.termine for me to help with my out of control appetite (likely related to my pcos and insulin resistance). I have noticed a difference since starting it. I have set a personal goal of walking with Bella at least 13 miles a week. I figure she loves being out for walks and I can use the time to exercise. Besides she loves to chase squirrels, birds and cats so I'm always pulling her back on track, that uses a lot of muscles as she is no tiny puppy (50 or so pounds).

We are also signed up for our first autism walk! We are very lucky to have many family and friends agree to walk with us already. It's not until September but most of Nate's family has agreed to make the 3 hour drive to walk with us on "Team Lex". I can't wait!

Nerves

2010-05-23T19:08:00.002-05:00

I've always been a worrier, I remember worrying when I was a little kid going to kindergarten (I thought I was never going to make friends since my best friends went to a different school) and now I've taken it to a fine art. I guess being Lex's mom has been making me stronger but a bigger worrier at the same time. Tomorrow is Lex's IEP for the transition to the school district. I'm more worried about this than I was his initial IEP for birth to 3. Nate has to leave for work 15 minutes after the meeting is supposed to start and I'll have a house full of specialists (birth to 3, daycare teachers and school district) and I'm trying to figure out the best goals for Lex but the whole thing may change over the summer since he won't be transitioned over until October when he turns 3. I'm hoping we'll have to change his goals because he'll be further along with speech and behavior. Speaking of behavior we've really hit a wall. He has recently decided Mommy makes a great punching bag and teething ring. My parents gave us a great recommendation that when Nate is home he is supposed to take Lex away from me until he can calm down enough to give me a hug and not hit/bite anymore. The only thing that really stinks is that Nate and I work opposite shifts most of the time so it's just me and Lex most evenings. I try to separate myself when he gets aggressive but I can't just leave him and go into the kitchen (it's gated off to keep him out of trouble) because he typically gets aggressive when I'm trying to keep him out of trouble (most recently opening the gerbil cage and squeezing them). I'm just at a loss because I know he gets the same way when he's at daycare and I want to be able to give them recommendations.

On an up note he will be moving back to the 18-23 month room on Tuesday for sure. I hope this will help cure some of the problems he has at daycare.

Ups and downs

2010-05-15T19:21:00.002-05:00

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster a lot lately and the loop de loops are getting old.

I'll start first with Nate. He's been terribly depressed lately and none of the medication or supplements he's been prescribed have been working. I can't get him out of bed or to help around the house much and it's frustrating me. I just don't know what to do for/with him. I don't feel like talking is getting us anywhere so I'm at a roadblock. I know he says he's trying but I have a hard time seeing it when I'm working so hard to keep the house kept up with a swollen and bruised hand/wrist (had a ganglion cyst removed on 5/6/10 and now I keep overdoing it).

Life with Lex has definitely been interesting lately. We have great days and really awful ones a lot lately. Yesterday he was a doll, we had a rough drop off in the morning but after spending the day in the 18-23 months room (his regular room had too many kids) he came back to me sweet as pie. Miss Lisa had bad news for us though, he won't be moving back to that room until June, they thought they had figured it out to get him back there sooner but due to numbers he'll still be in the 2 year old room. Lisa was very apologetic but it still stinks, I want him to be where he thrives and now we have to hold off on that. We came home and had a quiet dinner and after bath he let me do his brushing protocol, something we haven't been able to do for a while. Bedtime was later than normal but he went down without a battle.

Today we went to the zoo with a few of my friends with work and I can definitely see where he is different than other kids his age. Most of my coworkers' kids are in the 2-4 range and were interacting like crazy. Lex wanted very little to do with them. He was only willing to play with my friend's daughter, probably because she's very cute and pretty quiet compared to all the other kids we were with. I couldn't get him to play or stay out of trouble for anything, any change resulted in a temper tantrum with him kicking and pulling my hair (I will be bald by 30 at this rate). The good thing is since we ate lunch before going to the zoo he came home and took a really good nap, allowing me to take one too.

The 24th we have a meeting to start the transition process to have Lex's therapy be through the school district, I'm nervous as all get out. I know that the school he'll be involved in isn't far from home but I'm worried about how he'll handle the transistions, they are not his strongest suit. I did invite someone from the daycare to join us since they are a huge part of his care team, hopefully someone can make it. My next goal is to get him involved in the local aut.ism treatment and resource center. We have an appointment with his doctor to get the labs done prior to the first appointment at the center. We are also starting a gluten free diet for him in the next couple days. I opted to do just the gluten because he is a big milk drinker and I feel that he needs calcium that milk provides. I just hope I'm doing the right things for him.

The Ten Commandments for Parents of Handicapped Children

2010-05-13T18:54:00.000-05:00

1. Take one day at a time, and take that day positively. You don't have control over the future, but you do have control over today.

2. Never underestimate your child's potential. Allow him, encourage him, expect him to develop to the best of his abilities.

3. Find and allow positive mentors: parents and professionals who can share with you their experience, advice, and support.

4. Provide and be involved with the most appropriate educational and learning environments for your child from infancy on.

5. Keep in mind the feelings and needs of your spouse and your other children. Remind them that this child does not get more of your love just because he gets more of your time.

6. Answer only to your conscience: then you'll be able to answer to your child. You need not justify your actions to your friends or the public.

7. Be honest with your feelings. You can't be a super-parent 24hours a day. Allow yourself jealousy, anger, pity, frustration, and depression in small amounts when ever necessary.

8. Be kind to yourself. Don't focus continually on what needs to be done. Remember to look at what you have accomplished.

9. Stop and smell the roses. Take advantage of the fact that you have gained a special appreciation for the little miracles in life that others take for granted.

10. Keep and use a sense of humor. Cracking up with laughter can keep you from cracking up from stress.

Author unknown

What it means to be a Mom

2010-05-09T14:21:00.002-05:00

My mother is a wonderful woman. She is who taught me about love, tenacity, joy and sadness. She and I haven't always seen eye to eye, very rarely did we back in my teen years. My mother is strong and determined but always supportive. I learned from her how to work hard and how to play just as hard. My mother is my closest friend now that I'm an adult even if when I was younger I thought she was doing the things she did just to get a rise out of me.

My favorite moments with my mother have been rollerskating, playing volleyball in the yard, seeing her immediate love for the grandson she declared would never call her "grandma" and seeing my son play with her the way I remember playing with her as a child. We have endured many hard moments together. My grandfather's cancer diagnosis, my grandfather's passing, the days my brothers shipped off to boot camp, the day my brother deployed to Iraq and the day I had my miscarriage.

Our relationship has never been and most likely never will be perfect but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Lex woke me up bright and early this morning, I think he couldn't sleep and the dog woke him to get me up to take her out but I wouldn't have changed this Mothers Day for anything. I got to spend quality time with my favorite 2 1/2 year old. We went to lunch with both of my grandmothers and my parents and now my boys are down for naps while I relax and paint my nails.

Wishing

2010-04-24T16:16:00.005-05:00

It's another dreary day here in Souptown but at least it's finally raining like we needed. Normally on dreary days I like to curl up and catch up on my friends' blogs and sometimes even comment (I really am horrible at commenting I can't think of things to say most times and when I can I often ramble... just like this). I've been using this dreary Saturday to catch up on the housework that was neglected while I was sick this week and to think about things I really wish I could do.

The first thing would be to become better at taking pictures. I really love to take pictures but I lack the talent or skill to take really wonderful pictures. I get lucky here or there but most of my pictures lack the special something that makes them pop. It's not that I don't have a wonderful subject because Lex is so dynamic when it comes to his expressions that no two pictures would ever be the same. I mean just look at this kid.

You can't get much cuter than Lex in the tub except when he's on his trampoline or in the park.

Another thing I wish for is more time with Lex. I get to spend the better part of my time with Lex but I do work around 32 hours a week and most weeks that seems like too much. He is very much a Mama's boy and when we are home together it is mostly just him and I, the way it has been most of his life. We were very lucky for the almost the first year of his life Nate and I worked opposite schedules so someone would almost always be home with Lex or he went to spend time with his Nana and Papa (or Grandma and Grandpa if they were in town). At 11 months old he was enrolled in his first daycare because Nate went back to school and I was working almost full time. We are still pretty lucky because he is in a daycare where I know the teachers care about him and the owner of the daycare knows who he is in spite of the large number of kids enrolled there, but I wish there was more opportunity for me to spend time with him.

I wish that rather than kindergarten in a few years we would be doing homeschooling. Don't get me wrong I loved being in public school but with his special needs I tend to feel that he needs more one on one time to grasp the same things other kids get quickly. He's very smart but terribly strong willed. I can tell him 3 dozen times that it is not alright to climb on the tv stand and remove him every time and try to redirect him (punishments do not typically work, he doesn't really grasp why he's being put in a corner and I do not believe in spanking him unless it's absolutely called for, ie endangering his limb or life) but he will keep doing it until he's bored of it. Who knows when we start working with the school district this fall for his speech and occupational therapy I may change my mind completely, it's been known to happen.

I wish I had the capability to teach his daycare teachers what works and what doesn't for him. They are really struggling with Lex because he is not the typical 2 year old but he has a lot of the same mentality of a terrible 2. Developmentally he is roughly 18 months old even if physically he is 2 1/2 years. The move back down to the 18 - 23 month classroom with be good for him and better for his teachers. Miss Dani and Miss Lisa are very familiar with Lex and he loves them immensely. Miss Lisa has been pulled in the past to coax him down for a nap so I'm sure he'll be much more comfortable when he gets back to that room.

There are only two more things that I wish for, one that's highly unlikely and one that will probably happen down the road. The first is to have at least one more child, this is the unlikely one. My PCOS seems more out of control than before I had Lex and it's just not financially feasible to spend the amount of money we spent conceiving Lex given all the speech and occupational therapy bills we have to pay. Not to mention my desire to go back to school to become an M.D. The second thing I wish for is a dishwasher... I know it's ridiculous but good grief I hate washing dishes and sippy cups are the worst. Our sink in our apartment makes doing dishes particularly awful given that it is very shallow and only has one bowl to it.

I love being Mommy!

2010-04-17T09:04:00.002-05:00

I know I complain and lament about our difficulties a lot on here so I thought it was time to post about the good things in my life.

I love being a mommy because:

every morning I wake up to the sounds a building blocks clicking together and Lex "talking" to himself.
I get to snuggle with an adorable boy pretty much anytime I'd like.
every day is an adventure.
every evening I get a hug from a freshly clean boy straight out of the tub.
running around the apartment giggling and roaring like a dinosaur is a great aerobic activity.
sharing half of everything I want to eat is a great way to cut calories.
I'm happier more often.
it's not so odd to have a Pix.ar movie on to enjoy.
I can get super cute kid related checks and everyone understands why I have Light.ening Mc.Queen on them.
I laugh at least 50 times a day.
shopping is no longer a chore, but an adventure to see how fast we can get done or how much Lex has added to the cart (where did the 6 boxes of animal crackers come from???)
I get to enjoy new words or activities on a regular basis.
a date at Mc.Dona.ld's with my boy is the best way to end a long work day.

While I do have a hard time remembering to be happy some days because of Lex's limitations I also have so many more reasons to be happy. As far as we know right now he'll be moving back to the 18-23 month classroom by May. I think this is the best first step for him right now. His teachers in that room were more than willing to have him back and they are really his two favorite teachers in the daycare. I'm also looking into further intervention services or a personal care assistant for him. I don't know what the school district will be providing him when turns 3 but I should be finding out some of that information in a few weeks since they will be evaluating him in May. Lex's speech therapist has yet to send his recommendation for the autism diagnosis to Lex's doctor but she and I have been discussing it lately and she will most definitely be signing off on the diagnosis and said any services we need her to sign off on or any referrals we want she will do. She's the primary doctor I work with at the clinic so we are pretty lucky to have such a good relationship with her.

I wish I knew

2010-04-13T18:02:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling really stuck now with Lex and the situation at daycare. Recently we've been getting periodic calls about Lex's behavior at daycare, he's hitting, pulling hair, biting and all around just causing trouble. I try to give recommendations but today it came to a head. Nate received a call asking to have a meeting set up to discuss Lex, his behaviors and what can be done with the whole situation. After much discussion the plan is to try moving him back to the 18-23 month room and see how he does there since there are fewer kids and a slower pace. While I feel that this decision is pretty good I'm worried that I'm not making enough strides to help him. I really do like his daycare and the teachers in the room he's in now aren't bad but I can't help but wonder if maybe pulling him from that daycare and putting him in a home based one where the limit on children is lower would be best for him overall. The main downside I see to that is the likelihood of him being too much for one person to handle is higher (each of his daycare classrooms now have at least 2 teachers). I want to do what's best for my family and taking care of my son but I really have no idea what that is right now. I can see why when a child is diagnosed with autism sometimes parents quit working... if that was only an option.

"Instant Karma"

2010-03-23T09:43:00.003-05:00

That's the name of the House episode I was watching last night that made me sit back and think, most specifically the quote "People don't get what they deserve. They get what they get". While in that case House was trying to prove that karma has nothing to do with a man's child being ill. My logical mind knows that what House said is true but then there's a part of me that believes in karma isn't so sure.
I often ask myself what I did to become infertile. Was it from not listening to my parents as a child, becoming sexually active at a relatively young age or from picking the wrong man to have children with (I love my husband dearly but I married a man that didn't want children). Logically I know that my infertility stems from a hormone disorder, not anything I've ever done.
I also know this is the same logic I need to have in regards to Lex and his Autism diagnosis. I often wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't taken Lor.tab for my severe back pain, had scan after scan on my lungs or the elective induction and subsequent c-section. I know that none of this caused Lex's autism but I can't help to think that my karmic balance is off.
I wish there was something I could do to help balance the scales but if there's not that has to be fine too. I can't live my life in the what-ifs. There is too much in my life for me to enjoy to dwell on what isn't there.

Spring cleaning

2010-03-23T09:34:00.003-05:00

Every year I tell myself I'm going to buckle down and spring clean and most years it just doesn't happen, this year is different. I've already accomplished quite a bit by getting all of the baby clothes that we'll never use again as well as a bunch of toys and other things that I haven't unpacked from our move over a year ago. I have to admit I cried when gathering the baby clothes. I've always felt that I would have more than one child but Nate and I have come to an agreement that we should probably just have Lex. We are financially strapped and it doesn't look like we'll be rolling in the money anytime soon. Speech and occupational services will stop being free in October and Nate has at least 2 more years of school and then I wanted to go back to get my M.D. With all those in consideration I've decided that my desire to give Lex a sibling just wasn't reasonable, especially knowing what I had to do (clom.id and injectibles with IUI) to conceive him. I fear that he'll feel alone in the world but I hope that my brothers will get married and have children soon so that he can have at least one cousin (other than Haiden) close to his age that he can be close to like I have.

I guess in addition to the spring cleaning of my basement I did a little spring cleaning in my soul.

Weight lifted.

2010-03-10T15:28:00.003-06:00

Today Lex's teachers helped lift a weight off my shoulders. We met with them to discuss Lex's diagnosis and what we can do to help them and what they can do to help us.

We started off notifying them that we know about Lex's penchant for misbehavior and that it was okay to use a heavier hand with him than they would with the other kids and giving them how we treat such behaviors at home because we want to keep that a level playing field. I informed them of Lex's diagnosis and what his signs and symptoms at home are and they shared what his are there. My new assignment is to come up with some information for them about what Autism is and what we can do to help Lex become a participating member of his class. We tried to reassure them that he can be part of the class when he wants to be and to definitely keep up with any brushing techniques that his O.T. has taught them to help bring him around to being a more focused kid. They are also going to look into getting a tent for his classroom to give him a place to retreat when he is too sensory overloaded. All in all I feel better about the situation even if it means I need to sit down and do some homework.

Another bright spot of today is realizing that Lex is starting to show some affection not only to me but to his books. He has a baby sign language book and it has a picture of a baby that's crying and he kisses the baby better. Today while he was watching his "music videos" on youtube he leaned over and gave me several kisses on my arm where I had a mole removed, it melted my heart.

The 5 stages

2010-03-07T08:04:00.002-06:00

I am copying most of this right out of my personal journal so don't be surprised if it makes very little sense or has very little flow.

The grieving process is usually 5 steps (denial, anger, barganing, depression and acceptance) but I feel like I've mastered 3 of the steps recently and not in the correct order. (I've also read/heard that most parents of a child that has special/different needs go through this process over and over.)
I have been going through denial, anger and acceptance most recently. I originally accepted Lex's autism diagnosis because I knew it fit just as much as sensory processing disorder does (70% of kids with spd are also diagnosed with autism).

Then I went down the road of denail. I believed he wasn't really any different from the kids in his 2 year old class. Sure, he didn't talk and he has some negative social interactions but he didn't seem like he was all that different.
Friday morning opened my eyes. When I dropped Lex off in his classroom at daycare the other kids didn't want to play with him and he ended up sitting by himself with some blocks. Picking him up was more of the same. The other kids were running and playing together and Lex was hanging out in a corner by himself. Then came the report from his teacher that he was being aggressive again, pulling hair, pinching, hitting and biting for really no good reason.

I'm angry that the teachers don't encourage the other kids to play with Lex. I'm mad that Lex is being so difficult at daycare. But I'm most angry that I don't know what to do for him.

I guess I'm grieving the child I had expected Lex to be. Don't get me wrong I know he'll be able to do many things but most of life is social and he will have a very hard time with that. When I dreamt about Lex when I was pregnant I never dreamt about endless therapy or a child that is an outsider among his peers. And while I know I should be happy that he is happy and healthy, I fear what is going to happen to him in this world that isn't so understanding.

Blessed

2010-02-13T18:07:00.002-06:00

I've been doing some thinking about Lex's diagnosis and anyone who knows me knows I'm not overly religious but I think the diagnosis was the Goddess' way of thanking me. I had a hard journey to get pregnant with Lex. My pregnancy was riddled with small problems and goodness knows labor didn't work out so well (c-section) but I'm really blessed to have Lex. I now realize that I will have a different insight into every day things, Lex won't look at things the way I do. Every activity is an adventure.

On a side note the 15th marks 8 years with my hubby, it's amazing we haven't killed each other yet. :)

Thinking

2010-02-06T08:07:00.002-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking since Lex's speech therapist gave us his recommendation for the Autism diagnosis on Monday. I realized that it wasn't a surprise that we got this diagnosis for Lex. I've kind of known since he was tiny that there was something about him that made him different than other kids his age, not a bad different, just different. I think I just thought I felt that way because he was my baby and other kids weren't.

His speech delay was a big surprise for me. I started talking early and Nate never stops talking, so I thought he'd pick up words left and right. I had high hopes after his initial speech evaluation and when we got started with those services at the hospital. I was kind of in denial that there was much going on other than a simple speech delay. As time moved on and he had only picked up the sign for "more" and wasn't saying much other than "mama" and "dada" I started to worry that we weren't doing the best we could for him. At that point we added occupational therapy at the hospital with the thought that he had sensory integration dysfunction and that his sensory problem was the reason he didn't talk. After a few months of doing both speech and OT and Lex showing minimal improvement we decided to try a different mode of therapy, birth to 3 through our county. His initial evaluation with his current speech therapist showed he was far behind in expressive language and it was hard to judge how far he was on comprehensive language. We started services in September with Lex having speech twice a week, one at home and one at daycare. I saw more improvement at that point but I was afraid to get my hopes up again. We added OT in November realizing that he most definitely had sensory integration problems.

We've just been chugging along right up to the point when his speech therapist asked us if he could do a new autism screening test on Lex. Lex was the first child he was going to try this screening tool on but since he knows Lex pretty well he figured he could test him pretty accurately. At that point it clicked for me, I did a little more research and after the test I just knew. When David sat down with us to discuss the results I think he was surprised I didn't cry. But for me this was validation. I had been right in my thoughts about Lex having the dual conditions of autism and sensory processing disorder.

We are going to continue speech and OT services with the county until Lex turns 3 and then we'll be moving up to the school district but I remain hopeful that one day you won't be able to tell Lex is any different than his neurotypical peers. Even if that day never comes I know my son is still an amazing child that wows me everyday and will continue to wow me.

I don't worry that he'll have problems in school or that he'll have a hard time making friends, my only worry is that we didn't do enough soon enough. I have heard from a co-worker that is the mother of a child with Asperger's that I'm definitely doing the best for Lex right now and it's amazing how much we have done in the last few months but I'll always worry there's more we can do.

What we know.

2010-02-03T17:23:00.002-06:00

Monday was an incredibly busy day that gave us lots of information.

1. Lex needs more sedative than other kids his size to put him out. He got an extra half dose after holding on strong for 45 minutes after the initial dose.
2. Waking up a kid under that much sedation is not easy and can induce vomiting (the first time in his life).
3. Watching my 2 year old try to walk after sedation (3 hours after he woke up, 5-6 hours after they gave him the second dose) is hilarious and nerve wracking at the same time.
4. My son can hear! He passed the test with just a minor deficit in the lower decibels that is common with kids with tubes.
5. Upon approval from his doctor Lex will be diagnosed with a mild form of Autism. Lex's speech therapist has to write up his report from the test and send it to the doctor. I fully expect that she will sign off on the diagnosis. We plan on discussing it tomorrow when Lex sees her for his tonsils being swollen. (Besides that I work with her and I know how she is when it comes to diagnosis and orders).
6. Expecting the worst and not getting all bad news pays off, it made Monday come much easier. I amazingly held it together when the speech therapist told us the results of the Autism screen. I think it's because I had a huge meltdown once Lex was sedated and he was hooked up to all the wires... that made me nuts. I also had my suspicions about him being Autistic so I wasn't totally shocked.
7. We are doing all the right things to get Lex on track to being similar to other kids and we have been for several months.

Taking every day

2010-01-27T10:09:00.002-06:00

I'm trying really hard to take every day as it comes right now and it's really difficult for me. We are still waiting for Autism results from Lex's speech therapist, he was supposed to have them a week ago but the test took longer than he anticipated to grade and then we were supposed to get them on Monday but he canceled Lex's therapy due to a dentist appointment. And while this makes me mad I'm more upset that Lex hasn't had speech therapy in three weeks (he didn't have it the week we did the Autism test, the week after we had a meeting with all the therapists and now this week). Next Monday is his sedated hearing test and I'm nervous as all heck that Monday I will get slammed with "bad" news. I don't really view it as bad that he may be on the Autism spectrum and have limited hearing but just as another hurdle that we'll have to leap.

It probably doesn't help that my little angel has been more of a devil than anything right now and I just want to put him to bed the instant he gets home from daycare just to keep him out of things. The kicker is he knows he's being naughty because as soon as I finish punishing him he's right back to what he was doing with a great big smile on his face. This weekend I thought his extra naughty nature was just due to him running a fever all weekend and feeling like crap but Sunday when the fever broke the naughtiness just continued. Time outs and distractions are just not cutting it so I'm at a loss.

When it rains it pours

2010-01-05T18:40:00.002-06:00

Please don't take this as a "poor me" post as that's not what I've meant it to be but I just need to vent some frustrations and what better place than my own blog?

We'll start with yesterday. I went to my doctor's office in the morning to have some moles evaluated and on my home my car started to act up, it smoked a little and the battery light kicked on. I was hoping that it would last until Friday so Nate could take it to the shop and be checked over.

Lex's speech therapist asked us at the end of the session if he could test Lex for Autism next Monday when he comes to see Lex. And while I know that it won't change Lex it'll just give him more help through the Birth to 3 program it was incredibly hard to hear that my boy could be anything less than perfect.

Today Lex had a follow up hearing test and visit with the ENT after the placement of his tubes. His ears looked great and the tympanogram was perfect. He did not pass the hearing test like we hoped. He did better than last time he did a hearing test but it was not well enough to cancel the sedated test we have scheduled for February first. We may still have another awake test before then but we'll see how the scheduling goes at the ENT/Audiology office.

After the disappointing visit at the ENT office Nate dropped me off at work and on his way home with Lex our car died. The power went off and he didn't even make it off the highway. Thankfully some kind soul pulled over when he saw Nate and Lex on the side of the road and gave them a ride to Nate's favorite store where he called my mom and she came to get them and kindly paid for our car to be towed to a shop (we are incredibly lucky to have such wonderful parents who understand we couldn't pay for it between Nate's loss of employment and my payday not being until Friday). The shop found the problem relatively quickly, the alternator we replaced 3 months ago froze up and needs to be replaced. The silver lining is the part is under warranty and the shop can replace it for just the cost of labor.

With all this stress and some anxiety about Lex's future (I know better than to worry but I can't help it) I have decided that when I see my doc to have two moles removed I may ask him about an antidepressant as I suspect that's the source of my insomnia. I may have to ask him about something for my neck/shoulders too since I carried Lex around a lot of today and even with my muscle relaxer and a heat pad they are really sore and generally miserable.

Even with all this I am pretty lucky. My son is healthy and happy, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends and a husband that loves me. Money can be tight and life can throw me curve balls all it wants I'm still blessed.

Resolutions

2010-01-01T12:36:00.002-06:00

We welcomed 2010 just over 12 hours ago and that's given me some time to think about what I would like to work on this year.

Myself - I need to lose 40lbs to reach my healthy weight and I know I have it in me to do it. Just in the last 6 months I've lost 28lbs. So now I really need to pay attention to what I'm putting in my mouth and put myself first to make sure I get the exercise my body needs.

Lex - I need to focus on teaching him the words he needs in the ways he needs me to teach him. Lex's sensory problems means he doesn't get auditory information in they way I do so I'm always looking for new ways to teach him. I have to keep being an advocate for him when it comes to his therapies and looking for new ways to reach him.

Work - I have to stop looking at work as work and more as a place I go to help people. I work in a clinic so that isn't hard to imagine. I have to keep the smile on my face.

Family - I haven't always been the best daughter/sister/granddaughter or wife so I need to start seeing what I can do to help my family.

Missing

2009-12-24T22:12:00.002-06:00

As you may or may not know I have two little brothers, K and M, that I've been very close to my entire life (there is only a 3 year 5 month difference between me and M with K in the middle). They are both members of the military, K in the National Guard and M in the Air Force. This is the first Christmas that neither of my brothers were able to come home for. See K is currently serving a tour in Afghanistan and M is stationed in Missouri. M has missed the last few Christmases because he doesn't get leave this time of year but K has been home so this year without both of them is really hitting me pretty hard. I'm blessed to have my son, husband and parents near by but it feels odd without them here causing trouble at the Christmas celebrations. What I wouldn't give to have them home...

And then...

Come Monday morning my lifelong best friend will be moving to North Carolina with her husband. My cousin has been my best friend for as long as I can remember even when she was living with her dad across the country. People use to think she was our little sister because she was always with me and my brothers and I guess I always felt like she was my sister so to be losing the local connection with her is hard for me too. I know this won't be an easy move for her and her hubby so I hope for nothing but the best for them and that all their dreams come true.

I really shouldn't be so down this holiday season since I'm blessed to have a loving family, great friends and so much to be happy about but just thinking about my brothers and cousin makes me a little bummed.

Leaps and bounds

2009-12-17T20:25:00.002-06:00

It's now been almost 2 weeks since Lex's tubes were placed and his vocabulary and babbling has grown. I never tired of hearing him "talk" even if it doesn't make any sense. He floored Nate the other day. Nate asked Lex where I was while they were waiting for me to pick them up at the daycare and Lex turned, pointed out the window and said "out there". He has also spontaneously said car in the past few days.

Tonight was our last night at Interact through one of the local colleges and they said they were surprised by how much babble is coming out of Lex now and that you can tell the tubes helped a lot.

Our next step is to get that hearing test done in early January and go from there, but now I have very little doubt that my son can hear.

They're in

2009-12-07T17:35:00.002-06:00

Lex got his tubes in without complication this morning. He was very mad at me for not giving him anything to eat or drink but when he did get to eat and got some juice he was very happy. He honestly doesn't seem like he had surgery today, other than us pissing him off to put the ear drops in he's his normal self. He and I are still staying home tomorrow just in case tonight is rough but overall the day has gone well.

I was amazed at how fast everything went. His surgery nurse came and got him, Lex waved bye and me and my mother in law went down to wait in the family waiting room. I watched one "article" on the Dr's and the surgeon appeared. He said Lex did great, there was more fluid behind his right eardrum than his left but he had high hopes that when the inflammation goes down Lex will be able to hear. We have a follow up appointment in one month to test his hearing and see the ENT and hopefully they'll clear us with the exception of checking on his tubes down the road.

Nervous

2009-12-01T20:25:00.003-06:00

Today we took Lex to have a follow up hearing test since the last time Nate brought him he had fluid behind his ear drums. Today they tested to see if there was fluid and it didn't appear that there was, however, his hearing was still not up to par. So tomorrow I get to bring him in to see an ENT (ear, nose and throat) doctor. The main reason was to have someone who really knows what they are looking at when it comes to Lex's ears and throat (he has a slightly runny nose right now so there won't be much peeking up there) and to make sure there really is no fluid back there. If she doesn't think there is fluid the next step is a sedated hearing test to see what the nerves are doing. This makes me nervous but so does him still having fluid back there. I have lots of scar tissue in my right ear due to the amount of fluid that builds up there because of my allergies, not to mention the number of ear infections I've had. If he has fluid still the typical next step is another round of antibiotics and then an ear check and possibly doing that again. Or it could mean tubes. I'm not comfortable with my two year old being sedated, it's perfectly fine for me, I've had several surgeries and know what to expect from recovery to healing. I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself and worry as it won't do me any good but my brain is in overdrive due to my insomnia. Hopefully when I see my doc tomorrow I'll have a little help with that.

**Update**
Lex is scheduled to have tubes placed on Monday in hopes that by draining the fluid he'll hear better. We'll have a follow up hearing test in one month when we see his ENT again. If his hearing isn't improved he'll have a sedated hearing test. At least now we have a plan.

Thanksgiving and other ramblings

2009-11-27T21:13:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone leaving in it's wake some hurt feelings and sadness. This is the last thanksgiving one of my grandmothers will be living in the house she shared with her husband of many years. It was an odd feeling being at her house without Ray being there and while it's sad that she has to move out of her home because that odd feeling follows her around every day that she lives there I'm happy for her. She is moving to a smaller apartment near my house and near my aunt and uncle, it is literally within walking distance for me and Lex.

The hurt feelings came from my other grandmother. She decided to host dinner for my mom's side of the family this year, in her small apartment. This meant containing my rambunctious son in one room filled with fragile items. Needless to say he had several melt downs and his mommy had a couple herself. I ended up not eating dinner because I was so frustrated my stomach was in knots and then my grandmother's off handed comment about Lex's squeals (at that moment they were squeals of joy because he was playing with my dad) and not knowing how I could handle them. My mom came to my defense saying that I do it just how she did it with her kids and my mom and aunt did with her kids, of course grandma couldn't take that as an answer, she had to say that my mom and aunt never screamed like that. It frustrated me to tears. She doesn't get that he has certain problems her girls never had.

Speaking of Lex's problems he is in occupational therapy again, one hour a week. The therapist told Nate she's going to teach us techniques to help him meet his sensory needs. We are going to learn brushing and joint compression as well as how to help him separate himself to regather and come back when he's overwhelmed. We bought him a tent to do that at home but it's so large we can't take it with us everywhere. I can't wait to learn these techniques and teach his teachers at daycare so we can help him to the best of our abilities. I want to get him involved in the Scottish Rite Center but we have limitations in time with Nate being in school and me needing to bring home the bacon. We'll just have to see what the future brings.

"The elephant in the playroom"

2009-11-01T17:44:00.002-06:00

Friday we made our almost monthly trip to Barnes and Noble to satisfy my need for new reading material on Sensory Processing Disorder and any other disorder that Lex could fit into, to try to give me new insight on what I can do to help my darling boy. While looking through the shelf where they have books on "Special Needs Children" (yes that is what the shelf was labeled... ugh) I stumbled upon the book titled above. It's a compilation of essays done by parents of children with developmental disorders ranging from sensory processing disorder, to ADHD, to Autism, to other physical and learning disabilities. I am only to the second chapter but it makes me feel like I'm not alone with a "difficult" child. (I knew before I'm not, but some days are harder than others to remember that).
The second chapter is about taking care of yourself in order to take care of your child. This, I have to say, is where I find myself faltering most days. I can give and give and give until I'm blue in the face but when it comes down to taking care of me I just can't take the time. I can't take the time away from Lex to exercise or to eat right. I feel awful when I have to take time away from him to do laundry or dishes, but in reality these things are for him too. I just have to work on this with Nate, doing a tag team with him so that I have time to be Cate instead of Mommy all the time.
This past Thursday we took Lex up to the largest college in the area to join a program with other children that are non-verbal. It's a combination program, they work with him and they work with us. After dinner they separate parents from children and we parents have a class on the topic of the week. Last week's topic was about other forms of communicating and how to follow our children and encourage them to communicate more. Then we break off with the student that is supposed to work with our child and they take them into a room with a one way window and we watch them play with him and then we switch to show what we've learned. It's kind of odd playing with Lex with someone watching and taping it but we managed.
Initially when I was getting information about this program I was worried that Lex was going to be the youngest by far but there is another little boy who just turned two there. Lex once again showed that he is the ring leader, after dinner he took off to play (he's not shy by any means) and figured out he could reach the light switch so he turned it off, and then it went off 3 other times, he had showed the other kids how to do it. He also decided that night he wasn't terribly interested in playing with the student that was working with him (she was a fill in for our regular one since our's had no voice), he decided that once she followed him to all the toys in the room he was going to tune her out the best way he knows possible, by spinning. I've found recently he will close himself off by spinning because then I don't really know if he's paying attention to me, it suits his purpose. I also think it's calming for him because it puts him in control. The only other thing that he finds calming is running a tag between his fingers, his daycare teachers give him a pair of shorts he has there when he's really frustrated and it calms him down, here he has a couple of blankets that he grabs and rubs that tag.
While I'm sitting here writing all I can think is how much easier this would all be for me if I knew a diagnosis. Working in the medical field with hopes of going to med school in the future I know a diagnosis generally leads to a treatment that is most appropriate for that diagnosis. While I know speech therapy is an appropriate treatment for a speech delay but I think we are past that possible diagnosis at this point. He was in occupational therapy for sensory processing disorder when we were going through the hospital and I feel that he should still be in occupational therapy (something I will be changing at the next IEP meeting as he qualifies for those services). While I feel some days like sensory processing is the answer there are certain things he does that makes me question if there's not something more going on there. A diagnosis would have my grandmother stop telling me there is nothing wrong with him that a change in my parenting wouldn't fix. But no matter what my little man is still amazing to me.

Good days and bad days

2009-10-26T14:08:00.003-05:00

We've been having some good days here lately. Lex had his second birthday party and he loved it. We had several little boys running around our little apartment and playing together, it was so cute. We also had a conference with Lex's daycare teachers and it went wonderfully. His teachers told us how fun he is to have in class and how much they enjoy having David, Lex's speech therapist, come in to work with Lex, them and the other kids in his class. They have worked it out with the director of the center so that until Lex has caught up to other kids his age he'll stay in the 18-23 months class. His teachers also told me they are writing down every word they hear him say to share with us and David, last week he said "nice" which made me very excited, this was in addition to the word "down". He's been trying to say go, which comes out gah but I know what he's saying.

We had a drive by here the day before Lex's birthday party, luckily none of us were home and the guy who shot at my neighbor has since been arrested. But since then I haven't felt safe in my home and I am looking for a place for us to move. There is one place I'm interested in moving us to but the bad news with that place would require us to find homes for two of our three cats. I know Lex's safety comes first but I love my kitties so it's tough.

Two years

2009-10-14T16:20:00.002-05:00

This time two years ago I was getting my first dose of pitocin in hopes it would speed up the arrival of Lex. The last two years have had their trying times (reflux, middle of the night feedings, his refusal to latch) and amazing times (watching my son grow, his first steps across the apartment, everyday he smiles at me). I wouldn't change a thing about these last two years. I admit sometimes I'm envious of mom's who have kiddos that talk but you know what, he'll get there and I'll look back at these days and wonder what my hurry was. Tomorrow morning when I kiss him before I head to work I'll have a two year old, how'd that happen?

It's the little things

2009-10-06T20:17:00.002-05:00

Tonight Lex amazed me. If you spend any time with my boy you find out that he's pretty independent but tonight we had a step in the other direction. There was a jim.my john.s cookie sitting on our kitchen table from last night, since he didn't want it then, and he grabbed it and rather than banging it on the floor or table to try to get it open himself he walked over to me and handed it to me and signed "more". While this isn't the sign we are trying to teach him for "help" it's still a sign that he's asking for something. I was almost in tears when he did this because he never asks for anything except more food or more movies. I feel like speech therapy is finally paying off.

Blessed

2009-10-05T09:34:00.002-05:00

Cold baby feet snuggling into my side.
An excuse to watch Horton Hears A Who a dozen times a week.
The best wild giggles at random times of the day.
Hugs and slobbery kisses, raspberries and tickles.
A shopping pal that rarely complains.
A reason to play with every noise making toy in a store.
Running down the street chasing a little boy headed for a park.
A million reasons a day to take pictures.
The cutest 7:30am alarm clock money can't buy.
A husband who goes out of his way to spoil me.
A family that would move mountains for me.
Two amazing brothers that while they don't live close are still my closest friends.
A beautiful cousin who has been my best friend for years.
Friends by the handful with supportive words, thoughts and love.

Stress

2009-09-29T20:05:00.002-05:00

Stress does a lot of bad things to me, always has. When I was in college I would get chest pain on days that were particularly stressful. When I would float out to clinics I wasn't familiar with I would have panic attacks. I've always had problems with my muscles tightening up while under stress and lately that's been my big problem (that and stress eating). As much as I want to lose weight I can't because it hurts to exercise when my back and shoulder muscles are in giant knots and then you add on my massive craving for chocolate when I'm stressed and I've hit a plateau, which of course stresses me out further.

Now you may be asking, "What's stressing you out Cate?" And it's a combination of things, work has been particularly stressful since I'm working all sorts of hours with many different doctors, doing flu shots and just trying to help out where I can.
My home life isn't easy right now. Nate will be losing his job October 30th, he's in school full time and with my goofy hours at work Lex is in daycare more than I like. So money is about to get tighter and expenses aren't getting any lighter.
Then there is Lex's therapy. While Nate and his therapist David feel good about it I worry. Maybe it's just because I'm so over protective of my little boy I worry about how every session is going to be, I worry that we aren't doing enough for him and in the end I worry that he'll never catch up to his peers. I can hear the sympathetic thoughts now, that I shouldn't worry and he has plenty of time but imagine it's your child, wouldn't you worry too. I don't know why I was chosen to have a child that has challenges most of his peers don't have and most days I do feel blessed to have him but some days I wish we could just carry on the back and forth play and "conversations" about what we see. I know when we do hit those milestones I will be incredibly happy but right now it's tough.

I know everyone has their ups and downs and I'm in the downs right now but at least I know there isn't anywhere to go but up.

Borrowed from a friend

2009-09-03T07:29:00.002-05:00

I have this wonderful friend, we have never met in person but she is just amazing. Sometimes I wonder if she knows what I'm thinking as she always has the right things to say to me. This morning is Lex's last speech therapy through the hospital and to be honest I'm a little worried about switching to the birth to three since we have to wait a week for that transition to start but then I found this on my friend's blog this morning and after bringing me to tears I realized I am making the right choice for my son.

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew.

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia.

"Rudledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint...give her Gerard, He's used to profanity."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it.

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child who is less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a "spoken word." She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see....ignorance, cruelty, prejudice... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

By Erma Bombeck

Changes

2009-08-05T19:02:00.002-05:00

Our life has been full of changes lately.

Nate's employer was bought out and we were told in order for him to keep his job we'd have to move 4 hours south. After much thought and a small argument we decided staying here was in our best interest.

I'm losing weight like crazy due to the help bye.tta gives me and the fact that I am trying really hard to work out daily. I even got the EA Sports act.ive today in hopes that will motivate me more. Overall I'm down 17 pounds since April by my scale, I'll see what the one at the dr office says on the 31st.

My favorite doctor in the whole world left the family practice I go to. I hope she has much success in her future endeavors. Dr S is absolutely wonderful, she was the resident when my induction with Lex was started and because of that wonderful experience of her sitting and watching Scrubs with us she was my family practice doc after my last one graduated. I see a new one on the 31st that I've heard good things about.

Lex is now going to be getting his speech therapy through the birth to 3 program. My little man is approximately 9 months behind on his vocal speech and a little less than that on other skills. I have high hopes for this change because they asked us what we wanted him to accomplish in 6 months and then how often we thought he should have therapy. His therapist will see him twice a week, once with us and once at daycare. They also gave us several ideas for us to work on things at home.

According to his OT evaluation at St Luke's he has a sensory processing disorder but the OT for birth to 3 thought it was more behavioral. While I can see her point I also look at the scores of the test she had me fill out and he is borderline for "performance at risk" on most of the sensory processing skills and actually at risk for his auditory processing. We'll see what time and hard work will do for him.

My baby is no longer a baby, he is definitely turning into a little kid. We have been venturing to a bigger park near our house and he likes to sit on the "big kid" swings and go down slides without me (good thing too I get sea sick going down the twisty slides). I'm really proud of my little guy and every day is a new adventure with him.

Waiting...

2009-07-15T21:44:00.002-05:00

Last week we had an intake meeting with the birth to 3 program and now we are waiting for Lex to have his evaluations with the early childhood educator, speech-language pathologist and occupational therapist. I hate waiting when it comes to Lex and his already non-verbal nature. I know in the mean time he's in speech at St. Luke's but still. I think being at home would help him learn faster because he's just too interested in everything in Jack's office. All I know is that I'm thankful for some of the friend's I have who are being so supportive and helpful with all my fears.

Worry wart

2009-06-28T16:15:00.002-05:00

I'm so worried about Lex's language skills even though we have him in speech therapy. I realized today I haven't heard him say hi or bye in a while (something he used to do anytime anyone waved to him) and he's only said Mama once in the past few weeks, when he fell down and skinned his elbow. He still babbles all the time and we "force" eye contact when we hand him things in that he has to look us in the eyes before he gets what he wants. I just don't know what to do to help him. I bought some cards with pictures and words on it to hopefully help in our understanding him and I try to get him to use his signs or words but it doesn't always work.

Who knew this Mommy thing would make me such a worry wart and slightly neurotic???

Why I love bye.tta... and other ramblings.

2009-06-27T19:08:00.003-05:00

I've been on by.etta for 4 days and I've dropped a little more than 3 pounds with very little effort. I was told by the diabetic educator that on average her patients lose about 10-15 pounds in the first month of being on it. Then you add that I'm finally adjusting to synth.roid and I'm feeling pretty good. I need to get back on the wagon as far as exercise goes but that would require me actually getting up earlier than Lex most mornings.

Speaking of Lex my son it a nutcase. He went from sleeping until 8 most mornings to getting up no later than 6 and refusing to go to bed at his normal time. All I can figure is the sunlight is affecting his sleeping patterns because we have been outside more than normal due to nice weather (they have been at daycare too). He's also been a little harder for Nate to deal with, he tends to act out when his daddy is around. A prime example is what's going on right now, he runs up and shuts off the tv and cable box, Nate tells him no, removes him and turns them back on, and repeat. They missed speech therapy the other day because after I left for work Lex had a meltdown and they didn't make it out to the bus in time.

Tomorrow is my 6th wedding anniversary. Nate and I have our ups and downs but we have lasted this long so we can make it longer. I love my hubby, faults and all.

Some answers finally

2009-06-19T20:16:00.002-05:00

I got a call back from Dr. Sprengler regarding my T3 and T4 levels and they were normal. This kind of threw her for a loop so she told me she was going to talk to the endocrinologist to find out what he would recommend. Today I was prescribed synth.roid and I'll check in with her in a couple of weeks to let her know how I'm doing. I hope this helps. Now I just need to keep up on the exercise since I've taken a couple days off to let my shoulder heal a bit. I haven't been eating as well but tomorrow I'm going grocery shopping so I'll have some more fresh fruit to snack on.

I'd like to make a request. If you are the praying type could you keep my brother and uncle in your prayers? They are both named Karl, my brother is heading to Afghanistan next month as a medic and my uncle is in Iraq as a communications specialist. I know they are doing their jobs for the country but I do worry. My brother worries me the most since as a medic he has to go off the base all the time whereas my uncle kind of stays put. My Aunt Jen (Uncle Karl's beautiful wife) has been so supportive even though she's the one that needs supporting. My parents are very worried about my brother and are regretting ever telling him that the Army would be good for him. Thanks in advance.

Let's play a game.

2009-06-16T12:36:00.003-05:00

The name of the game is "What's wrong with Cate?"

Today I woke up like normal and started getting ready for work. While I was blow drying my hair I felt my muscle in my left shoulder lock up and then my hand got numb. This meant no work for me today. I went in and saw Dr. S in the sam practice as my favorite Dr. Sprengler and he gave me two injections of lidocaine to hopefully loosen up the muscle. It helped take of the edge for a little while but I am still pretty sore and took a muscle relaxer and pain killer to hopefully help a bit more.

I also asked about the results of the bloodwork I had drawn on the 6th since I'm impatient and hadn't gotten my letter yet. My hemoglobin A1c was great at 5.0 (this is how my blood sugar control has been for the last 3 months), my fasting glucose was 85 (again perfect), my lipids (cholesterol panel) were okay; I need to lower my triglycerides but no surprise there, the big surprise was my thyroid, I'm hypothyroid again, it was a massive swing from October when it was checked last. In October my result was 1.03 which is very normal, this last one was 5.83 (normal range goes to 4.0). So Dr. S said he'd tell Dr Sprengler he notified me of the results and ordered up the T4 and free thyroid to see what was going on with my thyroid this time. But in his feeling he thought I was just going to hypothyroid and eventually need medication. I should have guessed something was up since I've been exhausted lately but I chalked it up to lack of exercise, less than stellar diet and working more. I have a feeling synthroid is in my future.

Nate has been wonderful since school has gotten out for the summer. He takes Lex to speech therapy (and soon occupational therapy) and he's been helping with housework, making it so much easier for me to come home from work and play with Lex. He's taking tonight off to help me with Lex since I can barely carry my purse so I doubt that I could put him in the crib at night. I know sometimes I get down on him but he's a wonderful guy and I'm lucky to have him.

Congrats

2009-06-14T17:46:00.002-05:00

I want to congratulate my friends Sarah and Angel on their good news. You two are both so deserving and I'm sending lots of sticky vibes.

Mommy guilt

2009-06-10T10:29:00.002-05:00

After Lex's speech therapy today I'm experiencing a lot of guilt. Jack, his therapist, mentioned that he didn't think Lex was making as much progress as he was before. He also asked if we have an order for occupational therapy, we don't, because he thinks that a little occupational therapy would help with the speech. He wants us to continue trying to get Lex to do back and forth play and to sign "more" when he wants more of something, especially since Lex is looking for eye contact more. But with all this I'm feeling immense amounts of guilt. I feel guilty that we brought him to see a resident versus a pediatrician right off the bat. I feel guilty that we put him in front of the tv so much so we can get things done (cooking, cleaning and sleep for Nate). I feel guilty that I put him in the old daycare where he didn't have much interaction with the daycare owner since the tv was on all the time. I feel guilty that I agreed to pick up hours so that for the next month and a half I'll be working full time, cutting down the amount of time I can spend working on his speech and other "assignments" from therapy. I know this isn't all my fault and he'll never hold it against me but I still feel this way.

Making progress

2009-06-05T19:21:00.002-05:00

Lex has gone to speech therapy 3 times so far and he's already making progress. His therapist Jack has noticed that with very little prompting now Lex will look us in the eyes to get what he wants. We are working on trying to teach him the sign for more and to do more back and forth play per recommendations of the therapist. I hope this means we are getting closer to words but I just don't know. Jack also said we'll be having Lex see Sheila who does the occupational therapy.

Little man went to see his pediatrician this week and she confirmed the he probably does have seasonal allergies so she advised we give him Zyrtec at least once daily so his eyes don't swell closed. I knew he was like me, most of my allergy symptoms are in my eyes.

Talk to me baby

2009-05-11T11:26:00.002-05:00

Today was Lex's evaluation at speech therapy. I went in half expecting to be told to be patient that boys are just slow to start really talking and lo and behold my concerns were found to be valid. After just a few minutes of talking to me and watching Lex play in her office the evaluator said he's a sensory kid, which is why he likes to make loud noises and bang on things. She recommended speech therapy and possibly a little occupational therapy for him. She also gave him a couple websites that I have to go to to look up information on language development and apraxia. While Lex is too young to have the diagnosis of apraxia she wanted me to know what to look for as signs. She is also asking our dr's office to run a tympanogram (test to see how well his ear drums work) and to check his tonsills really well. After some discussion with Nate we have decided to take him to the speech therapist at St Luke's and I'm contemplating calling the birth to 3 program to do a double handed approach to his therapy. She recommended teaching him sign language too as a way for him to communicate his needs a little better.

While I feel a little better about the fact he doesn't talk and that we are headed in the right direction I feel like crap that no one listened to my concerns earlier...

Woohoo!

2009-05-04T07:37:00.002-05:00

All it took was a little bitching on my behalf and then logging my food into fitday to realize where I was making my mistakes. I was eating waaaay to many calories. Ideally I should be averaging about 1500 so that I have energy to exercise and not send my body into starvation mode and I was getting way more than that. But since I realized that on Saturday night I've been better at watching what I eat and have made it down to 190. Just have to lose one pound before the 9th to make my goal of being below 190 for Jenna's shower, but hopefully I lose at least 2 before then. I'm very proud of myself though, I've worked out every day since my dietician appt last Monday and I can see a small change in my thighs already (I do a lot of yoga and things like squats and lunges during my workout).

Lex has been so cute the past couple days all snuggly and happy with me. Just now he was resting his head on my knee so he could watch one of his two favorite movies (he LOVES the Ice Age movies, we'll be taking him to the new one in July, I'm sure he'll do wonderfully since he is just enamored with these movies).

On the job front my new manager, Jordan, called on Saturday to see if I could cover an urgent care (I couldn't, I just got Lex back from my in-laws and didn't really want to work) and he notified me that he told HR to offer me the position that I wanted. So now I have a home clinic! No more float work! I'm so excited and I've gotten many congrats from the people I work with, they are happy I'm sticking around and so am I.

So frustrating!

2009-05-01T07:46:00.002-05:00

Ok I know I'm sorta pushing it but cripes you'd think I would have dropped some weight this week. I saw the dietician on Monday and she has me doing food and activity logs with some goals in mind (my current goals for the next 3 weeks are smaller portion sizes, doing the logs, chocolate limited to 2-3 times/week and at least 30 minutes of activity 5 times a week) and I would say I've been doing pretty well to meet my goals but cripes I've only lost maybe a pound for my efforts. I weigh in on my wii fit daily so I can do my body test and while the number isn't as good as it was on Monday (when I hadn't been eating all last week due to a stomach bug) I just can't seem to break the 192 mark and since my goal is to be below 190 for my neice's shower on the 9th it's pretty important to me to get below 192 in the first place. Deep down I know I need to be patient but it's frustrating me to no end, especially knowing I really work hard when I'm exercising and I'm drinking so much water as not to confuse thirst for hunger. Hopefully I can reach my goal of a 50 pound loss by the end of the year so we can start trying for baby number 2 again. (I really need to lose 60-72 pounds overall but it takes me so long to get preggers I figure I can work on losing that last 10-22 while we try.)

In other news I applied to be in a permanent clinical assistant position that I'm currently filling as a float and the doc all but told me she wanted me to stay. I'm hoping to get a call in the next couple days from the manager to say it's official but seeing as he left yesterday before the interview and we aren't in clinic today I probably won't get the thumbs up until next week sometime (hopefully in time for my birthday).

Where has time gone?

2009-04-25T17:17:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Lex's 18 month well child. Honestly when did he start to grow up? I suppose the walking and ignoring most of what I say should have been a hint... The appointment was pretty run of the mill, go over all the same crap they went over 3 months ago, examine him and ask my concerns. I mentioned how I'm a little worried about his lack of speech and how I think he has allergies. Nothing really came of the allergies concern, at least nothing I don't do already. We are getting a referral to speech therapy though. She agreed that he was short of words they'd expect for a kid his age. She did recommend in the meantime to cut down on his use of sippy cups at home and use regular cups. This scares the crap out of me, she doesn't see the mess he makes with the "no spill" sippy cups, but if it'll help him learn to speak I'll give it a shot.

Sad...

2009-04-16T20:56:00.002-05:00

My computer died yesterday after Nate went through all the effort to try to restore it (and inadvertently delete all my pictures of Lex... I think he's jealous of my gorgeous boy lol). So until further notice I'll be sharing a computer with Nate which means I'll get very little time to log on.

After Lex kicked me in the face last week I developed a very nasty headache that has yet to go away. I was told initially that I just had a migraine but when it didn't go away I went and saw another doc at our clinic and he thinks that it's a muscle tension headache that started at the injury site since I was already swollen and sore there (although it was manageable until the kick). I'm on stronger pain meds and they help, until they wear off and then I'm miserable again but what can you do?

Lex had picture day today at daycare and when we get the pictures back I'll have Nate scan em so I can show everyone. We have conferences there next week and his well child is on the 24th so hopefully I can address any of their concerns with the doc as well.

Time to take more meds so off to La-La land for me...

Our less than wonderful day

2009-04-08T19:30:00.002-05:00

Today was not the best day for me and Lex, Lex especially.

First thing Lex climbed in my lap on the couch to hang his feet over the edge and while I had my head turned (playing on Facebook) he fell flat on the floor, I don't know what happened he just fell. Next, Lex was playing and the kitten tripped him and he fell flat on his face. Then he was intently looking at a block he was playing with and walked into the door frame for our hall. Finally, he was playing with his wagon and pinched his thumb under the side rail. Out of all that he only ended up with a small cut on his top lip and one just below his lower lip. (Thankfully because next week at daycare is picture day and goodness knows I would like some nice pictures.)

Then at naptime he was fighting me to put him down to sleep and swung his leg and caught my nose. I was in immediate pain and tears. Thankfully I only had a little pink discharge and the pain. I still called in and since my dr was out the other doc told me to just take my pain meds (I ran out after the kitten "snuggled" my nose.) and ice it as needed. I still have a bit of a headache but overall I'm feeling better.

Lex is back in his toddler bed and overall doing well. He doesn't like to go to bed while it's still light out and so bedtime is moving back a little bit to accomodate this. Right now he's busy playing with the blocks he got for his birthday, he has become very interested in stacking and "building" with his blocks lately. He has also said a couple new words so right now his list is, Mama, Dada, Nana, hot, kah (cat), yay and ooo. I still worry about his lack of speech so when we see the doc for his 18 month check up I'm going to bring it up again. I'm also going to ask her about allergies. I think he has his mama's allergies. He has a really hard time breathing through his nose and more often than not just breathes through his mouth. I feel like I'm always wiping clear snot from his lip. I don't know what she'll tell me to do but I don't want to keep giving him benadryl because it makes him sooooo sleepy. My main concern if he has allergies is that it could be affecting his hearing, I have problems with my allergies and the first thing affected is my ears.

All done

2009-04-02T20:44:00.002-05:00

My septoplasty and turbinate out fracture went well. My mother in law said I was in and out of surgery realitively quickly and in recovery for as long as I was in surgery. The packing was awful, gave me a headache and hurt like hell to pull out (good thing I had Nate around to pull it out for me because I wouldn't have been able to do it myself). I'm still sore and since Lex accidentally smacked me it's hurt a little more but I'm trying to hold off on pain meds as long as I can in case we have another bumping accident. The only odd thing is the roof of my mouth right behind my front teeth is numb, which feels really wierd when I bump my tongue ring against it. I am glad it's over and I hope I'll be able to breathe through my nose soon.

I'm watching ER and I can't believe it's the end of an era. I've been watching for years and there have been few episodes that didn't make me cry at some point so I will miss my Thursday night date.

I should log off while I'm still a functioning person (i.e. before my lortabs kick in). But I wanted to send out a Congrats to Sarah on her new pregnancy (try not to worry honey) and to Nancy on the results of her recent test. And a big PINK hug to Shauna for the news of having a daughter baking in her belly.

Tomorrow's the day

2009-03-30T19:24:00.002-05:00

I am excited and nervous for my surgery tomorrow. Excited because I've been told after I heal that I'll be able to breathe through both nostrils and nervous because it's another surgery and I hate the feeling general anesthesia leaves me with. The missing time feeling bugs me. I'm also a little nervous about the healing process and pain but my dr assured me that I'll be alright, especially when he found out I left early after my last two surgeries (went home same day after my gall bladder and a day early after the c-section). I also don't like having to depend on others during my healing process. My mother in law is coming up to help take care of Lex while Nate is at work and school and to drive me tomorrow since Nate is at school.

My big concern is Lex's behavior. We are working so hard to get him to behave and I'm worried that my down time will screw it up. His new favorite thing is to climb on top of tables. This concerns me because he fell off one in the living room and hurt himself and now he insists on climbing on the kitchen table and I can just imagine him falling off that and what kind of damage would result. Time out is sort of working, sometimes he comes back and is helpful and nice other times he goes right back to what he was doing that put him in time out. I think a big part of our problem is that he doesn't talk much (mama, dada, yay, kah/cat and sometimes nana) so he can't tell us what he's feeling. I know another one of our problems is that Nate and I have different views about "rules". I think it's fine for him to climb up on the kitchen chairs if he sits down or I'm around to make sure he doesn't fall off, where Nate says no climbing on the kitchen chairs. I'm also a stickler for keeping him in time out no longer than a minute and Nate doesn't really keep track and if Lex does something bad while he's in time out he extends it. We are making progress when he throws things on the floor, I pick them up and make him put them back.

Surgery scheduled

2009-03-19T13:33:00.002-05:00

On the 31st I'm having a septoplasty and turbinate reduction. My nasal septum is pushed off to the right side and the structures that help moisturize the air entering your nose are too large. I saw the ENT and we settled on getting those fixed sooner rather than later so I can breathe again and hopefully it'll prevent any more major sinus infections. I'm kind of nervous even if this is my fifth surgery because it's the first one that isn't abdominal (D&C, exploratory laproscopy, c-section and gall bladder removal) so if something goes awry it'll be visible on my face vs being buried in my shirt and pants... oh well anything to breathe better.

My doctor is wonderful.

2009-03-10T20:26:00.004-05:00

I saw my doc yesterday to discuss losing weight and how I should go about it. My efforts in the past have included counting calories and exercise and really it hasn't stuck. After explaining to me that PCOS is more a metabolic disorder than a fertility one and that my body loves fat (fat creates estrogen and the estrogen prevents me from ovulating and my body doesn't react the way it should to insulin and my blood sugar) she recommended I see the clinic's dietician. Since she is a mother too she understands the difficult nature of getting regular exercise and planning out healthy meals and not picking whatever Lex didn't eat off his plate because I'm working on other things at the same time. So she made a deal with me, she's going to lose 20lbs with me. I love that she's leading by example and is not just telling me to do it.

So tomorrow is my first appointment with the dietician to see what permanent changes I can do to get my weight down into the healthy range from the obese level I'm at now. I know it's not just going to be easy but I need to set time aside for me, ask Nate to help out with the house stuff more and get out with Lex for walks. The weather is still icky (we have a winter storm blowing around right now) but we can mall walk (as is the plan if the roads are clear enough to get us up to my dietician appt tomorrow). At least it's March and not October so the weather is headed in the right direction to help me move the right direction.

When I get it figured out I will put a weight loss ticker in my side bar so I'm a little more accountable to others than just me.

Yesterday Dr Sprengeler also saw Lex because I suspected he had an ear infection (he had been tugging on his ears, protecting them from the wind and the left ear had a red streak coming from the opening into his ear) and he'd had green mucus coming out of his tear ducts on both eyes. I was right he has a double ear infection, he still sounds a little wheezy and she suspects he may have a sinus infection (hence the green snot from his eyes) so he's on amoxicillin three times a day for 10 days. Thankfully he takes it pretty easily. I'm glad this is the first time he's had an ear infection, I had lots of them when I was younger than he is. But overall my boy is healthy and my doc thinks he's just adorable and honestly if his doc wasn't the same year as my doc I would just have him see her, but his doctor is pretty good too. Nate's doc is the same year as mine and Lex's docs so I think after they are done we'll move on to a St. Luke's clinic and have one family practice doc for all three of us (unless my doc joins a clinic up here that my insurance covers because I would love to stay with her).

I'm going to leave off with a couple of pictures because I promised Sarah I would post with my new haircut. It's hard to see but I have layers now versus the blunt cut I had previously.

That's my boy

2009-03-08T22:09:00.002-05:00

My boy is such a ham, as if you couldn't tell by this expression. He is such my pride and joy I don't know what I would do without him some days. He has a bit of a cold but you couldn't tell that by this picture. I just had to share this one, he's come a long way since this one...

"It's never lupus"

2009-03-06T22:20:00.002-06:00

Let's play a game, it's called "what the frick is wrong with Cate?" I've been having rib pain on and off for a few days that I just wrote off as a pulled muscle from carrying Lex to the bus stop in the morning on Tuesday and Wednesday, no big deal right? Then today Nate and I were shopping and I reached up to grab a pack of the color wonder paper (Lex and I are going to try the finger paints tomorrow) and all of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my chest, so sharp it took my breath away and I couldn't even say Nate's name loud enough for him to hear me. I tried to ignore it and we went about finishing our shopping and even ran to a couple more stores before it became unbearable and my left shoulder and upper back started to throb too. So it was off to urgent care where I was told I just pulled a muscle. Now I'm pretty sure that's what it is and it's responding to the pain meds so I'm not worried, just a couple days of rest and then working it back to normal.

Here's my big concern, I do this regularly, I pull muscles doing the dumbest crap, usually reaching for something, not even something heavy or bulky that normal people would pull muscles on, stupid things like paper, suture material, my purse. I've had some testing done, namely a sed rate and I know there were some other tests that were run when I was pregnant, but they didn't want to take those results at face value since I was pregnant and that can skew results anyway.

I see my wonderful doc on Monday to discuss my less than successful attempts at weight loss (this threw another wrench into the machine, can't carry the stroller down the stairs to take Lex for a walk tomorrow and definitely can't do most of the wii fit exercises) so I may ask her what she thinks about this whole situation. It's just frustrating because I wasn't even really pushing myself when I was exercising out of fear of hurting myself, I was attempting to work out every other day to give my muscles a day to recover. If she thinks I should have more bloodwork done I may ask her if she'd be willing to order some cd3 bloodwork, just so I have an idea where my hormones are at right now. While I'm alright with holding off on ttcing until I lose some weight and we are closer to Lex's birthday (not to mention paying off my parents and Nate's parents for the money they have loaned us) I just want to make sure my ovarian reserve is still good and my testosterone levels haven't gone all wonky. Who knows what's going on in there... I may just need to rent myself another body to live in. :)

We got our car back Thursday, only $1533 to get the darn thing fixed. Thankfully my parents were so kind as to lend it to us, they didn't like the idea of Lex having to ride the bus in our nasty weather (negative temperatures one week, low 50s the next) and it cuts 2-3 hours off my travel time to and from work. Although my manager there and two of my co-workers were wonderful enough to offer me rides if I needed them, I just happen to be too bull headed to accept help when I can take the bus and not put anyone out. Besides it meant I got to see my friend's gorgeous little man last week, I hadn't seen him in a while and wow he's gotten big.

I should head to bed and quit rambling...zzzZZZzzz

The best feeling

2009-02-24T21:55:00.002-06:00

The best feeling in the world (next to the way I feel when Lex comes running up to me and gives me kisses after daycare) is how I feel after working out. Now I know the wii isn't going to give me as good of a workout as say going to the gym would but with how out of shape I am (no regular exercise in a good 3-5 years) it definitely helps. The next step is to work on my eating habits as I am totally addicted to sugar and caffeine. Food journal here I come.

I love Wii Fit!

2009-02-23T17:20:00.002-06:00

My darling hubby got us a Wii and hunted down a wii fit for me and I love it! I've tried workout video games in the past and haven't been a fan but the wii fit is different in that it can tell how out of balance you are and it checks your weight and does fitness tests every day you use it. I had to laugh at it though because during one of the leg exercises it told me I was a "fitness enthusiast", and anyone who has seen a picture of my round body would know otherwise. I just happen to have pretty strong legs due to all the years of skating. If I could find a sitter for Wednesday nights I would probably hit up the roller derby practices and try to join that but I would want someone to go with me since I get kind of nervous in newer situations.

Our car is currently in the shop for a broken timing belt, it's been there since Friday and we were hoping to get it back today but since the shop closed a half hour ago it's obvious we aren't. So it looks like I'm taking a cab to Lex's daycare and then my work and hopefully we'll have it back by the end of the day so Nate can pick me up after work. If not we have two options, another cab ride or I can take the bus down to Lex's daycare and see if my parents can drop us off (they live 3 blocks from daycare) or do the bus and just use either a stroller or my moby wrap to carry him home if the weather isn't too cold.

I should log off and go cook dinner even if I'm not hungry the boys might be.

Nothing on the u/s

2009-02-12T21:30:00.002-06:00

I had absolutely no follicles just my usual small cysts. This is incredibly frustrating.

After much thought and some discussion with Nate we've decided to hold off on further treatment until approximately Lex's birthday (October) in hopes that I can lose some weight and get healthy so that the process might be easier and then a subsequent pregnancy will be healthier than one would be right now. This also gives us time to set up a little savings to pay for treatment and hopefully a house.

The current plan of action involves me seeing my doctor in two weeks to discuss weight loss options. I am fully aware that I need to eat healthier and get my lard butt off the couch more but even when I do these things I have a harder time losing weight so I'm going to see what she can recommend. I've also asked Nate to buy me an ip.od (or some good mp3 player) and he plans on getting W.ii f.it with our tax re.turn.

So in the meantime I'm spreading my baby dust stores to all my friends who can use it.

Follie Check Tomorrow

2009-02-11T17:32:00.002-06:00

Keep your fingers crossed for me! I've been using my monitor and it's still reading low so I called my dr's office and asked to have a follie check to see if anything is even growing from the femara. We are also supposed to do a post-coital test. I hope some follies are growing, I would hate to have this cycle be a wash.

Don't know what to do

2009-02-09T15:46:00.003-06:00

I've hit the brickwall that comes when I ttc. I don't know if I want to continue or if I want to give up. I know we are only on our second cycle of medicated cycles but waking up everyday and peeing on the stick for the monitor and seeing the low reading pop up is heartbreaking. I want so much to be pregnant one more time and for Lex to have a younger sibling but deep down I keep thinking it'll never happen. It doesn't help that my sex drive has been in the crapper for years and isn't getting any better. Trying to convince myself to have sex when I don't want to sucks, Nate does it to and it makes me resent him. I hate going to work and getting upset when I see the pregnant girl I work with, it's not her fault my body doesn't work, it's not her fault that despite the fact she smokes and is highly stressed that her body works the way it's supposed to and I just need to get over it.

I guess today I'm just down in the dumps. Lex didn't sleep so well last night, I got a call chewing me out first thing this morning (I was apparently supposed to work but I don't look at my float schedule unless they send me one and I haven't gotten one in a month) and I just in general feel under the weather and the actual weather doesn't help, it's warmer (upper 30's) but it's raining so I can't even just get Lex out in the stroller.

Next Sunday is my 7 year anniversary of when Nate and I started dating, I can't believe it's been that long...

**Update**
I've come to a decision for ttcing. When I'm done with femara we'll re-evaluate how I'm feeling. I'm not temping anymore, just using my monitor. Hopefully this slightly laidback approach helps how I'm feeling.

Confident in our decision.

2009-02-03T14:03:00.002-06:00

I am sooooo glad we switched daycares! Lex took off running when we dropped him off, the staff is super nice and we get a communication slip everyday that tells me how many diapers, how much he ate, when he took a nap and even if they played with something messy (today was cool whip and he has the sticky hair to prove it). He was napping when I picked him up and he looked so comfortable there in his little sleeping bag.

He's going for a full day tomorrow so we won't interrupt his naptime.

Some good news...

2009-02-02T20:34:00.003-06:00

Lex starts at a new daycare tomorrow and I have the jitters about it again, I know he'll do just fine, he's a very outgoing little boy and in a room full of girls he'll be the mac daddy. :) He's only going for a half day tomorrow since that's what I work but I'm sure he'll enjoy his time there.

I had my annual physical today with my favorite doc. She ran through the usual stuff about my weight and getting more exercise but since she's a mom she said anything is better than nothing, rather than pushing the 30 minute minimum and then came the normal exam. She said she could barely see the scar from my c-section which is good I always wonder about it but with my big ole belly in the way I can't see it. She noted that my uterus felt a little large but since I just had AF a couple days ago that could be the cause. She didn't know anything about the CT scan I had so she had to find the results. Turns out I have a deviated septum, the opening to my right sinus is much smaller than it should be and I still have inflamation and a minor infection. We decided not to treat the infection further unless it becomes a problem later on. She will give me a referral down the road to get my septum repaired since I want to hold off until after we have another baby.

I was able to make it to my grandfather's funeral. Nate stayed home with Lex so I could attend, thankfully his teachers were understanding of the situation.

I should fold clothes and head to bed, gotta get up in a couple hours to pick up Nate from work.

No Good News

2009-01-26T18:53:00.002-06:00

I tested this morning and the first test was a dud, no lines whatsoever. Second test was negative and spot was there to greet me right away. So I'm on to cycle number two. The difference this next cycle will be having the fertility monitor in order to tell me when to call my doc to do a follie check and possibly a trigger shot. I picked up my meds already so I'm just waiting for AF and my fertility monitor sticks (that were ordered two weeks ago and still haven't arrived... grrr).

My grandfather passed away on Saturday morning. This was a big shock. He went into the hospital a few days earlier and was put in ICU, he was moved to hospice Friday. Last I heard they were still unsure of why he died, could have been a massive infection or leukemia. Tomorrow is the wake and I'll be able to go to that since my aunt is watching Lex. Wednesday is the funeral and because my dcp has flaked on us yet again I won't be able to attend that.

Today was supposed to be my day "off". No Lex, no housework, the only thing I had to do was my sinus CT scan this afternoon. Lex was at daycare for all of 2 hours before our daycare lady called. Her fridge was broken and she had to close. She called me tonight to let me know she won't be open tomorrow because she still won't have a fridge and to tell me she sprained her rotator cuff and isn't supposed to do any lifting for a few days, she proceeds to tell me how she's on flexeril and darvocet. Like I'm going to want my son there while she's on darvocet, hell I don't watch Lex alone when I'm on darvocet let alone him and 7 other kids. This is not the first time she has flaked on us. I would say we are upwards of 10 days since Lex started there 3 1/2 months ago. We are in the market for a new daycare but no luck.

I think when Lex goes to bed I may have to curl up and cry for a while...

T minus 5 days

2009-01-21T17:12:00.003-06:00

Only 5 days until I know for sure if my egg caught up with Nate's swimmers. That's right the femara appears to have worked. I'm eager to test even if it may not be positive. No real signs or symptoms yet, but that's alright.

I have been having some problems outside of the ttc ring. My joints have been aching to no avail. I have ulnar neuropathy in my right arm which often causes my elbow down through my fingers to hurt but lately my left hip and both shoulders have been bad too. I go see my dr on the 2nd for my annual physical so I'll ask her about it then. I worry about arthritis setting in this early, for goodness sake I'm 25.

Monday I'm supposed to have a CT scan of my sinuses since I was treated for a sinus infection back around Christmas and it doesn't seem to have cleared up. The headache is worse some days than others and I just hope this doesn't lead to another surgery, I'd kinda like to have only one more when it's time to have the next baby.

On a side note I want to send out a congrats to Nancy and her new man Karl, Elana for passing her 3 hour GTT and Katie for making it through her first day of work. Big hugs to Sarah R, let me know if there is anything I can do for you honey. And gentle hugs for Shayna, I know you are in a rough spot honey but when you hit bottom the only way to go is up, you are always in my thoughts.

Happy New Year

2009-01-03T10:44:00.002-06:00

January 1st brought me the first cycle of treatment for baby number two. Today I start taking femara in hopes that I will ovulate and be so blessed as to catch the egg. To be honest I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm excited to have a chance but nervous that it won't work. I'm okay with the possibility of not getting pregnant on the first go round but nervous that it won't even cause me to ovulate. And then comes the nervous nature if it does work and I get pregnant, I am nervous about how I'll be able to handle a 2 year old and newborn. I know it's do-able my mom did it with me and Karl but I know deep down I'm not as strong as she was. All I know is deep down I know my family isn't complete with just the three of us, I hope one more will settle my need for children since that's all Nate agrees to but time will tell. I have my fingers crossed that this cycle works.

Treatments

2008-12-23T19:10:00.002-06:00

I saw Dr Sebastian today for my first fertility appointment. I will be starting femara on cycle day 3 of my next cycle. I am incredibly excited. This is supposed to be more effective than clomid which is good. I need to lose weight per his orders as well since that will increase my odds. I'm optimistic that Lex will be a big brother in the next year to year and a half. I hope we get lucky.

Letter to Santa

2008-12-20T14:27:00.002-06:00

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? As you know I've done my best to be good this year so I'm hoping to ask you for a couple of things. The first being a bfp. I would really like a second child so Lex has a little sibling to love just as much as I love my brothers. Next, I would like Nate to be spoiled rotten. He has worked so hard between school and work and taking care of me and Lex he definitely deserves something wonderful. For Lex, can you bring him a couple of books and some more snow? He loves playing in the snow and I want there to be plenty for him to play in.

Thank you Santa and have a safe trip.

Cate

I ~LOVE~ my dr

2008-12-11T19:00:00.002-06:00

Last week I had a mole on my leg removed because it had been changing and there is a history of skin cancer in my family. (I had some atypical cells in the mole, not cancer yet but headed that way.) This week when I went in to have the suture removed my doctor brought up our attempts at trying for another "beautiful" child. (She absolutely loves Lex and gushes over him everytime I see her, I'm honestly tempted to see if when I take Lex to see Santa this weekend Santa'll let me sit on his lap for a picture too to mail her in a Christmas card). Since she knows I know what I'm doing when it comes to ttcing she wanted to check on how things are going. She offered me metformin and more prometrium and I gladly took them. She also made me a referral to get assistance with fertility treatments, mainly clomid. I'm really excited about this. I've never had a dr take such an interest in me.

Sorry I haven't been blogging more lately, it's been a very busy couple of weeks at work and so my life has been very boring. There is good news from that front. The manager at the clinic I'm at insists that he will be hiring me for one of the upcoming openings. If he had his way he wouldn't be putting the job up as open but there are rules about that. It's always great to know I'm needed at that clinic.